Three No Trumps

This is what you may bid when you are playing the card game of Bridge. I am into more mundane pursuits right now, like making Trump jokes. Because it's the done thing, and I may not get a chance to do them after November (the elections).

Trumpeting. Trump (without an elephant's trunk) talking about himself.

Ta ra rum pum pum.. reactions of people to Trump claiming to be the right man to lead a democracy of mostly sane citizens.

Trumped up charges- Founders of ISIS are Hillary and Obama.

Trump tax returns- Even Columbus would find it taxing to discover any money there!

Trump Debate- Everyone is an ***hole, but me.

Trump Home- A Wig-wam.

Donald's score - a Duck!

Modify Your Life

There are lessons galore to be learnt from the Modi campaign (and others) and results.

1. Hard work pays off- not that it's going to impact us too much.
2. Good ads must be simple, understandable. It helps if you see them baar baar (again and again).
3. If you speak, you must make sense.
4. If you interview with Arnab Goswami, what were you thinking?
5. U.P. can be turned around. It's for real, not Maya (illusion).
6. Maharashtrians can think beyond "Pawarplays".
7. The minds of Rajasthan are not a desert.
8. The Bihari has faith in 'Nitis' but not necessarily Nitish.
9. Dilliwalas can do magic (jadoo) with a jhadoo- even make it disappear.
10. Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge (cute dimple wale nahi)- the message is the medium.

Savings Everyday

We make a mistake in that we count our savings in Rupees, Dollars or Euros. If we rack up all the savings in kind, we would all be zillionaires many times over. Don't believe me? Save our souls, here is a sample worked out-

1. Number of cricket matches, particularly IPL, not watched since the TV was invented..a zillion hours saved.

2. Serials (TV shows) of various in-laws and outlaws made by the famed production houses of Indian television unwatched...two and a half zillion hours saved.

3. Bollywood rehashes of Hollywood, Tollywood, Mollywood, Kollywood and originals (fewer, admittedly than the earlier variety)- unwatched. Three zillion hours in the kitty, because these are usually longer than the TV shows.

4. Arnab Goswami delights (fist-fights with only his fists doing the talking) bypassed- Half a zillion hours.

5. Election speeches, debates, and other moronic material served up as serious fare- are you serious? Million hours, easily.

6. Arguments in life with the boss that remained on the lips, but were never uttered,..countless.

I am guessing, Manmohan Singh must be the biggest 'saviour' of all, by this count.

And what can be done with these 'multiple-zero' hours saved, do you think? I can list a few of my favourite things. I am sure you have yours too. These are multipliers of your savings, not deductions from them.

1. Listen to music.
2. Read a book. I read one about the elections, more on that soon.
3. Talk to a friend, or just forward a PJ on fb.
4. Play golf.
5. Have your favourite drink, in magnificient silence or over a sparkling conversation.
6. Take a beach vacation.
7. Blog...but of course!

Forecasting in Life

The ability to forecast is interesting. It can also be scary. If you knew what would happen to everyone around you accurately, you may be scared to tell them. If you knew what would happen to you, you might be even more so. Ignorance is bliss, in a way.

But more than clairvoyance, it takes observation and experience to make reasonably good predictions about our actions and their consequences, I think. For example, it requires no genius to figure that if you study well, you will do well on an exam. Or that sooner or later, the electorate will get fed up with the party in power and throw it out (in a democracy). That a husband and wife will quarrel. That a marriage will produce kids (in spite of the above quarrels). That a woman will do the household work (at least for another century in India).

Further, that 90% of the celebrity gurus will one day get caught in a scam or a fraud. Actually, make that celebrities and people in positions of power (political, economic or other kinds). The good ones may never (want to) be celebrities. That people will Copy and Paste if they can get away with it. That handwriting is a vanishing art ( I am reading a book about this, more on that later).

That lawyers, to survive, need someone to fight a case against someone else. Judges, ditto. Dentists would be out of work if everyone maintained discipline in eating and drinking habits. Coke would fold up if Americans (and their ad agency) did not exist. Potato production would drop if Germans did not exist. Or, that Abhishek B. will never learn to act. Nor will Arnab learn to listen.

And finally, that I would stop writing this blog if I was the only one reading it. 

Election Manifesto

Since it is approaching election time, I propose a manifesto that can be adopted by any forward-looking party.

Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha will be shut down. We will save 2000 crores by doing this, and 20,000 crores on the elections as a bonus.

We will have an Indian Idol competition to select one lawmaker (judged by Karan Johar, Kajol and Kumar Sanu), who rules till the next season. One sidekick is also selected from among the losers to assist him. This will restore the dying viewership of this boring program.

All citizens have two choices. They watch IPL matches or Ekta Kapoor serials. These will be played/manufactured/fixed regularly. Production licenses will be auctioned, with the reserve price (minimum bid) being fixed at half of India's GDP. Both together will make up our whole GDP. (Arnab will be gagged, just in case you are wondering.)

There will be no work, only fun- of two kinds, defined above. Everyone will be happy, and all our problems would be solved.

Please vote for our party.

Election Speech 2

This is in the tradition of the Sholay-Dharmendra-Water Tank episode. In Hindi..

Gaonwalon, agar aap log (AAP log nahin, aap log) hamari party ko vote denge, toh hum sab har roz Holi aur Diwali manane lagenge...taaki Gabbar phir se kabhi yeh sawaal na kar sake, ki "Holi kab hai?"

Gabbar ne aapse loota hua sara rupaya kisi doosre gaon ki tijori mein chhupa ke rakha hai, main aur Jai use wapas Ramgadh layenge, aur gaon ke saare taangon ki marammat mein lagayenge. Basanti, mausi, sun rahi ho na?

Ye shaharwale (aur ye angrez) hamesha laptop ki baat karke hamein neecha dikhate hain. Hum itni khush-hali layenge, gaonwalon, ke hamare har ghar mein bachche 'laptop' yaane maa ki god mein khelenge.

Gaonwalon, McDonald's ki dhoom jaise videsh mein chalti hai (aur Coffee Day ki shaher mein), bilkul waise hi hum har sadak par chai ki dukaan khulwa denge, taki sab log aram se apni baaten kar sake. Hamari line hogi, "Bahucharchit chai."

Hum gaon ki khush-hali chahte hain, isliye yahan ke khet hare-bhare karne mein koi kasar nahin rahegi. Jab Kaalia aur Gabbar ke aadmi use dekhenge to apne bare mein sochenge ki woh kis khet ki mooli hain? Aur dakaiti chhod ke woh bhi kheti karne lagenge.

Gaonwalon, mujhe yakeen hai, jeet hamari hi hogi. Mera gaon, mera desh Zindabad!