I Want to Start a War

 Anything Mickey or Donald can do, I can do better. Just superior IQ.

The benefits are immense, as long as I am not fighting personally.

Publicity- the media is dying for a war to start, so their dull lives interviewing local politicians can brighten up.

The ammunitions producers are happy that their Christmas Sale has started.

The army, navy and air force guys are happy they have something to do.

The public instantly forgets all the economic and social problems.

Epstein Files, anyone?

Anopheles and Our Media

 Anopheles came back into reckoning, when she confronted me the other day. It was a quiet evening, but only because my TV was off. Still, she had somehow caught a whiff of the news playing on it the last few weeks. 

As soon as she flew in, she asked pertinently- "Who is Rhea? " 

I said, as truthfully, based on news that was floating around, "She's something like a Black Widow who can do black magic." That threw her off, just a  bit. "What do you mean," she said?

I said, "Well, she can cast a spell from some distance, and make people do something they don't want to."

Anopheles said, "Like what?"

"Anything, you name it." 

"Can she make you dance?" Anopheles knew my shortcomings too well. 

"No, except that, she can do almost anything. She can make you disappear in a jiffy, if she wanted."

"Well, those must be prized skills. Why don't you guys use them to get rid of this cheeky virus that's stopped your world?"

"I think we like the Work From Home idea too much -we'd have to go to office, and drink the horrible canteen chai." I tried frivolity. (my speciality)

"Ha, ha. Don't forget, we can bite you more often at home." She was equal to the task. "But tell me, who is this Rajput guy she hung around with?"

"I really don't know too much. He was an actor, and he was from Bihar- an engineer too, I believe."

"That's depressing." That word triggered something. 

"He was also in a depression," I said. Don't you have such diseases in the mosquito world?

"Certainly not. We are quite busy doing something all the time. And we don't live in the make-believe world like some of you seem to.." with that stinging reply, she flew off to be with her REAL WORLD, leaving me to believe whatever it was that I wanted to..

The Positives

In the make-believe world that Arnab Goswami and others create for us every day, it is easy to get fooled into thinking that there are only Scams like Lalitgate happening around us. Even if they are, there are quite a few good things being attempted by the government of the day. Let us give them credit where they deserve it.

Digital Locker is a great idea that might be useful for a citizen to store his educational or any other govrnmental records such as license, passport, home registration etc. digitally. It is linked or operated through an Aadhar number and a mobile or email number, so it may be secure.

Clean India or Swachch Bharat campaign. It is the first time in many years that someone has raised the issues of cleanliness, and sanitation, through the Vidya Balan campaign running on TV and radio. That is something we badly need to seep into our consciousness. If we can eliminate spitting in even fifty years, I am all for it.

Digital Marketing- A Primer

This is a term that is used to the point of abuse. Every third guy you meet is a digital marketer, just as, a few years ago, every second guy you met was a web designer.

anyway, as it happens, our digital marketing consultant was here to discuss our plans for the coming year or so, and I gathered a few useful facts from his presentation which was livelier than many I have sat through over the last few years.

There are essentially three types of media that you have a choice of using for digital marketing/communication-

Own media- properties that are 'yours'- a website (personal or corporate), an official/personal page on Facebook, Linkedin or Twitter, a blog, etc.

Paid media - these are ads on Google Adwords (Search can be free too, subject to your activity level and relevance to keywords that a searcher types in), or any of the social media that permit ads. Email campaigns might also fall into this category, if you are paying either for address capture or the process of mailing and follow-up.

Earned Media- These include things like Word-of-mouth, sharing of your blog, facebook post or tweet, or pin.

Some of these media (paid mostly) offer a targeted campaign by any demographic that they measure and you can think of. Return on Investment is easily measured too. Lead management system can be integrated with some of these, to follow up on people who have clicked and filled up contact details.

Enlightening; there may actually be light at the end of digital marketing tunnel!

Global Events- A Citizen's View

As a global citizen, one keeps listening to and viewing news stories about various things happening all over. That the media allocate their time disproportionately to different corners of the world would be an understatement. But still, the conclusions that can be drawn from all these half-baked and distorted stories are somewhat disturbing, portending of worse things in key areas.

The urge to go to war is not abating. Whoever is right or wrong is not the point. Ukraine/rebels, Iraq/rebels, Pakistan/rebels, or Israel/Gaza residents, all may be right in their own way. The point is, do you need to kill innocents to prove it? If not talks, is there no dharma-yudh (gentlemen's war, for want of a better translation) possible without innocents being drawn into it?

All the well-meaning parties that spend time on TV debates, can't they do some positive social work that may transform some potential rapists in the society, or potential criminals, or even actual ones? I have yet to hear of too many such stories in any media, including social, that have been organised by a political party of any hue.

Why is there undue coverage of yatras (pilgrimages) to various places? Is it not an individual's choice if he/she wants to embark on one, without the state getting unduly involved?

Is the world going to be a better place if USA/Russia/China/India or any one country is supreme? Is there any evidence at all that Romans or Greeks or Mongols were better than the rest at this? What can make the world a better place- health, water, easy travel to understand other people, cultures, decrease in pollution, access to livelihood, seem to be taking a back-seat to hyped expensive products, that we are expected to consume in higher numbers in pursuit of happiness defined by someone else. And usually, the hype works.

Jail Bharo Andolan (Fill the Jail Revolution)

Sometimes I get  the idea after watching the mainstream media (or is it 'mainSCREAM'  media?) that our national objective is to jail as many people as possible. So, in line with this new objective, I propose that we invent new 'crimes' that will be treated as non-bailable offences. We can then cancel all mid-day meal and employment guarantee programs, because everyone (eventually) will be in jail either as a criminal or as a jailer watching over that criminal. The new list of crimes would include (the list is suggestive, not exhaustive)-

1. Being unemployed
2. Being sick
3. Having a terminal disease
4. Not being able to afford medicines
5. Being married
6. Having children
7. Being a journalist (ha, ha)
8. Being unmarried
9. Being a Facebook user
and
10. Being a blogger.

Chow. See you at lunch in a jail near you.

Purpose of Your Life- It Depends on Who You Ask

It depends on who defines it.

For an insurance company, the purpose of YOUR life is to be insured up to your gills. Whether it is life, car or home, they want you to buy more and more insurance. Oh yes, mediclaim too.

For a hospital, it is to buy their service even if you don't really need it, and get billed forever.

For a car salesman, the purpose of your life is to buy cars- for yourself, your spouse, your child, your dog,...

For a cosmetics company, the purpose of your life is to look beautiful-wearing their cosmetics, tons of them.

For a credit card company, it is to get exclusive deals to SAVE more on every expensive product or service.

For a stock broker, The purpose of your life is to buy more stocks. For a bond market analyst, to invest in bonds, when all you want is to BE Bond...James Bond.

For an NGO, the purpose of your life is to help others, through them.

For a TV channel, it is to watch ads and shut off the programming, and for the newspaper, to read the ads and ignore the news. If you are a company, then you are born to give them more ads.

For your child, it is to give it an unending supply of food and gizmos (as the child grows up).

For your parents, it is to remain in touch with them.

For your boss, it is to increase his productivity- or make it appear so.

For your spouse (female), it is to be a magician, who knows everything and can produce people and things at will.

For your spouse (male), it is to be a magician, doing everything and leaving the remote control of the TV to you.

And for you? If you are still reading, there is something seriously wrong somewhere.

Crime and Punishment- Executions

There is a headline going around the net that North Korea has executed a number of people for watching TV. Though I have not read the details, I think it should have been the other way. Producers of ghastly TV shows (and films?) should be shot, and people watching such clap-trap should get our sympathy, ad should be counseled at state expense. The poor guys did not know what they were doing, and deserve to be forgiven.

But seriously, don't governments have better things to do than this? Why is it that every dictatorship lives in mortal fear of the media? More importantly, does this strategy work? In a world of democratic media (largely, except where the net is banned or censored), does it matter what you control in the mass media? Even in olden times, there were underground pamphlets and stuff like word of mouth going around, bypassing attempts to muzzle the free flow of information.

The lesson may be, first, not to be a dictator, and second, make your money and leave to enjoy it, rather than stay and face an inevitable loss of life (the dictator's), or get jailed. Really, times have changed. No one takes dictation any more. Wake up, smell the coffee.

Unusual Business Ideas

In India, we are different. We walk different, we talk different, we spit (yuck) different.

Thus, there is a case for different business ideas.

1. Acid factory for acid-throwers. This is not a game. Serious maiming of face happens in cases of spurned love, or just for settling old enmity. Brisk sales guaranteed.

2. Betting syndicates for any event. Not restricted to games, or racing. What time the boss will come to office, could be bet on. Bosses that defy Murphy's laws (If you are late, he will be early, and vice versa) . Or, there could be bets on who will have a wardrobe malfunction in the next celebrity gathering/award function, etc.

3. Mall development. We believe malls are necessary for improving the GDP, which is not really improving, by the way. But we must keep trying. Never give up. Even if nobody shops in them. Empty ones can always run a B school. Or a nursing college.

4. School for Mobile phone calling etiquette. The students will have only one course to pass- How not to Annoy the Receiver of Calls. If they can learn this one thing, your job is done. But who would enroll? A question to Ponder.

5. Media anchoring school. This will have high decibel shouting matches in class, with no one able to hear the other. Direct placement offers from Times Now will follow- not now, later.

Conversations with Storehouse of Compassion

That's of course a person with whom conversations could be lost in translation. Because he is from a Southern state and not from the heartland (did not say badlands). So a conversation with him could go like this, or any which way...

Heartland Hero- So SoC, what are your plans for today?

Storehouse of Compassion- I am doing a pullout.

HH- From where? Iraq? Afghanistan? But you aren't even there!

SoC- No, no, those I leave for Obama and Cameron..small fry. I am after the biggest democracy in the world..big fry!

HH- Did not know you were so fond of fish fry..I will bring you some next time. But what makes you wanna pull out?

SoC- Bahut din se vella hoon ..kuch kiya nahi, yeh dikhane ka waqt aagaya hai ki hum bhi maujood hain...

HH- Wah, SoC sahab, aap ghazab ki Hindi bol lete ho...aap Pradhan mantri kyon nahi ho jaate?

SoC- Ab umr kahan rahi kuch hone ki? Sirf apne manoranjan ke liye pullouts karta rehta hoon, bus..

HH- Achcha, understood. This is a media conspiracy to increase their TRPs. Nobody was watching TV anymore after India thrashed Australia..and IPL is yet to start. So you are filling the gap.

This could go on, but like all TV shows, we need a break. Milte hain, break ke baad..with a lot of compassion! Ravana, Kalicharana, ennada..

Favorite Media Words and Sage Advice

Journos suffer from the 'limited vocabulary syndrome'. There is always a 'crash' on the stock market, a 'logjam' in the political circles (and on the roads), a team is always 'knocked out', a rater always 'slashes' your status to junk, whether you are a debt fund or a country, a court always 'stays' a judgement from a lower court or some other busybody, stars always 'dazzle' even if their makeup is peeling off, there are always 'delicious treats' to be had in restaurants frequented by them (for free), and they are full of sage advice for all and sundry on everything sundry, like 'eat more vegetables and drink more water for good health' or 'use an orange peel to cleanse your face naturally'.

I would like to be their hero and one day, I will try to follow everything that they tell me to do, and also buy all the stuff they advertise on their pages. If I become a 'financial wreck' in the process, I hope they'll 'bail me out'.

Media and its Role

Let me start with a confession. I don't think too highly of the electronic media's ability in analysing news and views. I feel they tend to be simplistic, not very thoughtful, and irritating, aggravating, or downright rude most of the time. But I will concede that they have certain advantages when it comes to a crisis or a situation that requires a ball-by-ball commentary on events of great importance to large sections of society.

Wars are a case in point. There was a lot of criticism of 'embedded' correspondents during the Gulf War, but they did bring immediately home to Americans and othr viewers, what was happening. CNN was the first 24 hour news channel, started by Ted Turner in Atlanta (I have been to their studio). We now have many news channels, in several languages. But it is during an event like we have seen over the last couple of weeks, that we see viewers flocking to them, and their TRPs shooting through the roof.

For daily news and analysis, I still prefer the newspaper and its (slowly falling) depth. But for events of high immediacy and wide import, like the Hazare movement, or a war, or election results, the electronic media and the internet have no substitute. The electronic media also pin people down for their views or opinions for all to see, and though it is uncomfortable at times, it ends up showing people a different side of the celebrities. I think I would miss the media the most if I had to live in a dictatorial regime anywhere.

Jessica and The Fourth Estate

I saw No One Killed Jessica yesterday. The impact of the film is like a Muhammad Ali punch in the solar plexus. The difference is, the punch would knock you out for a few hours, but this one gets you thinking, at least for some time, about ourselves as a society. Two other films which had a similar impact were A Wednesday, and Aamir (which I believe had the same director as Jessica). Aakrosh, about honour killings, was also good, though the punch was slightly held back, it seems.

The story was already there, but making it into a tight script and keeping the audience engrossed can still be difficult. Also, to make certain things stand out, effective dialogue is a necessity. The cop asking Vidya Balan, "Kaise logon ke saath ghoomte firte hain aap?" after every one of the 300 guests refuses to acknowledge they were present at the crime scene was very effective. Rani Mukherjee's unflinching attitude towards her work, and her acknowledgement that she made a mistake in not taking up the story earlier are other high points.

Vidya Balan has played the nerdy Sabrina very well indeed. She is one of my favorite actresses of the present time. What the movie also does is that it underscores that the demonised media sometimes is the only watchdog left in a democratic society, which sometimes begins to resemble a jungle. Watergate and the journos there who nalied Nixon also made this point. Hope to see more of this director.