The Art of Public Speaking

 I am amazed at how many people find it difficult to speak to a large audience, and don't know it! Maybe I have attended too many seminars, conferences and so forth, and I should stop..

Maybe I sound as boring to those who are forced to listen to me, but maybe not.

I try-

to keep it brief. That is a relief for most :) Most people can't hold an audience for more than 10-12 minutes.

to keep audience level in mind. I must admit I was out of my depth when addressing school students once or twice.

to use everyday stuff like films, or film songs to make it more palatable. 

to talk about the topic/event as far as possible, but use humour or analogy if I can.

to prepare if I have the time to do so, and write points down on a piece of paper, even if I don't look at it.

Not sure I always succeed, but sometimes, I think I do.

Ambi's Talk

Ambi Parmeswaran is a good talker. He is with FCB Ulka and is an ad man to the core. Invited by a student team at Indore, he was speaking about connecting with an audience which according to him, does not read newspapers, and does not watch TV, making these media irrelevant. Yes, the young people is what he meant. An audience who are hanging out on facebook (if that makes me young, I am happy), or blogging, or tweeting (I am not sure if young people Tweet, though- I don't :)).

He gave examples of Nivea creating a wrist band (that came in a magazine ad) for kids on the beach which their parents could use to track them, in Brazil, and Oreo creating a slew of campaigns that came from crowdsourcing. He also mentioned a contest run by Amul that resulted in getting a lot of short films (we saw the winners) made by people for free-though it cost money to communicate the idea of the contest. Digital is not cheap, was an important message.

The other was that you may have to innovate and do something different. Like Bausch and Lomb conducting a model hunt, with a makeover given to winners that included their product- contact lenses. They did this at various campuses.

A good talk, interspersed with wit. Ad types are usually witty. Did I mention I once worked in an ad agency..very briefly?

The Van and Other Jokes

Some original ones first.

If you had a Maruti van and you stayed in it, what would it be called?

    Vanvas (in Hindi).

If you were a rich guy who owned a Maruti van, what would you be called?

     Dhanvan. (in Hindi).

....and now some borrowed ones- they are better, obviously. That's why they come later.

The secret of longevity is to keep breathing. - Sophie Tucker

I have just had an operation for piles- all my troubles are behind me. - Ken Brett

There are more men than women in mental hospitals which just goes to show who is driving whom crazy. - Peter Veale

Show me a sane man and I'll cure him for you.- Carl Jung

Surprises

A surprise is a surprise is a surprise..or is it?

Some surprises lose their charm because they are on expected lines, like a birthday surprise of any kind. I like non-birthday surprises better. Like-

a flower looking majestic on a plant

a witty joke from a person/ a book

an unexpected smile from someone

someone laughing at my joke a lot more than warranted

a bird pooping after you have cleared "the zone"

meeting somebody out of the blue, and chatting away about "the good old days"

someone who is not 'busy' all the time

a corollary of the above, someone who does not answer his mobile phone calls while eating, in a meeting, in a movie hall, ...the list is long.

an fb message that is unexpected

Wilde Quotes

Wit and Oscar Wilde have a correlation of 1.0, that is, high correlation. Sample some of these-

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

I live in terror of not being misunderstood.

It's perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely true.

I must decline your invitation on account of an engagement I am just about to make.

I always pass on good advice- it's the only thing one can do with it.

Of course I have played outdoor games. I once played Dominoes in an open air cafe in Paris.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Characters You Meet

These are a few character sketches, though brief, of characters I have met in my life spanning around 54 years so far. They enlivened my life, and I am ever grateful. Maybe you had a few, too to enliven yours. If not, have fun with these.

A guy who perpetually carried a funereal expression on his face, as if he had just returned from one. The guy resembling him the most is Chief Vitalstatistix from Asterix comics, who is scared of the sky falling on his head.

Another who spoke as if he were preparing for CAT, MAT, GMAT, and GRE all together. Meaning, high-flown English. Alas, they don't make them like that any more.

A guy who would talk only about the opposite sex, and how to 'win friends and influence people' of the right kind. He was in the U.S. in a cosmopolitan environment, and was country-neutral when it came to his friendships, but not gender-neutral.

Another who was just the opposite of this 'friendly soul', who was not just tongue-tied, but also shied away from women. So much that he even walked away if a woman entered an area within a few square metres of himself. Luckily, his mom was not aware of this as he came out into this world!

A friend who would be fine until his third drink (in one evening), and then turn into a hilarious caricature, doing things that are too funny to put down in print, but many of these alternately entertained and scared people around him.

One who repeated himself at least four to five times in a short time. So you could only progress so much in a conversation with him. And he had a theory about everything that happened in the world.

A guy who thought he was the resident wit and wanted the world to think he was the funniest guy alive. I know what you are thinking- no, it's not me. Though if you want to think of me that way, I wouldn't mind at all!

At Wit's End by Erma Bombeck

She is a female Dave Barry- very funny and readable. Not sure if I read anything of her before- probably not, because I would have remembered!

Scathing about life and all its majesty ( I am trying to be funny)- marriage, ageing, kids, husbands, and most everything besides, are her targets. Some of her funniest lines catch you unawares, and the fun multiplies. or instance,

" My children see me as four wheels, a motor, and a drive shaft. I am Snow White with a set of car keys." or, " I don't think women outlive men. It only seems longer."

Or about vacations- "The compulsive desire to buy a carful of souvenirs became so bad, we had to set down some explicit rules."
and "Next to children on a trip, there is nothing more trying than their father."

"Our daughter said she was going to let her hair grow. Like a fool I thought she meant down her back. Little  did I dream it would cascade over her face.."

Many sterling observations like these make it a joy read!

Love in the Air- and in Print

Here is a selection from a book that I am reading in order to appear witty- I mean, The Big Book of Wit and Wisdom. That's my way of escaping from buying chocolates.

W.H. Auden- Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can; all of them make me laugh.

David Frost- Love is staying up all night with a sick child- or a healthy adult.

Robert Frost- Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

Lord Tennyson- 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Just to add some spice, a couple of quotes about marriage.

Rodney Dangerfield- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Agatha Christie- An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

Richard Pryor- I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.

Douglas Adams Quotes

I saw the film based on his book The Hitchhiker's Guide to the galaxy, and was inspired to hunt for his quotes. Here they are, you be the judge. One of the characters in the film, Zaphod Beeblebrox is fashioned after Mr. Richard Branson, I think deliberately. The film is fun to watch too.

He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.

 Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.

It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

Douglas Adams, "Last Chance to See"

The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79.

Douglas Adams, "Mostly Harmless"

He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.

Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.

Douglas Adams, Arthur Dent in "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.

Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Anything that is in the world when you’re born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works. Anything that’s invented between when you’re fifteen and thirty- five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it. Anything invented after you’re thirty-five is against the natural order of things.

Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

Even he, to whom most things that most people would think were pretty smart were pretty dumb, thought it was pretty smart.

Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt, p. 205

Have Pen, Will Travel by MJ Akbar

This book is a great find. Not only is it a tour of many places around the world, it is also a tour de force. There, I managed to use a big word/phrase, long after I wrote my GRE. But seriously, the book is overflowing with wit. Here are a few sample one-liners (well, two in some cases) from it.

The English are different from you and me. They have more clubs.

The Englishman not only has a stiff upper lip but also a stiff lower hand. (he contrasts this with the Italian who gestures a lot while talking, even on the phone where he is unseen)

A brasserie in France is a kind of restaurant and not a kind of brassiere.

A literary fest is the space between ego and alter ego. Give an author a stage and watch a peacock dance.

If the English could only export tradition they would never have a trade deficit.

I will try a gather a few more as I go along. In the same class as Bill Bryson, in my view. And Indian in perspective.

More Witty Stuff

The witticisms continue, for want of any original ideas. Must be because of watching Agent Vinod. Anyway, here goes-

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.- Yogi Berra

If you don't drink, smoke, or drive a car, you are a tax evader.- Tom Foley

An inferiority complex would be a blessing if only the right people had it.- Alan Reed

A gentleman never insults someone unintentionally.- Oscar Wilde

Modesty is the hope that other people will discover by themselves how wonderful we really are.- Aldo Cammarota

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.- Henry Thoreau

A true friend always stabs you in the front.- Oscar Wilde

Self-respect is the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.- H.L. Mencken

More Wit

Borrowed, of course. These are some more quotes/jokes that lighten up the atmosphere.

A speaker who does not strike oil in ten minutes should stop boring.- Louis Nizer

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions of today is tomorrow.- Vincent T. Foss

Editors are in the same position as a plumber laying pipe. They are not responsible for what goes through the pipe. David Sarnoff

She a pretty little head; for a head, it's pretty little- Book of Insults

He shot his wife while buying a house, because the contract read: "Execute all three copies along with your wife."- Unknown

A lifeguard told him, "I've just resuscitated your daughter."
He roared, "Then, by God, you'll marry her."- Anonymous

and this, my favourite-

A word of advice- don't give it. - A.J. Vikas

Witty Quotes

When I am feeling witless, half-witted or dimwitted- happens more frequently than I wish- I dip into the storehouse of these timeless quotes. A sample for you all to enjoy!

Develop your eccentricities while you are young. That way, when you are old, people won't think you're going gaga.- David Ogilvy

I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from gruntled.- P.G. Wodehouse

I was humble for a fortnight, but nobody noticed.- Katharine Whitehorn

I have never understood why anybody agreed to go on being rustic after about 1400.- Kingsley Amis

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the pleasure is in having lots to do and not doing it.- Mary Little

I don't answer the telephone because I have this nasty feeling there is going to be somebody on the other end.- Fred Couples

To be continued.........

Wit from Douglas Adams and Mark Twain

Here are some gems from two witty authors.

1. Mark Twain

Cauliflower is nothing but a cabbage with a college education.

Familiarity breeds contempt- and children.

2. Douglas Adams (from Salmon of Doubt, a collection of his works)

In the old Soviet Union, they used to say that anything that wasn't forbidden was compulsory, and the trick was to remember which was which.

You can't ignore someone who isn't there, because that's not what ignore means.

...and I discover that the reason why my wife isn't talking to me any more is that she is in fact married to someone else.

Am I alone in finding the expression "it turns out" to be incredibly useful? It allows you to make swift, succint and authoritative connections between otherwise randomly unconnected statements without the trouble of explaining what your source of authority actually is. It's great.

Witticisms

Here are some (borrowed) witticisms-

"Inflation is the sum of all the variables the economists leave out of their models"- Hazel Henderson, in conversation with Fritzof Capra, quoted in his "Uncommon Wisdom". She is a scathing critic of the way developed countries run their economies.

The Roman Empire declined and fell because it takes all day to say anything in Latin. If your house is on fire or Attila the Hun is at the gate and you've got to stop and think of tenses, cases and conjugations before you can call for help, brother, you're dead. - Dobie Gillis

If you speak three languages, you are trilingual. If you speak two, you are bilingual. If you speak one language, you are American.- Sonny Spoon

If it were not necessary to eat or wear clothes, Russia would be the greatest country in the world.- Yakov Smirnoff

Patriotism is the conviction that your country is superior to all others because you were born in it.- George Bernard Shaw

The people of Crete unfortunately make more history than they can consume locally. - Andrei Sakharov

There is no housing shortage in England today. That's just a rumour put about by people who have nowhere to live.- G.L. Murfin

I asked a Burmese man why women, after centuries of following their men, now walk ahead. He said there were many unexploded landmines since the war.- Robert Mueller