Shortages bring out the sense of humour.. so here are some songs one can sing to the LPG cylinder-
Maine tujhe chaha tujhe paya hai. (after a struggle)
Tumne mujhe dekha, hokar meherbaan, ruk gayi ye zameen, ruk gaya aasmaan..
Aaaja aaja, main hoon pyar tera.. aa ah aaja.. (after booking a cylinder)
Tu auron ki kyun ho gayi, tu hamari thi.. (when your cylinder is allotted to someone else)
Aap jaisa koi meri zindagi mein aaye to bhat (rice) ban jaye, haan haan bhat ban jaye.
This is a game of matching words on the LEFT with those on the RIGHT.
Exclusive Everything
Paradigm Sale
Revolutionary News story
Once in a Lifetime Product Ad
AI Journal Paper
Antecedents Conference Title
Who is Xi?
His favourite game? Ping Pong
His favourite spice? Hing
His favourite song? Ding, ding, ding, ding.. by Daler Mehendi
His favourite film? Ping is King.
His major fear? Fear of Sin-king.
Are your life goals determined by your surname?
At least in India, these are my hypotheses-
Agarwals want to own a Sweet shop.
Bansals want to do a flip-flop, or start a Flipkart.
Sonis want to strike Gold, in what they do.
Burmans want to either go into music or Ayurvedic medicine, like Dabur.
Patels want to own motels- in the U.S.
Singhs from Punjab want a Canadian citizenship.
Dash-es want to be dashing cops.
Jhas want to make pickles branded as Jhaji.
Bannerjees want to carry banners and protest.
Boses want to add an 's' and become bosses.
Deys want to be knighted.
South Indians usually have no surnames, so either they are goal-less, or have the same goals. In case of Andhra/Telangana, the goal is to settle in the U.S. and maybe in Kerala, to get a job in the Gulf.
If I were a ghostwriter, who could I write for?
Based on their spoken language, most politicians could do with my services.
Some academicians as well, because based on evidence from conferences or seminars, they don't seem to know where to stop.
Regulators from the education sector who speak as if they have changed the world. They haven't.
People who have conquered the world- not factually, but on Linkedin. I can always talk about how they did so, in the ghosted book.
Any more ideas, please let me know.
We pronounce English words exactly as we like- influenced by the Mother tongue, is many cases.
For instance, Telugu chaps usually pronounce the d in Bridge.
Marathi people think the Pen is a Pain.
Odiyas confuse the Boss with the Bus.. and Xavier becomes Jhabier.
The Bongs think the Heart is Hurt. And Award is aa-word.
Tamils pronounce Money as Mani- the na is the hard one.
Mallus are Zimbly too much, and gulp if someone else goes to the Gelf.
In some parts of the North, they study in an Iskool, isn't that cool?
But the best is a friend from Bihar who completely changed Voluptuous to Bholuputus.. can't beat that!
A bit early, but the day is not far away! So, imagine what the following would do, and where they would be on Valentine's Day.
Donald Trump- He would love to take over Greenland, Poland, any land where he can spread some love!
Putin- He believes in communism, and so loves all equally. Ukraine ho ya Afghanistan. Will try and prove it too.
Sherlock Holmes- he would go out in search of True Love- more difficult than all his other assignments put together.
Hercule Poirot- he would just be his charming, old-world self.
SRK- short for Shah Rukh Khan. He would love to sign autographs for his million admirers.
Salman- his search is unending, because he occasionally beats them up.. lovingly, of course.
Road Romeos- would be locked up in a safe place! With no Juliets in sight.
One major skill in being successful at your profession is to take credit where it's not due. You may argue that that is unprofessional, but I would argue that it works.
Look around you. How many politicians have claimed to have almost eradicated poverty, sickness, and bad governance? And will continue to do so, with wonderful results at the polls.
How many CEOs past and present, claim that their company is on its way to being no. 1 in market share, profitability, and return to shareholders, and then watch it go up in smoke?
The King of Good Times can also fall on bad times, but while he was here, there was an aura of invincibility around him. He was actually quite successful in launching the airline with the best customer service.. and an IPL team which eventually won a tournament!
Take credit whenever you can.. for launches, inventions, territory conquered, the Christmas Cake,..anything at all. Even if you are not in politics.. this can do wonders for your career, much more than hard work ever will.. because some other guy will take credit for that.
After hearing about the great success of the Khan Academy, I thought of this brilliant thing - The Con Academy.
It will be the ultimate con job.
It will promise to get you into an IIT, or IIM, or on the Moon if you prefer. Why, even the Sun, for that matter.
The only exception- it won't find you a match.. we don't want to eat into the business of Dating Apps, as a policy.
All you have to do to achieve your dream is to deposit some money into a numbered account in Switzerland. Once the deposit is confirmed, you will receive detailed instruction on what you have to do to get there.
We will have tie-ups with NASA, Elon Musk for space Odesseys. And tie ups with Maths teachers and ex-IIM faculty (like the Founders) for cracking the JEE/CAT. But they will only offer Q and A on Zoom, after you have studied for 72 hours a week, for 72 weeks.. by the, we hope the Swiss bank account will swell like the Ganges or Bramhaputra in spate, and we will be at some corner of the globe that's difficult to reach.. and gyarah mulkon ki police will not be able to trace us.. nor will the Jamtara scammers.
How's that for a business idea?
I am amazed at how many people find it difficult to speak to a large audience, and don't know it! Maybe I have attended too many seminars, conferences and so forth, and I should stop..
Maybe I sound as boring to those who are forced to listen to me, but maybe not.
I try-
to keep it brief. That is a relief for most :) Most people can't hold an audience for more than 10-12 minutes.
to keep audience level in mind. I must admit I was out of my depth when addressing school students once or twice.
to use everyday stuff like films, or film songs to make it more palatable.
to talk about the topic/event as far as possible, but use humour or analogy if I can.
to prepare if I have the time to do so, and write points down on a piece of paper, even if I don't look at it.
Not sure I always succeed, but sometimes, I think I do.
It's a real reality check. But in accordance with the adage Know Thyself, I will do some analysis of the Self. It's like taking selfies, but deeper.
I have almost zero knowledge of Physics, Chemistry, or Medicine.
I only read good literature, don't write any.
My knowledge of Economics is limited to the current prices of vegetables.
I have not helped solve an India-Pakistan conflict, or an Israel-Gaza conflict, or a Russia-Ukraine conflict, or one in my backyard where dogs fight with man, or with other dogs. Catfights are also not my territory to solve- because they usually don't involve cats..
Which basically leaves me with other Prize options, like the following-
Greatest Golf Trainer in Asia Prize
Great at Forgetting People's Names Award
Most Regular Blogger at 65 Medal
Punek (Anek) Pun Creator Prize
Best Movie Critic Award
PJ forwarder and OJ Maker Award
Not a bad set.. what are you likely to win?
You thought only Hindi films have a formula? Or Hollywood? You are quite wrong. Social media posts have one too- or more than one.
One that is surefire hit, and will go viral.
X had a job. Or nothing. He/she makes/made Y crores by doing Z.
Or, his/her parents sacrificed everything to put X through college, or supported her dream. Tears streaming down their eyes, they celebrate the kids' success.
How X climbed a mountain, when everyone gave up on him/her, but with great self-belief, he/she achieved his/her goal of being Y- an IAS officer, an athlete, or a Golfer.. just kidding, Golfers are super-rich as they are born with a Silver Golf Club in hand.
Any more that strike a chord with you? You can always make up a new formula that works- if it does.
Based on observation (one method of doing research), these are some types of airline passengers-
Corporate and Pseudo-corporate - they are usually carrying a laptop which they pretend to work on during the flight. Some carry a coat-case, while some wear a jacket- without a tie, as per prevailing fashion.
Mom or family with noisy kid- The kid makes a racket, and the Mom/Dad lovingly look on.
Loo-minous ones- always visit the loo, two times or three, starting within five minutes of the flight. Leaving airport loos much cleaner, I guess.. not sure about the in-flight ones.
The Demanding Customers- they demand things which they wouldn't at home. Usually male, wanting water, tea or extras that they haven't paid for.
Rude Rushers- they rush around and push people as if there's a Gold Medal for the fastest exiter.
Mindful Monks- they rarely speak, nod once or twice, and keep to their meditation mostly.
Mobile-watchers- after Kingfisher went bust, the TV screens disappeared. So these guys make up by watching some unwatchable muck throughout the journey.
I don't know. It could be anything, and our perceptions are different.
Some like famous people- celebrities, from sports, film, TV or other spheres. But I am talking of mere mortals here. What makes the guy/girl next door, or those from the Ordinary Mortals class attractive?
There are probably many things. These might also be surprising in some cases.
Sincerity or honesty in my view, is one major factor that makes a guy/girl attractive.
A helpful nature.
Intelligence, in some cases, if it's not tinged with arrogance.
Sense of humour.
Politeness of demeanour.
A good smile helps, in all the above..
The opposite, what makes people unattractive, in my view at least -
Arrogance
A tendency to show off..
Zero respect for other people's time.
Inability to smile.
Inability to laugh at oneself.
Ok, it is paying taxes if you work.. according to the government. Unless you live in a tax-exempt country. Yes, there are a few. Oil rich ones, usually.
It is buying financial products every day, according to banks which send you mails about them. Or, taking a loan. So you won't feel a-loan- when the collectors visit!
Grocery stores think you are born to eat..
Liquor stores think you are born to drink.
Kids think your purpose is to be like the World Bank- fund the poor and unemployed.
Mosquitoes want you to eat well, so your blood tastes good.
Trump thinks it is to elect him, and hate Elon Musk.. who also helped elect him.
Jewellery makers think your purpose is to be decked up 24 by 7.
Fake wedding party organisers - not sure!
First is social media. Facebook in particular. If not for me and some of my friends, Instagram would have taken over the world, and FB would have shut down.
Scotch labels from Scotland. The malts I consume are 50-60% Scottish, helping their industry thrive. Glenlivet, Laphroaig, Ardbeg, Caol Ila, and occasionally others like Glenmorangie, Lagavulin etc.
Indian makers of Single Malts like Amrut and Paul John.
Pan masala makers - rather, the ones who make those that taste like real pan. Also, one masala supari from Satara called Bhave supari.
Golf ball makers, by losing balls regularly, whenever I play Golf.
The airline industry, by taking unnecessary flights.
The tourism sector, by taking unnecessary vacations.
The restaurants wherever I live.
Bookstores, likewise.
After Anna Hazare, I think I am the most socially useful guy alive.
I'm the best, I'm the best.. so goes a song. No, I didn't create the song. Some Hindi film lyricist writing in English did.
Super cool? Awesome? Maybe. But what's this fascination for the superlative? Being good is no longer good enough? You have to be the best? And what about the rest?
Cricket commentators on radio in the good old days (before television happened) had this urge to call any good shot a "brilliant" shot, any good catch a 'superb' catch, and a good fielding attempt "incredible".
Now, social media rule the roost. And therefore, we have people describing an event as incredible, without any basis. Attending a conference? Incredible opportunity. Attending a faculty development program? Incredible. Listening to a speaker from industry, or better still, a startup? You guessed it- 'incredible.'
At this rate, nothing would remain credible anymore. You would be lost in an awesome wave of an 'incredible' ocean swallowing you up, and coming back on land would be impossible. Ever think of that?
Why are we academic types so boring? And I am not talking of in-class boring or droning on.. just regular boring.
Many of us don't have hobbies. We rarely socialise. We only travel to go to conferences- if our institution funds them.
We don't have a favourite author. If we do, we rarely talk about that author.
If we write, it's a research paper, most of the time.
We are not big on social media-though that is changing.
We rarely have an interesting perspective to share on anything other than the routine office politics, or the weather, or our commute.
Is there a cure for being boring? No idea, I am too bored to find out.
Who cares who wins the IPL? It's a commercial enterprise, unlike the matches between cricketing nations- particularly the Test Matches that test (literally) endurance and many other skills.
Well, that's true, but IPL seems to have a cult following - maybe for lack of anything better to do! So let's try and learn something from the phenomenon.
1. A challenger can't be a winner. It takes time to convert! 17-18 years, to be precise. May be shorter than the waiting period for a Green card,- look on the positive side.
2. A liquor brand will eventually displace Cement.
3. Kings can lose their crown. History is replete with examples. Queens too, but IPL has none- gender bias? Could be. Though there are some behind the scenes. I saw Preity Zinta once in a match at Hyderabad.,,
4. Akshay Kumar could make a film about this.. possible title? Virat ki Jai ho!
It's all about sustainability, if it's not AI talk. So, here are some tips to sustain you through the next chapter of your life-
Bread is not as sustainable as cake. Marie Antoinette was right, you should eat cake if you don't have bread.
Chocolate is for winters, as it does not melt. Try ice apple in summers.
Jokes about bosses make your stay in the organisation less sustainable- they have informers. Wait until you have left the organisation to crack them.
War with Pakistan is sustainable - for us. Not for them. We just have more people.
A Ph.D. makes you immune to delayed gratification in all spheres of life. Try it!
Acting is temporary. Reality is permanent. Be real. (sorry, lifted from something equally inane said by cricket commentators- Form is temporary, class is permanent?- whatever that means)
Our anniversary is coming up on 26th.. it's number 38. Tough to remember all the ups and downs we went through, first couple of years i...
