Sustainable Humour

 It's all about sustainability, if it's not AI talk. So, here are some tips to sustain you through the next chapter of your life-

Bread is not as sustainable as cake. Marie Antoinette was right, you should eat cake if you don't have bread.

Chocolate is for winters, as it does not melt. Try ice apple in summers. 

Jokes about bosses make your stay in the organisation less sustainable- they have informers. Wait until you have left the organisation to crack them. 

War with Pakistan is sustainable - for us. Not for them. We just have more people.

A Ph.D. makes you immune to delayed gratification in all spheres of life. Try it!

Acting is temporary. Reality is permanent. Be real. (sorry, lifted from something equally inane said by cricket commentators- Form is temporary, class is permanent?- whatever that means)

Crowned Tribal King at Chikhaldara

 I had the privilege of being crowned King of our tribe at Chikhaldara.. Here are pics of my tribeswomen and men, with me, in semi-tribal dress.

Linkedinese

 It's not Chinese, or Japanese. It's just a new way to use English, like Journalese.

An example. A professional Fly-swatter may post - "Grateful for the incredible opportunity to swat flies in an extraordinary Convention of Fly-swatters from around the world... " 

Or, a pole-dancer may post- "From North Pole to South Pole, I have now danced around poles everywhere. Except in Poland. Hopefully that dream will be achieved soon.."

Or, a no-gooder up to no good may advertise himself thus- " Finally, everything that you do results in no good. Come and learn from one who has done it his entire life.. been up to no good since I was a toddler. My parents can provide references."

Or a blogger (resemblance is purely coincidental) - " You, incredible readers of my blog, have saved me from utter helplessness, depression, anxiety and provided me with a will to live. I promise to continue to bore you as long as my pen (metaphorical, of course) has ink in it." 

Amen.

Comedians as Heads of State

 Seriously (!), it's not such a bad idea. We already have the Ukrainian Prez., the Punjab C.M. and in the past, Trump and Bush (OK, not officially comics, but you know what I mean).. and a bunch of dictators all over the world, who were extremely funny when they weren't executing people randomly. Let's be rational, and list down the benefits of having a funnyman/woman in the top job.

Humour is in short supply, with all the WhatsApp wars going on about your favourite politician, cricketer, or Football player (nod to American football too). 

Most governmental decisions are funny, to the discerning eye. 

The Happiness Quotient of a nation is something to preserve and expand.

Comedians in Hindi films are extinct - with all the special effects, and superheroes, who has the time to think of a comedy track like the guy who says 'Khamba ukhaad ke,' the sidekick to Gunmaster G 9 (Mithun C.) played by Jagdeep?

The bureaucrats run the show anyway, regardless of the party in power (as Yes, Minister proved so well), so might as well have fun with a funny guy/gal up there.

No, I am not contesting.. not funny enough for the job.

The Colony Strikes Back at the Empire

 The circle is complete.. India overtakes UK to become the world's 5th largest economy.

They took away our spices and textiles, so we invented software, which cannot be removed.

They gave us a cold shoulder, so we warmed up their Summers to 40 degrees centigrade.

They were too serious, so we let them elect a buffoon to rule over themselves.

They left us with an archaic school education system, so we got ourselves Edtech.

They boasted about their (neighbour's) Scotch, so we made Amrut.

They are still learning how to cook..where those spices went is an unsolved mystery.

Race 4 - A Script

 There was this horrible Hindi film called Race 3 a couple of years ago. So, being the creative mind that I always was (patting myself on the back is congenital and incurable), I sat down to think about a script for their next- Race 4. If you can't beat them, join them was my watchword. And, I succeeded. So here it is. I am selling it to the highest bidder.

Race-4

There are 4 teams in the race announced by the Intergalactic Vehicles Association based on Asteroid no. 420. The four are- Branson with a virgin (craft), Jeff Bezos with a new girlfriend, Elon Musk with a pet, and Salman Bhai with Katrina Kaif (or Jacqueline, based on who wins THAT race- to speak Hindi properly).

They start from the Sahara desert, because there's no parking available in Nevada anymore. All of them have a crew of two to four, in case they get lost, and have to be steered back to Earth. Whoever finds the headquarters of the Godforsaken Planets Association (GPA) on Pluto wins. 

They all blast off at the scheduled hour, when an Olympics gun borrowed from Tokyo is fired. Katrina (or Jacqueline) looks at Bhai and says, "Yeh kya ho raha hai?" like Dhritarashtra did in Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro when mayhem took place in his court. Bhai explains the rules of the game to her and says, "Don't worry, Bro, hum hi jeetenge." (the dialogue writer from Race 3 was borrowed here). 

The vehicles run by the competitors all have the latest solid fuel technology, and take an intial lead. But they are no match for the Hindi film heroes that take inspiration from writers that gave them so many flights of fancy over the years. So, there is a happy ending (not that kind, the filmy one), and Bhai's craft (with Jacqueline, or Katrina) sails into the GPA HQ and lands gingerly, waving the Tiranga. The crew sings to the losers, who appear after a few minutes- "Tum besahara ho to, kisi ka Sahara bano,." -signifying THE END.

There are a few twists and turns along the way that I cannot reveal, because this script is for sale. Interested? Bids close tomorrow.

Banning Things

 Just thinking aloud.. hopefully no one's listening, like in a class.

What are the new things we can put on the banned list?

1. Intelligent behaviour that can prevent further spread of COVID. Anyway, that seems to be in short supply. Might as well ban it, and enjoy the Tokyo Olympics in a stadium.

2. Surge Fares for cabs/flights. Since there are hardly any customers, this may hardly matter. People are just driving to the nearest hill-stations, it seems like.

3. Hill-stations can be banned. Remove the roads leading to them. Air drop supplies to residents.

4. Population-reduction devices (also known as family planning devices) ..when we have Covid, there's no need for those.

5. Maths- If we have no exams in 10th and 12th, we can help everyone by banning the subject.

6. The coot- Bandicoot! How's that for the closing shot?

How to Review an Academic Paper

These are simple guidelines for wannabe reviewers. You will never go wrong with these, and will rise to become an editor of a reputed journal in quick time..guaranteed.

1. Make a blank list of ten bullet points, where you will list the flaws (in the paper) you are yet to find.
2. Ensure that you don't use any adjectives that are positive.
3. Show how well-read you are. Quote three papers that the author has not cited (ignore those he has cited).
4. Ignore what the author has done, and focus on what he could have- examples are, How does this help to solve issues such as global warming? or, How does this help the reader know the exact reasons for Trump's impeachment? Where is the theory underlying this fishing expedition? (it does not matter that Management has not had any new decent theory for the past 50 years and most people think that it is an Applied Field).
5. Underline the fact that this piece of .... will be magically transformed from unprintable crap to a wonderful, life-changing piece that can solve issues mentioned in 4 above ONLY by amending it in line with your review. It's either your way or the highway!

Artificial Governance- A Satire

Why we need a politician to govern us is beyond me.

Bureaucrats can run the show with the help of AI. All you have to do is load the AI machines with all the important functions of the functionaries.

Online auctions can be performed after every election to find out who wants to change parties at what price-that takes care of government formation.

Digital signatures can also be used to clear any files, and regular attendance can be changed to optional in any office. Imagine the reduction in vehicular pollution levels, and the savings in petrol.

Social media can be used to conduct a referendum on all important ideas- if only Britain had asked me for consultancy, they'd have been saved an election, and lots of confusion- and Pounds (or Euros).

If AI has gone for maintenance, it can be called a Chai break/Lunch break- an indefinite one.You get the drift, I am sure.. you are intelligent, naturally.

Good Things

Good things come in twos, like Brangelina, DeepVeer, and PicNick. So I decided to experiment with some more Indian names of potential jodis..they can decide if they want to get married based on whether they like the sound of their combined names-

KirKir, because Kiran is a name that both sexes can have in India..

AshBhi, a celeb couple we already have.

ZoNe, for Zoheb and Neha.

GaSha, another celeb couple, with the lady's name first.

VinVin, when Vineet and Vinita decide that they are  a couple.

ManNa, for Manisha and Nana, who were reportedly together for a while.

ShoSha, for Shobhana and Shamsher.

I could go on, but I have to attend the party that JamSam are throwing in Jodhpur- Jamuna and Samrendra, guys!

Like, I mean..

Here's the latest on Americans' vocabulary- English vocabulary, from someone who just returned from a trip there. Sample these half-sentences-they have been cut short to prevent too much mirth,..bad for health.

Like, if you are like looking for like shoes, ...

Like, I'm gonna like absolutely go to like the North-east for my vacation

Can I, like, tell you, like, why I like the Disney characters?

Ok, like it or not, the word like is all-pervasive (not just on facebook), and is a substitute for other words, or just over-used in like, places where it's not needed..

But we can't let the Americans win so easily right? Matlab, it wouldn't be right. So we have matlab, used and matlab, over-used, in parts of our own dharti (land). Matlab, if you can't get this, you are a person from matlab, Mars or something.

Why I Hate Self-service

Self-service is a non-starter, as far as I am concerned.

First of all, the meaning of service is that the service-person is dedicated to serve me, the customer. If I am serving myself, what is he there for? Serving himself?

I end up buying more of everything I don't need, because of these *&* damn self-service retail stores. Who will pay me for all the wasteful expenditure?

The self-service concept dumbs down the service-people. Try conversing with a bookstore service-person in a book store, and you'll know what I mean. Do we want them to reach the IQ levels of a McD service-person in the U.S??

I hate to do my own work, when I don't have to. If I look for products, order them online, pay for them myself, and collect them at my doorstep myself, what are the service people doing? Or instead of royally hailing a cab or an autorickshaw (tuk-tuk),, if I have to spend many minutes booking it, and then explaining to the cab guy where to find me, I am not exactly thrilled by the experience.

Say NO to self-service. I would have started a movement against it, but then, that would be another exercise in self-service...

No Debate About This

...at least in my mind. TV debates by Presidential (or any other) candidates are so predictable and boring. They talk of the economy, statistics, housing starts, and budget deficits.

I am all for our brand of unrestrained potshots at everyone and everything-far more interesting.

Speeches are more fun..and when people rally to them voluntarily (!) you know that they are captivated by the stuff they get to hear, such as how the opposing party has ruined the country, and given a chance, will ruin it further.

How they have stashed money in Swiss banks, and given us a raw deal. How they are born from a long line of criminals, unlike our own party (applies to anyone who's the speaker) which is pure as driven snow (Snow White was from OUR khandan).

How we will make Mumbai a Shanghai, and you shall not be Shanghaied in the process. One great personality had promised to make Bihar's road as smooth as the cheeks of Hema Malini, the Dream Girl of Bollywood- I kid you not!

Where will all the GDP numbers and debates lead you, I ask, when you have the Happiness Index soaring after listening to such entertaining stuff?

No doubt, you will not want to debate this any further.

How to Deal With Fake News

Among all the manuals you need today, this is the most important- How to deal with Fake News. You will never ever need another manual on this subject. So here's how-

Step 1: Treat all news as fake news until proven otherwise. The onus of proof lies on the newscaster, reporter, forwarder, etc..and not on you. You just enjoy the feeling of being entertained by the lowly beings who create this, just like you might enjoy (I said might) a blockbuster Bhai film.

Step 2: Subscribe to the fakingnews website. They really have some good stuff, and they tell you it's fake news too. Pure entertainment, no tension about whether you should respond angrily, get offended, launch a counterattack, and so on.

Step 3: No news is good news. Switch off all news feeds, and listen to the birds tweet-instead of those awful 140 character things. Pretty sure you won't miss much, except voting day. But then, you are just voting for another fake news creator, so what the heck..go back to your beer, or chai, or whatever, and contemplate..gives you a lot of peace.

Step 4. If everything else fails, fake some news of your own... Everything is fair in the war of the fakes...

Minimalism

This means making do with the minimum that will serve the purpose. Art, food, drink, clothes, transportation, shoes, bags...

If we all became minimalists, it would be a disaster for the world economy.

Doctors would go out of business, as would slimming centres, diet advisors, ...

Retail stores would see their business resemble that of the 1929 depression.

GDP of all countries would resemble that of Sub-Saharan Africa (not sure where that is, but I thought it sounded appropriate).

Names would become shorter, because you don't need so many letters in it. Russian names of people and cities would eliminate all those unnecessary consonants...Awich and Bpova might become common.

Movie names would only have their short forms, like DDLJ and RHTDM, instead of the full forms.

Worst of all, marketing as a discipline may cease to exist...or re-invent itself as Mktg.

In Favour of Potholes

Potholes..ubiquitous as they are (more so in the rainy season), I think they serve a larger purpose (larger than what, you might ask-than themselves, let's just say).

They remind you that we are mortals, and not Gods cruising on effortlessly on a Heavenly Highway.

They force you to drive carefully. Anyone who has driven on potholed roads has better MOTOR skills (intended!).

Rollercoasters cost a lot to build, and maintain. Potholed roads, a lot less..

You can have competitions between neighbourhoods, and bragging rights for the guy who lives in those with big ones-My Pothole Biggest!

Kids can count them as a game, and it'll keep them away from their mobiles/gadegets for a limited period.

Not to forget, employment forever, recessions be damned..

Creative Answers to Common Interview Questions

These may not get you a job, but you will enjoy the interview process- it's the journey and not the destination that's important, right?

Q: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Vacationing in Goa every month under the guise of a sales meeting. I shall hold all meetings there.

Q: In 10 years?

Flying to my beach villa in the Bahamas in my private jet, all charged to the compay account (I'd have hired a creative accountant to do the needful).

Q: In 15 years?

In a log cabin writing books like all the MBAs these days seem to write- there are many Indian scriptures to choose from and turn into modern fables, a la Vayuputra.

Q: In 20 years?

I will run an organic farm where I will grow grapes and tomatoes. The grapes will be turned into wine and the tomatoes will be thrown at unwanted visitors.

Hillarious Observations on the 2016 Elections

Now that we are close to the end of a tragi-comic sequence of events leading to many Americans wishing that they had more Trudeau (pun intended) with candidate selection, we can brace for the aftermath.

If Trump gets elected, I will start a wall-building company, before Hiranandani or other construction companies get in. The Mexican border is big, and can keep me rich for 4 years.

If Hillary becomes President, I will start an email-destroying company, and get rich. If a mere secretary of state destroyed 35,000, imagine how many a Prez can destroy?

The Pentagon may be re-named The Hexagon, with a multi-faced President deciding that 5 sides are too few.

Ab ki baar, Trump sarkar, ya Hillary ke achche din aa gaye? Tension is increasing. Fox (news) is panting, and the stock markets are watching. Voters, I am sure, are wondering..what to do.



 

A Joke- The Hairdresser and the Pope

Because a joke a day keeps the blues away..

Pope and the Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Ave. getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. she mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded,

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome"........"so how are you getting there?"

"We are taking the Continental," was the reply. " We got a great rate."

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser, "that's a terrible airline, their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So where are you staying in Rome?"

"We 'll be staying at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste..."

"Don't go any further, I know that place, Everyone thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city. the rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced."
"So whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We are going to the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, You and a few million other people trying to see him, he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours, you're going to need it.

A few months later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful. Not only were we there on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel, it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so the apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well,", muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but
I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally
greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really....what did he say?"

He said....... "Where did you get that shitty hairdo?"

Alarmists

Let us try and clear the mist- I mean, from the alarmists. They are the ones who keep posting alarmist messages like-

Don't read the newspaper, it'll make your mind weak.
Don't eat pizza, it contains hidden micro-organisms that will cripple you.
Drinking Coke makes you impotent.
Morning walks/jogs can displace your arteries.
Ogling at guys/girls can make you blind.

You get the drift, right? So I decided if I can't beat them, I shall join them. Here I go-

Stay away from Arnab Goswami. He is too serious.
Stay away from Salman's films or you'll lose your shirt!
Stay away from investment bankers. If you don't, you'll lose your pants.
Stay away from parents. They tell you what to do.
Stay away from your teachers. Or you will start believing you are a nitwit.
Don't have kids. They make you cry.
Don't marry. Prevent Chapter 11/bankruptcy.

That's all for now. Back with more if you aren't 100% Satisfied with these.