Quickest Way to Become a Prof.

 This is strictly humour, so put your tongue in your cheek before you go ahead.

There's nothing to it, you just have to look old. If you ARE old, it's not a problem (look at me). If you aren't, you may want to invest in Baldness creams (these may not have been invented, so don't lose your hair over it, just get a wig), Hair-whitening dyes, and so forth. It would be a wise investment. (A corollary-all old people sound like profs. -you'll see why)

Point number 2- You pontificate. And I recommend the Full Ponty (sorry, Monty Python). Don't do it halfway. Unless most of your audience is asleep (but not snoring), you are not counted as a success. It does not matter WHAT you pontificate about, as long as you do. Remember the Nike slogan, and Just Do It! If it's online, the kids have gone to play football after logging in, so it's even easier.

What's the point of all this? That's just the point. You want to become a prof., and now you are there. Ph.D.s and research prowess etc. are over-rated. My way is simpler-far simpler. You will thank me for it, but I may be too busy pontificating, to acknowledge.

Pontification

We all (and not just the Pontiff) like to pontificate. We love to hold forth on subjects that we may or may not know much about. "Money makes the world goes around" is a blatantly wrong statement. Pontification does.

Count the number of pontiffs (defined as those who pontificate) around you. Start at the top and work your way down, until you get to the bottom of things. Random guys are fond of giving lectures or expert advice on just about anything, from curing baldness to making (not making out) in India.

Some species rather fond of this are the politicians/ministers, judges (look at irrelevant parts of judgements), lawyers (same with arguments), and the ones we encounter the most in life (no, I didn't say spouses)- the teachers.

Teachers in India like to think they are experts on everything under the sun. You could ask a teacher about how to climb Everest, and without batting an eyelid, he/she will hold forth for an hour or two. Change the question to something about paleontology, and he will do the same, even if he teaches computer programming in real life.

The best I have reserved for the last. The Amazing Cricket Fan. He invariably has the combined wisdom of Sunil Gavaskar, Harsha Bhogle, Ravi Shastri, Srikkanth, Sidhu (Khataaak!), Salim Durrani (he was known for hitting sixers at will before Gayle came along). He can't stop talking, period, when you open the subject of why India didn't make it to the finals of XYZ tournament. In his mind, He is a Champion -in mine, he is a champion, but among pontiffs. The full Ponty, if you will.

If you can't quantify, pontify!