Happy New Year- The Film Review That Wasn't

Like 'The Week That Wasn't', a spoof of the news during the week, let me attempt a review of a movie I did not watch.

Shah Rukh Khan dances his way into the audience's heart, matching steps with Abhishek Bachchan. Two of the best dancers ever!

Abhishek Bachchan does a fight, a disco, a comedy sequence, and a tragi-comedy sequence. That's more than he has done in years. Happy or not!

Farah Khan directs. She was great in Main Hoon Na (disclaimer- I saw that), greater in the last one (I forget the name of that one) and is the GREATEST in this one.

The producer is laughing all the way to the bank. So some people are happy-the bank and him. What about the viewers? Some people called me up just to tell me NOT to watch this and remain happy. What could be simpler? Forget Yoga, Meditation (Vipassana, the silent meditation, is especially hard on the incorrigible talkers), Reading, Music, Partying with friends, Long holidays in the mountains or at a beach, and all those things which cost a bomb. Just chill, and Don't watch a film! Can't get easier than this, the new Happiness recipe.

Happy New Year! Oh, oh, did you say you just watched it? :) :)

Being Interviewed by AG

I can imagine a certain someone who is about to be interviewed by Arnab Goswami (AG, with almost the same firepower as the CAG). If I were to be that one, I'd be quivering in my boots (just a turn of phrase, it could be chappals too). If I may let my imagination loose, it might go something like this-

AG: So, Mr. Nargundkar, you teach marketing, eh?
Me: Uh, (stammer, stammer),..

AG: The nation wants to know, how does marketing as a function contribute to society? If you look at the huge wastage of resources spent in making useless products that nobody wants to buy, and then spending huge amounts of rupees in advertising those, and the rage among the unwashed masses that it unleashes, spilling over into countless,...
Me: (stammer), ...Uh, ..I agree. It's a total waste.

AG: Oh, you do, do you? And what do you propose to do about it? The nation...
Me: ..would want to know, obviously.

AG: And what do you propose to do exactly, Mr. Nargundkar?
Me: (visibly shaken): Mr. Goswami, I will immediately buy a muffler.

AG (surprised): How does that help anything? The nation wants to..
Me: ..know, I know. Brand identity..I will become AAP, just as a cap made me Anna, so a muffler would make me Kejri, and I can drive all the marketing guys up the wall, by staging protest dharnas outside their offices. And through your channel, the nation will know that I mean business, not 'marketing.' What more does the nation want to know?

TV Jargon- Debatable?

TV and newspaper jargon is a constant source of mirth (Think I have been watching too many TV debates, thanks to Uttarakhand floods and some new juicy scam). I expect management jargon must be having a similar effect on the non-managers.

Any TV debate has a confused and/or aggressive anchor (think anyone of them, not just Arnab), and six participants, each with a 2-inch square window of opportunity-to-speak. The anchor lights a fire, it snowballs into flames, sometimes roaring flames.

Some guy: This is anti-national, anti- individual freedom, anti- aam admi, blah, blah...

Anchor: Absolutely (he never says relatively)

Another guy: This will negate the impact of what our govt. did in so-and-so year, blah, blah, blah..

Anchor: You have hit the nail on the head (whose head?)

Yet Another gal: You were always anti-poor, pro-America, FDI in Retail was a conspiracy, blah, blah,..

Anchor (turning to Guy 4 whom this barb is aimed at): Can you explain your stand on this important issue, vis-a-vis this charge made by YAG (see above)?

And so, at the end of a fire-and brimstone, noisy half hour, all the world's problems solved, vocal cords massaged, everyone goes home. And the viewer is none-the-wiser about whether his vegetables will cost more or less, due to the Monetary policy, Egypt uprising, or the Uttarakhand floods. And he is vaguely wondering who Snowden is, and if he saw him (snow..) on the weather channel.

All the new applicants for banks...what are they banking on?

Professor of The Year- A Non-review

Well, the movie is yet to be made, so I can't really review it- not even view it, actually. So maybe I'll just put out a possible plot.

There is a contest for professors at a Business School. The profs don't look like profs, but more like teenagers. Just like students in films never look like students. So they can sing, dance, climb trees or do whatever the script asks of them.

The contest involves devising the best exam in a subject, giving the best lecture in a class, and drumming up the best home-work assignment.

There are three hot contenders for the grand prize. Two guys and a lady- profs all. Here's what happens.

1. The lectures are all uniformly boring, and put everyone to sleep. So it's not a differentiator among the contestants.

2. The exam. The Ethics prof asks his students to analyse where Rajat Gupta went wrong, ..in getting caught, and how he could have prevented it. The marketing prof asks his students to create an ad for Kingfisher airlines soliciting passengers. Use of calendar girls is allowed, as they have just been chosen after a rigorous process. The International Business prof asks her students to analyse three differences between Starbucks and Cafe Coffee Day, not counting the logo and brand name. The winner? You vote through an SMS, dear reader.

3. The assignment. The students have to go to a disco, and measure the physical exertion versus satisfaction derived from doing a samba, a salsa and a hip-hop routine. And write an essay- this from the marketing prof. The Ethics prof asks his students to write a review of Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro and its possible impact on creating awareness about ethical issues. The International business prof asks her students to go on a tour to Indonesia and find out if they can survive a Richter scale -4 earthquake-live project.

Once again, you vote through SMS, and we will conclude who is the winner, next time. Jo jeeta, wahi sikandar.