How To Guides

There should be a How to Guide to help us negotiate important tasks that we need to perform in our life. I have customised this (potential wish) list for India. Anyone interested? You could be a millionaire.

1. How to fill up water to last you a day.
2. How to get a cooking gas connection.
3. How to Get an Address Proof.
4. How to Get a Driving License- with and without knowledge of driving anything, except driving people nuts.
5. How to Find a Suitable Match without using Shaadi.com
6. How to Negotiate your way through the ceremony.
7. How to Get Your Kid Admission into Kindergarten.
8. How to Get Through the maze of 'Type 1, Type 2' instructions and get hold of a Customer Care executive (why do they call them that?) with service of any kind.
9. How to Read a text book without falling asleep.
10. How to Play with a Straight Bat- this is for our test cricketers.

How To Guides- Part 2

We continue to look at this business of businesses and the following How To Guides which are next in line for publication-

1. How to get your kid admission into Kindergarten. An associated book will be on How to Beg for Favours and a supplement titled Standing in Line and Enjoying it! Sequels will cover High School, College and Post Grad studies.

2. How to Copy a Hit TV Show. Warning: This may not sell well, since all ideas for TV shows have already been copied.

3. How to Dance Like Govinda. Most important tips here will be on getting that manic expression on the face right. The dancing anyways is tough to describe in writing.

4. How to Join the Army. This will have a couple of chapters describing the various ranks that the army has, distinguishing between the various shoulder straps of various colours and the medals that you can get in a lifetime. And a little bit about holding a gun correctly.

5. How to make a mythological for TV (we still do, and some of these are better than the contemporary shows). This will come with a free DVD of all mythological films and TV shows that have appeared on screens big and small. You just pick one and redo it. Costumes can be supplied if needed-they are the most important thing in a mythological. Everyone knows the story, so no exertion is required in that direction.

How To Guides- Part 1

Part 1, because like Batman and Star Wars, I hope to have lots of episodes of this evergreen series. After all, everyone agrees that learning never stops. So how can guides? Wherever you have learning, can guides be far behind?

The first few guides-

1. How to give expert opinions on TV talk shows. You must not make sense, and shout louder than others-that's the key. Bonus chapter on Dealing with Arnab Goswami!

2. How to look sexy in a Food show- pouting, smiling and other chapters. Can also double as a guide to winning beauty contests. Add on a how to wear a swimsuit guide, that's all.

3. How to clear interviews for any job - learn twenty important words and use them randomly

4. How to write a winning blog. If I knew that, I wouldn't be writing this post.

5. How to become a star. Be born in a star family. Read the guide for other tips, like switching babies in a maternity ward.  95% guarantee of success. 5% errors may be due to typos. Please excuse.