Innovative Solutions to Violence

Violent acts, mostly of terrorist type, have been happening in the past months with clockwork regularity. Regular solutions don't seem to work. Here are some we can try out.

Post Bruce Willis in every place which has any chance of being attacked. He dies hard.

He can't be everywhere. So, post Salman Khan and his six packs in other places.

After him, Sunny Deol with his two and a half (dhai) kilo fist should do the trick.

All the miracle-monger babas should be asked to forecast where the next attack will happen. And put them there, to see them happen (or not). Both ways, society would gain.

Put a Section 144 or equivalent everywhere. If more than four people can't gather anywhere, the casualties will be minimal even if there is an attack. But yes, the Retailing industry will have to take a hit.

Book any terrorist passengers on those airlines which regularly dump their planes in the sea..rings a bell?

Earth-shaking News

We all are governed by what happens around us, so we badly need to know-

How many shirts Salman Khan owns. And if he does own some, why is there a perpetual shortage?

Did Sonam Kapoor sneeze before her first shot for her new film?

How many hours Modi sleeps in a day.

What Jackie Chan plans to write in his Will.

How much Bill Gates earns.

How Anushka will react to RCB losing out.

What was the raise that all the CEOs of India's biggest companies got.

What the latest report says about the impact of wine consumption on our heart.

Whether Kangana sent emails on behalf of Hrithik or did he, on hers? Or was it that Wikileaks guy playing a prank on both?

Our next meal depends on it. For the tadka.

My Brand Names

The business of naming brands/people/things is tricky. You can get it right, and sometimes, horribly wrong. If I could name the following, my favourite names would be-

1. For a West Bengal Political Party- Oh, Calcutta.

2. For Salman Khan's signature shampoo which will compete with Pant-ene - Shirtoff.

3. For the FM Radio Jockeys who like to yak non-stop- Yukyuk.

4. For stock market "experts" who let you sink, as they are unable to predict a downturn- Titanic.

5. For Nitish/Laloo- Do Be'Chare'

6. For Arnab- Go, Swami.

7. El Nino- Kisiki to suno.

8. Google's next product- AtiSunder!

9. Guys who agree to get into Big Boss-  GetaLife

10. People who read blogs- Golden Hearts!

Alarmists

Let us try and clear the mist- I mean, from the alarmists. They are the ones who keep posting alarmist messages like-

Don't read the newspaper, it'll make your mind weak.
Don't eat pizza, it contains hidden micro-organisms that will cripple you.
Drinking Coke makes you impotent.
Morning walks/jogs can displace your arteries.
Ogling at guys/girls can make you blind.

You get the drift, right? So I decided if I can't beat them, I shall join them. Here I go-

Stay away from Arnab Goswami. He is too serious.
Stay away from Salman's films or you'll lose your shirt!
Stay away from investment bankers. If you don't, you'll lose your pants.
Stay away from parents. They tell you what to do.
Stay away from your teachers. Or you will start believing you are a nitwit.
Don't have kids. They make you cry.
Don't marry. Prevent Chapter 11/bankruptcy.

That's all for now. Back with more if you aren't 100% Satisfied with these.

My Own Ideas of a Referendum

First, let me get my plurals straight. Is the plural of referendum referenda, or referendii, or some something else? Whatever..let's assume it's 'referenda' and proceed. These are the following referenda I can see coming in the near future (not being an astrologer, I can't see too far, you see)..

1. Referendum on whether Kolhapuri cuisine is hotter Saoji cuisine.

2. Referendum on whether the new IIMs should be in a city with a population more than 5 lakhs, and number of businesses in town greater than 5.

3. One on whether humans should colonise Mars or the Moon

4. Referendum on whether Virgin Airlines should do the colonising

5. on Whether the fault lies in our stars, and if so, why there are no starquakes as in 'earthquakes'

6. on whether an airline can be run into the ocean, just like they 'run them into the ground'

7. On whether Candy Crush Saga can be given the status of an Epic

8. On whether Hindi-Chini are bhai bhai again

9. On whether the film industry can survive Salman Khan

10. On whether the Indian cricket team should change its name when they play abroad (MCC and England are sort of precedents for this)