A Dictionary of Sorts- Part 1

These gems are from Dictionary of English-The Udder Side by PV Subramaniam. There are lots more, and of the racier kind also, where these came from. To the family audiences, these should be good enough.

Python- a snake having a crush on its victims.

Rat Race- sporting event witnessed when the cat is out of the bag.

RIP- Do-not-disturb sign used in grave situations.

Peace- What the US wanted Saddam to rest in.

Paunch- no dearth of girth

Perfume- an expensive alternative to bathing.

Pharaoh- Daddy who became Mummy.

Pall-bearer- A guy who lets you down at the last minute.

Zuckerberg Jokes

Some innovative stuff, inspired by the Facebook founder's India visit.

Which would be his favourite Hindi film?

Jhuk gaya aasman.


His favourite song from Hindi films?

Jhuk jhuk, jhak, jhak, Bombay se Baroda tak, tum kaho gate rahe hum..


His favourite restaurant?

Zak's.


What did he do when his girlfriend ditched him?

Started playing Candy Crush Saga.


What did he say to Modi when he was told "Make in India?"

He 'made' a face.


He went to a meeting with top industrialists and celebrities. The emcee asked him about the competition.

A 'twitter' could be heard among the audience.


When Zuckerberg is tongue-tied, what does he do?

Like, you mean, like, stutter, ..like ..

Characters You Meet

These are a few character sketches, though brief, of characters I have met in my life spanning around 54 years so far. They enlivened my life, and I am ever grateful. Maybe you had a few, too to enliven yours. If not, have fun with these.

A guy who perpetually carried a funereal expression on his face, as if he had just returned from one. The guy resembling him the most is Chief Vitalstatistix from Asterix comics, who is scared of the sky falling on his head.

Another who spoke as if he were preparing for CAT, MAT, GMAT, and GRE all together. Meaning, high-flown English. Alas, they don't make them like that any more.

A guy who would talk only about the opposite sex, and how to 'win friends and influence people' of the right kind. He was in the U.S. in a cosmopolitan environment, and was country-neutral when it came to his friendships, but not gender-neutral.

Another who was just the opposite of this 'friendly soul', who was not just tongue-tied, but also shied away from women. So much that he even walked away if a woman entered an area within a few square metres of himself. Luckily, his mom was not aware of this as he came out into this world!

A friend who would be fine until his third drink (in one evening), and then turn into a hilarious caricature, doing things that are too funny to put down in print, but many of these alternately entertained and scared people around him.

One who repeated himself at least four to five times in a short time. So you could only progress so much in a conversation with him. And he had a theory about everything that happened in the world.

A guy who thought he was the resident wit and wanted the world to think he was the funniest guy alive. I know what you are thinking- no, it's not me. Though if you want to think of me that way, I wouldn't mind at all!

Book Review-Jack Patel's Dubai Dreams

I saw something on the back of the book that called bankers 'bangers' (in Malluspeak) and that piqued my interest in this one. And it turned out to be a really good read. I suspect it is partly autobiographical, or sounds like it. The characters are all very real, the Indians, Americans and the rest.

 The story is narrated from the viewpoint of a private banker living in Dubai. I learnt a lot about the world of private banking/investment banking after reading it. Finance is not my forte, and I understand very little of what goes on in the big, bad world of multi-million dollar investments. Well, now I know a couple of percentage points more.

But this is a well-told story of the pre-2008 and post- 2008 world (and Kenya where Obama's family comes from), and it gave me the following insights-

• Kenyans call snacks 'bitings'.
• There isn't much difference between a lottery and investments that he are speculative, whatever may be the instrument or investment class.
• Dubai is a potential bubble like anyplace else.
• Grandmothers knew a thing or two about investing/saving.
• The U.S. survives on hype and marketing, because others can't match it on these.
• Any other country can catch up if it's serious about doing so.

I enjoyed reading it.

Lasting Contributions of Bollywood Heroes and Heroines

This is a TIC (tongue-in-cheek for backward people) look at lasting contributions of Bollywood Celbs of my time and yours-

Alia Bhatt- the jokes, of course. After Ajit (a villain), these are the most formidable.

Jeetendra- the white shoes are his legacy.

Mithun-da- Turning, twisting, gyrating, redefining Newton's Laws of Motion.

Rajesh Khanna- the look, a romantic one.

Dharmendra- Main tera khoon pee jaaonga . The dialogue.

Jaya Bhaduri- her laugh

Dev Anand- his scarves, and the delivery of dialogue without punctuation. The way he said, ..well, anything.

Madhubala- the crooked smile which floored the straight guys.

Helen- Her slimness in a world of overflowing adipose tissue. Amazing.

Mehmood- His anti-Fair and Lovely anthem in Gumnaam. Hum kaale hain to kya hua dilwale hain.

Shatrughan Sinha- Khamosh! One-worder rather than one-liner. But also had one liners like "Tum jis school mein padhte ho, hum uske Headmaster hain"

Om Prakash- his facial expressions were classic.

Navin Nischal- not sure, he didn't last too many Sawans or Bhadons, took the Victoria no.203 and went away..

Raj Kapoor- The Charlie Chaplin walk, look,..

Zeenat Aman- The glam quotient. Paved the entry to non-actresses with hot looks, that continues to this day.

Parveen Babi- Gave (Namak) Halal a sizzle that was as good as the steak (Advertising fraternity might get this one..)

Lalita Pawar- a blueprint for all Ekta Kapoor successes.

Haider and More

Saw Haider and liked it, but there are a few improvements that would have made it a classic for me. Mostly, it's the pace. It is slow in the first half, which as a marketing man, I find difficult to take. The story is quite static in half one. It takes too long to just establish the fact that Haider (Shahid Kapoor) was sent away to study, his father taken away by cops, and that Shraddha loves him. The cinematography keeps it going, with lovely shots of Kashmir.

The screenplay and editing needed to be crisp, for a story like this one. The complexity of the relationships and the dilemmas of all the characters does come through, but at the cost of early disinterest in the happenings. If it was an adventure like Sholay, the action would keep you glued, but here, it should have been edited far better. Sequences with Shraddha's brother, the army interrogation, and a few others were just superfluous, and added unnecessary drag.

Most Hindi films suffer from this malady, though. The locales, the acting and the action in the second half are really good. Usually, the first half is more satisfying in Hindi films- here, it's the opposite. I liked Irrfan the best, though his role is short. I was reminded of the Himalayan shootouts in Rajesh Khanna's potboiler "Roti" at the end.

Moral of the story? Your dilemmas can kill others. Watch out!

Also re-watched a few comedies over the last few days, all different from each other. Mel Brooks' History of the World Part 1, Carry On in The Jungle, and Naked Gun 2 and a 1/2. All great fun, but done very differently. 

Alarmists

Let us try and clear the mist- I mean, from the alarmists. They are the ones who keep posting alarmist messages like-

Don't read the newspaper, it'll make your mind weak.
Don't eat pizza, it contains hidden micro-organisms that will cripple you.
Drinking Coke makes you impotent.
Morning walks/jogs can displace your arteries.
Ogling at guys/girls can make you blind.

You get the drift, right? So I decided if I can't beat them, I shall join them. Here I go-

Stay away from Arnab Goswami. He is too serious.
Stay away from Salman's films or you'll lose your shirt!
Stay away from investment bankers. If you don't, you'll lose your pants.
Stay away from parents. They tell you what to do.
Stay away from your teachers. Or you will start believing you are a nitwit.
Don't have kids. They make you cry.
Don't marry. Prevent Chapter 11/bankruptcy.

That's all for now. Back with more if you aren't 100% Satisfied with these.