Marketing-speak

These are borrowed, I forgot from where

Customer loyalty
Inertia

Customer loyalty schemes
Bribes

Customer satisfaction
Not made ill or swindled

Satisfied loyal customers are the lifeblood of our company
Why bother with a thank you gift to customers? They've already given us their money

93% customer satisfaction
Most of the dissatisfied customers have left

We have a well-defined niche presence in the market
We don't have enough customers

Target marketing
Those with a pulse

Direct marketing
Junk mail

Database marketing
Targeted junk mail

Database relationship marketing
Personalised junk mail

e-database marketing
Junk e-mail, without postage costs

Does this comply with the Financial Services Act 1987?
Can we get away with it?

Financial adviser
Someone who invests your money until it's all gone

For the benefit of our customers
For our benefit

Customer service department
Keeping complainants at bay

All our operators are busy with customers at present
The other operator is off sick

Down-sizing
Redundancy

Dumb-sizing
Firing the marketing department

Suggestion box
Shredder

ISO 9000
Mediocrity you can rely upon

Added value
More expensive than supermarket own label in order to pay for the advertising

Premium quality
See above

Jumbo, Large, Medium
Medium, Minute, Microscopic

Sun-kissed avocados
Rapidly-rotting avocados

Traditional
Old fashioned

Old fashioned
Prehistoric

Customers wouldn't understand it
I don't understand it

We are always on the look-out for new ideas
What successful case-histories do you have on this?

Originality is essential in our business
We are always looking out for new ideas in calendars

We don't want to be too elitist
Balloons, T-shirts and fluffy dice will do the trick

You can't make changes until you're elected
Tell the prospective client what they want to hear, even if it's wrong

Mystery shoppers
Pseudo shoppers easily identified by sales staff because of their asinine enquiries

We know our staff perform because we conduct mystery shopping
See above

We're sorry you were disappointed in our product
There's nothing wrong with our product, it's your attitude that's wrong

We seem to have a breakdown in communications
You disagree with me