Simple Cures for Global Slowdown

My top five cures for the global slowdown.

1. Lock up all economists. Who will then tell you whether there is a slow-down or a fast-up?

2. Ban news on the GDP, economy, exports, budgets etc. from all neswpapers, TV and online media. If individuals (like birds) twitter about anything else, let them.

3. IPL matches should be on 365 days a year. In any case, they are on for two months. What's another ten? This can provide global employment to out-of-work cricketers, and the unemployed audience can spend time watching the matches. Talk about killing many birds with one stone. PETA, please excuse the metaphor.

4. Extend the concept of IPL to other games, for backward nations that don't know how to waste time!

5. Make David Dhawan and Sajid Khan films compulsory viewing in India. This will tremendously boost the GHP or Gross Happiness Index (which, unlike the GDP, will be measured). This will be due to people laughing at intended and unintended jokes.

Mumtaz- A Tribute

Shah Jahan built a Taj for his. I am no Shah Jahan, so I will simply write a blog. This one is for the yesteryear actress called Mumtaz. No relation to the wife of Mr. Jahan- at least not that I know.

She was one who came up the hard way, from bit roles and vampish roles (villain's moll etc.) to play some good roles in many films. A couple that I recall were in Roti with Rajesh Khanna, and Khilona with Sanjeev Kumar (he is a mentally ill man, and she tends to him). In the film Roti, there was a great chemistry between her and Rajesh Khanna, and the song, Gore Rang pe na itna gumaan kar was one of my favourites. Bindiya chamkegi choodi khankegi from Do Raaste also made her famous.

She was never considered a major or great actress, but she had a sizeable number of hit films. Many with Khanna (Aap ki Kasam), but some with Dharmendra (Loafer), Dev Anand (Tere Mere Sapne, Hare Rama Hare Krishna in which she was the 'kanchi' whose preet was sanchi.), Manoj Kumar (Patthar ke Sanam), Shammi Kapoor (Bramhachari-Aaj kal tere mere pyar ke charche har zabaan par), Biswajit (Mere Sanam), Jeetendra (Jigri Dost and I think Himmat), Dilip Kumar (Ram aur Shyam), Sanjay Khan (Mela), and so on.

She was lovely, bubbly and mostly positive in her roles. Owned some tea estates through her hubby in Ooty/Coonnoor. Brought a natural freshness to the screen. One song of hers from the film AAdmi aur Insaan was my all-time favourite- Zindagi ittefaq hai. Probably true.

Sorry, But You Look Great

In the good old days, complimenting a lady on her beauty was an art that was highly valued. Chivalry was also a high art form, with Sir Walter Raleigh being known (among other things) for spreading out his cape on the floor for a lady to walk on.

Opening doors and pulling chairs out for women to sit on were considered a done thing for a gentleman, and the ladies were grateful for it. But it looks as though times have changed.

An Obama finds himself in the soup for having complimented the good looks of an attorney general in a Western state of the US of A. And finally, out of a threat of censure or of being asked to demit office (not sure what demit means but anyway, sounds right here), has APOLOGISED to the said lady. Sorry I thought you were beautiful, or something like that. How un-cool is that?

On the same lines, can I call someone ugly without being apologetic about it? And without the lady being apoplectic about it? Something to think about, surely.

A Way to Die Happily

Death and taxes, as someone has pointed out, are inevitable. But happiness is not. Particularly when it concerns dying. We are into life-prolonging mechanisms of all sorts, including practicing bizarre medicine, prayers, and the like. Not to mention body-freezing and other 'scientific' methods.

But this is not about prolonging life. It is about being happy while you die. Unfortunately, it is not a theory I developed. I am merely narrating it, in my own words. It is from an essay by Umberto Eco, probably translated from the Italian.

You must think of everyone else in the world as a fool. Except you. But this must not happen too early in life. My view is this is where we go wrong. Anyway, why?

We will never be happy if we think that all that we are going to miss is really good/worthwhile. Then we wouldn't want to go. The people, places, things that we leave behind must seem worthless. That would make us happy. But if that happens too early, then we wouldn't enjoy life. Gradually, over a period, we must therefore develop a 'superiority complex', if I may paraphrase Eco. And feel happy that we are going beyond it all.

For details, refer to his original writing. As a theory, it makes sense, don't you think?

Jobs for Hollywood Celebs

If the unthinkable happens, and all the Hollywood actors (of either sex) are jobless due to recession there, Bollywood can step in (as IPL has for cricketers of the erstwhile first world) and find them some employment. The Khans and (remaining) Kapoors and (never-in-it) Bachchans will then have competition that is global. Here is a preview of the films that will get made.

1. Heeron Ka Saudagar. Remake of Diamonds are Forever. This will star Al Pacino as a member of the Italian (Sicilian?) mafia smuggling diamonds using tennis racquets, a la Johny Mera Naam, busted by the debonair Indian hero Salman dabangg Khan. The glam quotient will be provided by Sunny Leone who is now an established Bollywood actress.

2. Jolly LLB ( the recent courtroom comedy) will be remade with a female leading lady,  Angelina Jolie, speaking Bambaiya Hindi. The role of the opposing lawyer will be played by Danny DeVito.

3. Buddha Hoga Tera Baap will be a multi-starrer, starring all the Hollywood guys still alive and over 65, such as Robert De Niro, Jack Nicholson, Arnold Shwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood etc...add another half a dozen, ... you get the plot.

4. Hum Aapke Hain Kaun will be remade with Meryl Streep playing Maddy Dixit's role. Salman will be replaced by Tom Hanks.

5. Amar Akbar Anthony will now star Morgan Freeman as Amitabh, Tom Cruise as Vinod Khanna, and Richard Gere (with a lot of black hair dye) as Akbar Ilahabadi. Their lady loves would be Halle Berry, Catherine Zeta Jones, and of course, Pretty Woman Julia Roberts (with whatever-coloured hair dye).

All actresses will necessarily have to learn classical dance forms such as Kathak and Bharatanatyam, and learn to love trees, as there will be a lot of running around them while singing the duets with the hero. The heroes will receive a crash course in mouthing long dialogues written by fight composers instead of dialogue writers, as in Singham, Dabangg, and many other 1-billion-rupee club films. Shwarzenegger and Stallone will need to work HARD!

National Time-wasting Strategies

There is something we are no.1 in the world at- apart from producing babies, I mean. It has not been documented or certified, or we'd be at the top of the pops (no, not the baby-producing ones, the charts). We are the no. 1 Time-wasters in the world.

Time-wasting strategies, like those of corporates selling umbrellas, are seasonal. In April and May, we have the IPL- a so-called cricketing extravaganza, in which the cricket is hidden in a maze of before the match, after the match and during the match interruptions. Don't ask me how you can interrupt before the match-ask THEM.

In June-July, we crib about rain. Either too much, or too little. Shakespeare was right when he said something about floods leading to fortune. Famine or drought also leads to fortune for some.

August is a month we worry about foodgrain production not being enough. In September, we start planning vacations for the next three months. In the next three months, we actually go on holidays for Dasara/Durga-pooja, Diwali, Christmas, New Year, and a few others in between.

January is spent talking about the New Year party and the Christmas holidays, and how we plan to actually work in the new year. February is usually a mixed month, because there is an anticipation of a budget being presented at the end of the month, and March is spent dissecting the same after it is presented.

Test matches, football matches (even though we rank 189th out of 190 in the world here) and price hikes from onions to petrol, and evil bosses at work to destroy our careers are other hot topics. Celebrity gossip (whether Aishwarya is pregnant a second time, etc.)  takes away whatever remains, and we are left with little time to contribute to our GDP. No wonder we are growing at a snail's pace again.

And then, when we have the time, we crib about not having any.

Politically Correct

These are challenging times, because you have language and then you have politically correct language. Want examples?

Blind is 'visually challenged'. You want to call a guy short? He is not short, he is vertically challenged. Negro became black a few years ago, and then African American a few more years after that.

But my proposition is that if you want to be economically correct, or anatomically correct, or correct in some other ways, you would have to stretch yourself much further than if you were only politically correct.

A cowboy actually rides a horse, and may not be a boy, if Western movies are to be believed. In a politically correct era, he would be re-named 'Bovine Control Functionary' and a homeless wanderer would be 'residentially flexible'. But best of all, if you were bald, you would have the pleasure of being referred to as 'follicularly challenged'. (these are picked up from an essay by Umberto Eco on the subject of discussion).

Is there a method in the madness? But madness would no longer be madness, would it? May be it would be idiosyncratic behaviour laced with unpredictability. Ha, ha, I know what you are getting at. Before you find the politically correct adjective for me, let me stop.