Just some random thoughts about Modern Diseases and their treatment.
1. Don’t Check Ur Mailitis: Strikes many a healthy emailer without notice. Can induce long stays in the real world. Patient recalls only physical world, and tends to forget the unreal, or virtual world. Starts living his first life, to the complete exclusion of his second life.
Treatment: Earlier treatments included mails to the patient announcing he had won 200,000 pounds (the currency, not the weight) in a lottery. This treatment no longer works. A whack on the side of his head (a physical one, actually delivered on the side of his head) sometimes works. A kick in the right place may also be tried as an alternative line of treatment.
Note: A golf club should not be used to administer the treatment. It can land the do-gooder in the cooler for life.
2. Realityshowtitis: This shows up in symptoms like saying to your children after they have brushed their teeth, "your score is...thirty", with a flourish, or saying to your boss in office, "You are eliminated from this company", or saying to anyone at home, "We will meet in the next round", or similar forms of disoriented speech. Serious cases include assuming you are a KBC show host and offering every guest four options of drinks or food, using letters a, b, c, and d before naming them.
Treatment: Blowing up the fuse of the TV set is the best treatment. Asking the patient to sleep for at least eight hours a day reduces the symptoms dramatically. Engaging the patient in some socially useful activity may also help, though if he exhibits reluctance to do so, force or threats may be needed.
3. Twitchyfingers: This is completely unlike the itchy finger, where scratching it is enough to cure. What happens to the patient is he treats anything he sees as a mobile phone keypad or a computer keypad, and starts typing on it. If done on a bald head, it can have hilarious consequences for observers, but not for the one with the head.
Treatment: There is no known cure for this, except to try to convince the patient that he is living in the year 1984, when computers and mobile phones did not exist. Giving him a gun may lead him to ape Quick Gun Murugan. Mind it.
4. Tiger Woods Syndrome: This is a delusional state where the patient constantly plays superb golf strokes in the air. Symptoms are similar to those found in the Tendulkar Syndrome and Beckhamitis (except that this affects the foot). He is under the illusion that he is Tiger Woods.
Treatment: The most effective treatment is to take the patient to the woods, and show him a real tiger, uncaged. While running for his life, his health will rapidly return to top form, and after recovery, he may perform well in athletics, at least.
5. Husbanditis: This manifests itself as deafness in BOTH ears when there is mention of any household work, responsibility, etc.
Treatment: This affliction is incurable, once a person becomes a husband. Vaccination through an ‘anti-marriage brainwash vaccine’ is the only preventive measure available.
1. Don’t Check Ur Mailitis: Strikes many a healthy emailer without notice. Can induce long stays in the real world. Patient recalls only physical world, and tends to forget the unreal, or virtual world. Starts living his first life, to the complete exclusion of his second life.
Treatment: Earlier treatments included mails to the patient announcing he had won 200,000 pounds (the currency, not the weight) in a lottery. This treatment no longer works. A whack on the side of his head (a physical one, actually delivered on the side of his head) sometimes works. A kick in the right place may also be tried as an alternative line of treatment.
Note: A golf club should not be used to administer the treatment. It can land the do-gooder in the cooler for life.
2. Realityshowtitis: This shows up in symptoms like saying to your children after they have brushed their teeth, "your score is...thirty", with a flourish, or saying to your boss in office, "You are eliminated from this company", or saying to anyone at home, "We will meet in the next round", or similar forms of disoriented speech. Serious cases include assuming you are a KBC show host and offering every guest four options of drinks or food, using letters a, b, c, and d before naming them.
Treatment: Blowing up the fuse of the TV set is the best treatment. Asking the patient to sleep for at least eight hours a day reduces the symptoms dramatically. Engaging the patient in some socially useful activity may also help, though if he exhibits reluctance to do so, force or threats may be needed.
3. Twitchyfingers: This is completely unlike the itchy finger, where scratching it is enough to cure. What happens to the patient is he treats anything he sees as a mobile phone keypad or a computer keypad, and starts typing on it. If done on a bald head, it can have hilarious consequences for observers, but not for the one with the head.
Treatment: There is no known cure for this, except to try to convince the patient that he is living in the year 1984, when computers and mobile phones did not exist. Giving him a gun may lead him to ape Quick Gun Murugan. Mind it.
4. Tiger Woods Syndrome: This is a delusional state where the patient constantly plays superb golf strokes in the air. Symptoms are similar to those found in the Tendulkar Syndrome and Beckhamitis (except that this affects the foot). He is under the illusion that he is Tiger Woods.
Treatment: The most effective treatment is to take the patient to the woods, and show him a real tiger, uncaged. While running for his life, his health will rapidly return to top form, and after recovery, he may perform well in athletics, at least.
5. Husbanditis: This manifests itself as deafness in BOTH ears when there is mention of any household work, responsibility, etc.
Treatment: This affliction is incurable, once a person becomes a husband. Vaccination through an ‘anti-marriage brainwash vaccine’ is the only preventive measure available.
5 comments:
Sir/Doctor Saab,
What is the cure for my Politicitis? Making me a Chairman of some XYZ Developmental Corporarion?? My qualification is NIL, a very essential criteria to be in it :))
Nagendra,
Consult the Reddy Brothers from Bellary, they can give you lessons..which may cure you.
Ha ha ha. Good one Sir. Dr. Reddys are busy treating Yeddy in the ICU currently. Patient looks stable after early criticalities :-)
Can we expect a write up on Karnataka crisis in your blog Sir?
continuing the random theme -
ever wonder why the following terms are part of Indian lexicon and can be heard on variety of public broadcasts whereas they are almost never heard of in the western media?
Husbandry (as in animal husbandry - not entirely sure of the association with the male version of the spouse?)
Diaspora (common term used by politicos to show they are somewhat learned - oblvious to what it really may mean - not to mention its crude phonetic resemblance in a certain accent to the accouterments for infants to prevent liberal dispensing of infectious matter)
Duty (not the kind that has varied implications to people dragging U HAUL worth cartloads through international terminals at Indian ports of entry but the one that referes to 'nature of work' as in - he is on DUTY; the average Joe (a term that in the Orient would solicit literal search for an individual named Joe) in the west would merely get confused if asked whether he is on Duty - unless he happens to be a real life cop on a beat)
Matriculate - as in certain type of qualifying exams that Indian youngsters attempt at certain stage in life would be a completely foreign concept in the states (here they take a test with no expectation to pass) for example where now a days they are talking about relaxing the guidelines to schooling with 4 day work weeks (to save on the dollares - aint got any in the coffers)
which brings me to the last one -
PASS OUT - the Jewish tradtion may have something to say here but for the largely western schooled masses this term only refers to a certain physiological state that may require professional medical help while in India it would be akin to rite of passage in terms of completion of certain level of formal schooling.
Nagendra, yeddy meets reddy seems like a good theme..maybe.
Tire36, interesting observations. There are probably some ancient British usages/hangovers in our English, but very likely, the reverse is also true...many usgages in the US or elsewhere that we don't get to hear in India because we are like this only...
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