New Happiness Measures

No half-measures allowed. Happiness is too important to be left to the unhappy. So here we go, acquainting the world with these brand new measures of the big 'H'. Get ready to measure and be happy.

1. How long the batteries last. If your laptop and mobile batteries last longer than the next guy, you are, by definition, happier...than him or her.

2. Muscles/square inches of body in case of boyfriends. If you are a girl.

3. Beauty/square inches of body for girlfriends, if you are a guy.

4. Furniture/square inches of home space if you are a 'settled' female.

5. Amount of beer/other liquids per square inch of home space if you are a 'settled' guy.

6. Number of facebook friends you have, if you are 'settled' or not, man or woman. This is non-discriminatory, and totally democratic, unlike 150 countries in the world.

7. Number of biryanis you cumulatively ate in a lifetime, if you are a Hyderabadi. Pseudo-biryanis to be deducted from the total.

8. Irani chais, ditto.

9. Number of commuters you abused, if you are a Delhi wala driver-male.

10. Number of item numbers you managed in a year, if you are a female actor, even a lead one.