Interview with a Stock Market Analyst

Mr. Shah, expert on stock markets, is being interviewed by the PYA (Pretty Young Anchor, of which there are many on television)-

PYA: Mr. Shah, what do you recommend today?

Shah: Well, I think half the Gujjus will have dhokla today, so I see an upside in flour making companies specialising in Chana Dal....

PYA: How about Banking, Pharma, IT, and Metals? Should you go long or short, Mr. Shah?

Shah: Well, it’s been a long time since I was so bullish on IT stocks. If the rupee goes to a hundred against the dollar, they’ll double their sales turnover by doing nothing. It’s like a magic trick, or alchemy.. so I am going gaga (no threat to the Lady) over IT now.

Pharma, I am also sure will also do well, as the rupee is giving high BP and heart trouble to all the importers in our country. So they have to do well, there is no option..

Banking, I will say that people don’t want their hard-earned rupees to go waste, so they will buy gold as that is the only tangible asset they can see. Real-estate is more likely to melt down than the yellow metal....as a result, banks will have a tough time, so I would say sell banking stocks.

PYA: Brilliant analysis, Mr. Shah. What advice do you have for the retail investor?

Shah: There was always conventional wisdom that to be a successful investor, you must know your onions. Never so true, never so true as today. You must stock up on onions like there is no tomorrow. Even if you don’t eat them, stock up on them. Buy a deep freezer and stock up on onions. That can ensure your daughter’s marriage, your son’s education, and a hedge for rising petrol prices. Since you can’t stock up on petrol, stocking up on onions is the only way out.

PYA: Thank you soo... much, Mr. Shah.

Viewer (Switching channels to Ekta Kapoor’s serial) : Am I the only one going bananas out here?

TV Jargon- Debatable?

TV and newspaper jargon is a constant source of mirth (Think I have been watching too many TV debates, thanks to Uttarakhand floods and some new juicy scam). I expect management jargon must be having a similar effect on the non-managers.

Any TV debate has a confused and/or aggressive anchor (think anyone of them, not just Arnab), and six participants, each with a 2-inch square window of opportunity-to-speak. The anchor lights a fire, it snowballs into flames, sometimes roaring flames.

Some guy: This is anti-national, anti- individual freedom, anti- aam admi, blah, blah...

Anchor: Absolutely (he never says relatively)

Another guy: This will negate the impact of what our govt. did in so-and-so year, blah, blah, blah..

Anchor: You have hit the nail on the head (whose head?)

Yet Another gal: You were always anti-poor, pro-America, FDI in Retail was a conspiracy, blah, blah,..

Anchor (turning to Guy 4 whom this barb is aimed at): Can you explain your stand on this important issue, vis-a-vis this charge made by YAG (see above)?

And so, at the end of a fire-and brimstone, noisy half hour, all the world's problems solved, vocal cords massaged, everyone goes home. And the viewer is none-the-wiser about whether his vegetables will cost more or less, due to the Monetary policy, Egypt uprising, or the Uttarakhand floods. And he is vaguely wondering who Snowden is, and if he saw him (snow..) on the weather channel.

All the new applicants for banks...what are they banking on?