A Joke

 Just heard this joke on a recorded session by a well-known guru of our time- Osho. 

A lady goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Everyone calls me shameless. Wherever I go, this happens. I am not doing anything untoward, but this happens all the time. Can you help me understand why?"

The psychiatrist replies,

"Madam, Please get off my lap and go sit on that couch first. Then we can discuss it."

Slapgate- a Joke

I was reminded of a joke after reading about the customer manhandling case at the airline. It goes as follows (roughly, from memory)-

A man was hauled up in court for slapping a woman in a bus. The judge asked him to explain his behavior. The man said "She was extremely annoying, your Honour."

"Can you explain how?"the judge asked him.

He replied, "I went up an sat on the upper deck of this double-decker. She came and sat in front. She opened her bag, took out a handkerchief, wiped her face, put the handkerchief back, closed her bag..the conductor came to me, and I bought a ticket.

The conductor went to her and asked her to buy a ticket. So she took out her bag, pulled out her purse, took out some change, closed the purse, put in in her bag, and asked for a ticket. The conductor gave her a ticket. As he was leaving, she again took out her bag, removed her purse, put the ticket in the purse....

"Stop, I can't stand it either" the judge cried.. "she deserved to be slapped."

The Meaning of Life

There is a great joke I heard on American T.V. that for me epitomizes the answer to this question.

 A guy from America was searching for the meaning of life (like all of us). He had heard of many great gurus in different countries, met many, but was unsatisfied. Then, someone mentioned a recluse who lived in the Himalayas, and said he would not disappoint him. Finding him after many months of trying, this American went up to the meditating man in some corner of the mountains. He waited until the guru opened his eyes.

 Explaining his quest, what pains he had to take, and the good things he had heard about the guru, the man asked him the question he had been longing to get an answer for. “What is life?” The guru replied instantly, “It is a fountain with water flowing out of it,” and fell silent.
After waiting for more, the American asked him,“That’s it? Is that why I came across the seven seas to you? This cannot be the answer to my question…blah, blah..”  “You have to give me the real answer.” “Ok”, the guru said. “I will tell you the real answer. Life is a fountain with no water flowing out of it”, and fell silent again, for good. I find this story hilarious, but also insightful. We are so full of ourselves that most of the time, we are blind to the abundance of life forms, and inanimate objects in nature. The universe is so big and unfathomable, that whatever we might achieve, we are dwarfed by it. Essentially, life is what you choose to make of it, or believe it to be.

 I find some writers particularly insightful at explaining the niceties of the inexplicable in a palatable way. J. Krishnamurty, the teacher-philosopher, is one of them. He advocates freedom from all dogma, and not to believe anything unless you have experienced it for yourself. If we look around, we will notice that everyone has an agenda. Also, everyone has limited experience, based on which they generalize. For example, before I visited the U.S., I could not have visualized what a 4-lane highway looks or feels like, because I had not seen or driven on one in India. Essentially, think and experience things for yourself before you start believing in anything, is the learning from this man. 

Another writer I found very good at philosophical yet understandable writing is Richard Bach. From Jonathan Livingstone Seagull, the story of a seagull who is grappling with questions about the meaning of life, to his other books, he has a good take on life, rebirth, reincarnation, religion, and many other issues.
 Among current writers bordering on the philosophical, Robin Sharma and Paulo Coelho are probably the best (also indicated by their sales). With a simple yet effective style, they are able to get beyond the ordinary stories that they tell.
 

I would also rate Osho as another great author. The sheer volume of his writings is amazing. His wide sweep of all possible religions, belief systems and his interpretations are a treat to read/listen to. He was a unique guru in many ways, who dared to confront the hypocritical ideas of all religions and yet explain the good things about each one of them. His persecution at the hands of the U.S. and other governments proves that they were really scared of what he was preaching, maybe because much of it was true. One other trait I liked in him is that he was not scared of the white man. Many of the ex-colonies of white nations seem to carry the slavery in their minds even today. 

I also have a theory of life. I call it my Mega Theory of Life, and it has a simple explanation for all that we do-BOREDOM. We are all trying to get ourselves out of a state of boredom, by doing whatever we do. See if it explains everything or not-the wars, the seeking of pleasure, the quest for money, the religious discourses, and so on.
 

A Joke- The Hairdresser and the Pope

Because a joke a day keeps the blues away..

Pope and the Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Ave. getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. she mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded,

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome"........"so how are you getting there?"

"We are taking the Continental," was the reply. " We got a great rate."

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser, "that's a terrible airline, their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So where are you staying in Rome?"

"We 'll be staying at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste..."

"Don't go any further, I know that place, Everyone thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city. the rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced."
"So whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We are going to the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, You and a few million other people trying to see him, he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours, you're going to need it.

A few months later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful. Not only were we there on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel, it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so the apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well,", muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but
I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally
greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really....what did he say?"

He said....... "Where did you get that shitty hairdo?"

Why We Get Along with Some

Why Do We Get Along With Some People More Than Others?

Dale Carnegie, don’t squirm, please. I don’t actually know, but I have a few good guesses.

We can talk to some people for a long, long time on everything under the sun.

Some people make us comfortable, so we do the above, and open up.

Some are good listeners, important for people who love talking.

Some are book buddies, who share our love of books- and some, sports buddies. I am talking Golf, but it could be a sport of your choice. It was TT and Badminton when I was growing up.

Some share our good taste. Meaning, whatever we think is good (taste).

Some have a nice laugh (not kidding, try it out on someone you know. But first, you have to learn how to tell a joke).

Some people are helpful, and get us out of a jam (and I am not talking of those who let you copy their homework).

Above all, those who are unconditionally supportive of us (like our mothers, but different in some ways). 

Vibes could be due to karma, past life, if you believe in the stuff. Whatever the reason, it's true that we get along with some better than others.

Surprises

A surprise is a surprise is a surprise..or is it?

Some surprises lose their charm because they are on expected lines, like a birthday surprise of any kind. I like non-birthday surprises better. Like-

a flower looking majestic on a plant

a witty joke from a person/ a book

an unexpected smile from someone

someone laughing at my joke a lot more than warranted

a bird pooping after you have cleared "the zone"

meeting somebody out of the blue, and chatting away about "the good old days"

someone who is not 'busy' all the time

a corollary of the above, someone who does not answer his mobile phone calls while eating, in a meeting, in a movie hall, ...the list is long.

an fb message that is unexpected

Modern Lyrics

Old Hindi songs had lyrics such as these-

the guy sings, "How lucky your mascara/kajal/bindiya is- wish I could be as close to you as they are"

or, "I wish I was the anklet/ghungroo on your feet" .

These days, the girl and the guy would both have to sing along these lines-

"I wish I was the app on your phone,
I wish I was the text you read,
I wish I was far away,
So you would send me a 'poke'
If I am not connected on Facebook,
I am considered a joke."

In Hindi, romance would go-

Mujhe apni timeline pe jagah do,
WhatsApp se mila lo,
Instagram se sawaro,
O mere Candycrush ke saathi....

Here and There

First, a joke I read recently.

Why are there no fireworks in the Euro Disney Park in Paris like they have in America?
Because whenever they start the fireworks, the French Army tries to surrender.

Moving on to big-ticket reforms. It beats me why the reforms had to wait until the last few months of the govt. in power. Cricket coaches talk about timing all the time. Can we hire some?

Ranjhana, the film. I found it tedious and pointless after a refreshing first one-third or so. Literally, the director 'lost the plot'. Or else, I am losing it. Both are equally probable. Dhanush has promise, but I am scared for Sonam, lest she become an Abhishek Bachchan.

The rupee is 60, and eligible for senior citizen discounts when it travels abroad. So when can we replace it with something with a spine?

74 B schools closed this year in India. Should have been 700, the way some are going. Clueless in the extreme.

Air Asia to come in by year-end in India. Hope they break the monopoly/cartel/oligopoly of the not-so-low cost carriers.

Food Poisoning-Humour

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. 

Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.   But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and said,                                         
"Wedding Cake?"

Test your French- Joke

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh"

(Sorry about this !!! You may have thought that I didn't have De Gaulle to tell you this one. Well, I figured I really have nothing Toulouse)

Spelling- A Classic Joke

A good one on how spelling can impact lives, not the least your own, if you are a monk.

Spelling

A new monk arrives at the monastery to help the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices that all the monks are copying from copies, not the original manuscript. The new monk goes to the head Abbot to question this, pointing out if someone even made a small error in the first copy, it would never, ever be picked up.

The head monk says: "We've being copying from copies for centuries, but you make a good point my son." He goes into the caves under the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for centuries.

Nobody sees the old Abbot for hours on end. Concerned, the new monk goes down into the caves in search of him and finds him banging his head against the cave wall over and over. The Abbot’s forehead is bloody and he is crying uncontrollably.

The new monk comforts the old Abbot and asks, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the Abbot replies, "The word is celebrate."

A Joke About Perspectives

Someone forwarded this unusual joke to me.

Dirty Laundry


A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder, who taught her this?"

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.

You've Been an MBA for too Long When...

You've Been an MBA for too Long When....

* You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core
competencies are.

* You decide to re-org your family into a
"team-based organization".

* You refer to dating as test marketing.

* You can spell "paradigm."

* You actually know what a "paradigm" is.

* You understand your airline's fare structure.

* You write executive summaries on your love
letters.

* Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.

* You think that it's actually efficient to write a
ten page presentation with six other people you
don't know.

* You celebrate your wedding anniversary by
conducting a performance review.

* You believe you never have any problems in
your life- just "issues" and "improvement
opportunities".

* You end every argument by saying "let's talk
about this off-line".

* You can explain to somebody the difference
between "re-engineering", "down-sizing",
"right-sizing", and "firing people's
asses".

* You actually believe your explanation in the
above point.

* You talk to the waiter about process flow when
dinner arrives late.

* You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.

* You account for your tuition as a capital
expenditure instead of an expense.

* You insist that you do some more market
research before you and your spouse produce
another child.

* At your last family reunion, you wanted to have
an emergency meeting about their brand equity.

* Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean
laundry and paid bills.

* You use the term "value-added" without falling
down laughing.

* You ask the car salesman if the car comes with
a whiteboard and Internet connection.

* You give constructive feedback to your dog.

* You give your boyfriend / girfriend a ‘golden
handshake’ while breaking up.

Lol!