In a World of OTPs and KYCs

 And digital menus.. imagine these..

If you want to enter Heaven, you need to prove your credentials.. first, a KYC to prove your identity.. and then, enter your OTP to confirm you are dead- but how do you do this when you are dead?

KYC to use a public toilet.. so that you can be fined if you forgot to flush..

KYC to enter a classroom and get your attendance marked.. proxies will be eliminated.

Criminals who want to prove that they committed a crime can also do a KYC.. or else they can't take credit for it.

Moms of newborns need to do a KYC that they are what they say they are- mother of the new-born. Or else, that kid won't be given a birth certificate!

None of this proves you are a citizen.. go do an SIR, sir!

I Want to Start a War

 Anything Mickey or Donald can do, I can do better. Just superior IQ.

The benefits are immense, as long as I am not fighting personally.

Publicity- the media is dying for a war to start, so their dull lives interviewing local politicians can brighten up.

The ammunitions producers are happy that their Christmas Sale has started.

The army, navy and air force guys are happy they have something to do.

The public instantly forgets all the economic and social problems.

Epstein Files, anyone?

If AI Could... a Fantasy

 If AI could hire people, train them, and do all the paperwork, we wouldn't need H.R.

If AI could manage creatives, media, and brand strategy, we wouldn't need Brand Managers.

If AI could handle distribution and other operations, we would not need other Sales Managers.

If AI could manufacture for us, we wouldn't need Production managers/workers.

If AI could do accounting and budgets, we wouldn't need Finance Managers

If AI could invest for people or organisations, we wouldn't need investment advisers.

And if AI could play Golf, we wouldn't need CEOs.

Citizenship

 Not sure if I am a citizen anymore. I had a passport, but someone in the Ministry of External Affairs just said it doesn't prove I am a citizen. 

Well, maybe the fact that we are a part of the Universe is enough. It makes us a universal or global citizen. If only Trump, Starmer (or whoever is the next PM there), and other world leaders understood this. 

I do have an Aadhar card, but I am without any support (Aadhar) when it comes to proving my credentials. 

I have kids and they were born here in India. Are they citizens? Not sure anymore, the way things are going.

Anyway, when I know more, I will let you know. Till then, let's imagine a floating citizenship for ourselves.

My Predictions for the Elections in Summer 2026

 It's fashionable to predict what will happen. It also was lucrative at one point. Now, if a party funds you, it may still be.

But I am adding a twist to the prediction game. I am predicting how things may turn out for people like you and me- the Aam Admi, in whichever state the elections are happening. Names ending in 'ni' not included.

1. The more things change, the more they remain the same.

2. Petrol prices will rise. So will a few other essentials, partly to offset doles announced.

3. Liquor prices may rise, for the same reason as above.

4. The first six months will look as if there are bright days ahead.. not using acchhe din, as it's copyrighted.

5. From month 7 to the next election, it will seem like a long wait for change. Refer to 1 above.

Strait Talk About Hormuz

 Not many cooks knew where and what the Strait of Hormuz was, before March 2026. Now, thanks to Trump bhau, we all do.. not sure how it will impact the Assembly elections in Keralam, TN, West Bengal states in India. We shall find out on May 4th

Not sure if Putin closed any straits around the globe anytime. So Trump out-trumped him in this sphere- or crooked (not straight) line on the globe. 

How the world comes out of this imbroglio and when, we don't know yet. But if the objective was to divert attention from unpleasant domestic scandals and poor ratings, this is not to be straitjacketed as an ordinary strategy. It is a masterstroke in international diplomacy, after Venezuelan strike, forgotten in a week, because half the world does not know where Venezuela is, but more importantly, their kitchen fires were not affected. So we still don't know where it is..

Whatsapp Wars

 Even more dangerous than Ukraine-Russia and Iran- US/Israel, these are the wars you see everyday, and feel tempted to participate in- The Whatsapp wars.. on a device near you!

These can rage on forever, until you exit the group, or they throw you out, in case you are the incendiary chap! Totally macho, like real wars- mostly men participate in these too.

The topic is not very relevant, but in India, since 2014 at least, it's about how X has done so much for the nation, in the face of anti-national elements who want to stop him, or the reverse. It takes two hands to clap.

Mostly, the fake news propaganda memes are used as weapons of construction- of the scenario one is pushing. The resilience of the soldiers is more than the Ukrainians and Iranians put together. These wars don't have an expiry date.

Everyone seems to have 'inside' info on various things, more than the Dhurandhar director ever did.

And so, they go on.. a good pastime after retirement, maybe.

Ghalib in New Delhi- Play Review

 Reminded me of Adrak ke Panje by Babban Khan. That was in the 70s. I think Sayeed Alam acted as Ghalib. He was brilliant. Ghalib takes birth again in Modern Delhi, is the basic storyline. He asks God to give him rebirth in either Varanasi or Delhi. God says there is already a tough guy with a beard in Varanasi. So he sends him to Delhi.

It is full of jokes about politics, society, education, corruption, language and everything in between. And includes all that is happening, therefore topical and relatable. 

The best jokes were about Galgotias University, which was in the news recently. Also about Kejriwal, whose contribution was to give khaansi (cough) to the whole of Delhi.. and as a result, the IQ of Delhi went up (a joke about the current CM, who doesn't know the difference between AQI and IQ). 

Also, many jokes about Kangana, Language deterioration, Haryanvis, Gurgaon, Yamuna-paar Dilliwasis, Modi's travels, Chara ghotala of Lalu Yadav, removal of Mughals from history books, and so on.

He says, If Kapil Dev can learn English, anyone can.. 

It's in the form of 5-6 skits, including Ghalib's encounters with a paanwali, a drunk, two taxi/auto drivers, a Punjabi landlady (with jokes about Punjabis included), a police constable who thinks he's a terrorist, and a couple of ad agency executives who try designing a campaign to make him famous- through photoshoots with Mallika Sherawat or Kareena Kapoor.  Very engaging, a laugh a minute. Political and social satire at its best!

Why Academic Types Are Boring

Why are we academic types so boring? And I am not talking of in-class boring or droning on.. just regular boring. 

Many of us don't have hobbies. We rarely socialise. We only travel to go to conferences- if our institution funds them. 

We don't have a favourite author. If we do, we rarely talk about that author. 

If we write, it's a research paper, most of the time. 

We are not big on social media-though that is changing. 

We rarely have an interesting perspective to share on anything other than the routine office politics, or the weather, or our commute.

Is there a cure for being boring? No idea, I am too bored to find out. 

The Greatest Show on Earth- Review of the Play

 A brilliant satire on many subjects- advertising, TV channels, politics, and a lot more.. Vikram Kapadia and team excels at the concept, and execution.

Saw it yesterday in Pune. Enjoyed every moment. Good choreography, acting by all the actors, and sets, sound and lighting. A must-watch, if you get a chance.

Linkedinese

 It's not Chinese, or Japanese. It's just a new way to use English, like Journalese.

An example. A professional Fly-swatter may post - "Grateful for the incredible opportunity to swat flies in an extraordinary Convention of Fly-swatters from around the world... " 

Or, a pole-dancer may post- "From North Pole to South Pole, I have now danced around poles everywhere. Except in Poland. Hopefully that dream will be achieved soon.."

Or, a no-gooder up to no good may advertise himself thus- " Finally, everything that you do results in no good. Come and learn from one who has done it his entire life.. been up to no good since I was a toddler. My parents can provide references."

Or a blogger (resemblance is purely coincidental) - " You, incredible readers of my blog, have saved me from utter helplessness, depression, anxiety and provided me with a will to live. I promise to continue to bore you as long as my pen (metaphorical, of course) has ink in it." 

Amen.

Foreign Jaunts

 We are all familiar with 'jaunty' government officials going to a foreign country at the drop of a hat- even while not wearing hats, but the virus is more widespread.

Celebs and corporates also go on foreign jaunts, for their own reasons. Yeah, you guessed right. The reasons mostly include showing off that they are capable of going where they please.

Companies also use foreign jaunts as rewards - for salespeople, dealers etc. who perform well. 

Lesser mortals may spend their own money and do an all-inclusive 12-day Europe trip once in a lifetime, to be able to claim some brownie points.

Parents who have kids in the U.S., go there regularly as baby-sitters for their grandkids.

Academics like me just go there to attend conferences, and contribute to the state of knowledge!

Comedians as Heads of State

 Seriously (!), it's not such a bad idea. We already have the Ukrainian Prez., the Punjab C.M. and in the past, Trump and Bush (OK, not officially comics, but you know what I mean).. and a bunch of dictators all over the world, who were extremely funny when they weren't executing people randomly. Let's be rational, and list down the benefits of having a funnyman/woman in the top job.

Humour is in short supply, with all the WhatsApp wars going on about your favourite politician, cricketer, or Football player (nod to American football too). 

Most governmental decisions are funny, to the discerning eye. 

The Happiness Quotient of a nation is something to preserve and expand.

Comedians in Hindi films are extinct - with all the special effects, and superheroes, who has the time to think of a comedy track like the guy who says 'Khamba ukhaad ke,' the sidekick to Gunmaster G 9 (Mithun C.) played by Jagdeep?

The bureaucrats run the show anyway, regardless of the party in power (as Yes, Minister proved so well), so might as well have fun with a funny guy/gal up there.

No, I am not contesting.. not funny enough for the job.

Chamchagiri and Its Main Effects

 This is a quintessential Indian term for sycophancy in all its magnificient manifestations. You are a chamcha, or spoon, if you do all that the term demands.

Sycophancy has a lot going in its favour. Who doesn't like flattery/praise? Particularly undeserved praise? That's what you have to be good at giving. Preferably directed towards bosses, but it doesn't hurt to spread it around in all directions. Politics thrives on it, and usually chamchas rise fast in the hierarchy of a party. If the party wins, they can be in important positions in the ministry.

But it's not about political hierarchies. Even in other spheres, this can get you where you want to be. Bosses are vulnerable, so in corporate hierarchies too, this can work well. 

Academicians are not immune, either! Only, you have to sacrifice self-respect. You have a lot to gain!

My Take on Deep Fake

 Let's not get worked up about deep fakes. They have always been around. Some examples-

Sales guys who don't mean what they say.

Customer service guys who don't know the spelling.

Politicians who promise the moon- sorry, that's been done. Promise Mars?

Corporate jargon which does not mean anything.

Special effects in films, from Bahubali to Mission Impossible.

All these and more, have been around for years.. so what if one head goes on another body? That's also been possible and around with simple photoshopping type apps, for years.

Wars and Humour

 You may think, like the East and the West, they (wars and humour) wouldn't meet (sorry, Kipling). But in my book (or blog) they do. Just one example, below-

Conversations between warlords Putin and Zelensky

Zelensky (he was a comedian earlier)- This is not funny. You are stepping on my toes, and disturbing the furniture in my house.

Putin- Go find some dole-outs from your new friends. 

Zelensky- I am joining NATO

Putin- Natu, Natu, I mean, naughty, naughty (under his breath - 'these damn Oscars! They get on my nerves. I prefer Awara hoon')

Zelensky- I will put you out to dry, Putin! 

Putin- That dialogue is czarring- I mean, jarring- to a modern Czar.

Zelensky- You ARE crude, like that oil you keep peddling as a carrot to all the world! And full of gas, like...

Putin- Shut up, or you will face the brand new missiles which I had to test on someone. 

Zelensky- Ha, I will then test all the anti-missile missiles that Germany, France, USA wanted tested..

Meanwhile, Xi smiles slyly, as he Ok's a new virus test in the rebranded lab at Wuhan...

AI ML IOT and All the Rest

 Jargon has a way of perpetuating itself, and going viral. One year ago, many of us wouldn't have heard of ChatGPT, only GST. Now, everyone uses it in conversation as if it's been around for 20 years. It's besides the point whether anyone has actually used it.

Earlier, life was simple. People were only experts in a few things. Now, all of a sudden, you see experts (mostly self-certified), giving us gyan about everything under the Sun, Moon and the Milky Way. They sprout faster than sprouted lentils, and are, like the almighty, everywhere. God may not be happy with the comparison, but...

If you want to become an expert, all you need is a social media account. You can spout eloquent on any topic under the sky (Sun, Moon included), and you will have a few people acknowledging you as the Master (of the subject, or the Universe as the case may be).

Then you just bask in all that attention, and come back with renewed vigour, putting the Yohanis to shade. Dhinchak Pooja did that for a while, too, but the experts remain. They cannot be erased so easily from the ether.

How to Become Hitech

 Aside from living in Hyderabad's Hitech city, if you want to be considered hi tech, just add the suffix tech to whatever you do..

examples-

Martech for marketing

Fintech for finance

Bureautech for bureaucrats 

Politech for politics with a tech back-end (not backside-that is different)

Commentech for commentators

Celebritech for celebrities- if you happen to be one..highly unlikely, if you are reading this.

Sportstech for sportspeople.

Immigrantech for immigrants

Warriortech for warmongers

Mental wreck after reading this? Get some tech in your brain, and you'll be Ok.. 

Indian Traffic Rules

 This is from a citizens' charter, and to be taken with a bit of salt.

1. I am the sole user of this road/the road belongs to me. To hell with everybody else.

 2. I must always act as if the sky will fall, if I don't cut across at least 3 vehicles every minute or two.

3. Kuchh toofani karte hain. (inspired by an ad for a cold drink)

4. India is overpopulated anyway...

5. Wrong side driving is good for my health, and keeps me and others alert.

6. Cops are busy checking documents, so... 

7. I am paying taxes, so I own the road (related to 1)

Anopheles on the Ukraine War

 Anopheles, my winged female friend, was back after a hiatus. So I updated her on the Coronavirus pandemic that I had managed to survive, and a few other things, like the war in Ukraine. And, of course, the school shootings in the U.S.

She was perplexed. 

"I thought you people had more sense," she said.

That was justified, given how it looked. But I tried a defence. 

"Not all of us are like that," was my lame defence.

"What are you going to do about this? Are you trying to stop the war? At least the rich guys in the West?"

I had to confess "Not exactly, they are sending more weapons, huge quantities, to Ukraine." 

"And the gun lobby is not about to give up either, on tighter laws to stop individual proliferation."

"But we have almost stopped the pandemic," I said, looking at the brighter things.

"Tell me, do you also have wars?" I was curious about her world.

"Yes, but only a war of words. Or buzzwords, if you want to be technical about it. Whoever creates a larger buzz, wins," she said.

"And what are some of these buzzwords?" I asked her.

"Energy through Efficient Flapping, Minimum noise, maximum output or Efficiency in Bites, Working around Mosquito Nets and other Obstacles, Co-opetition for Sharing Prey, Information System Updates to Find your Quarry, Investigating the Effect of Burgers and Pizzas on Blood Quality of Humans... there are lots."

"Illuminating, I said," and switched off the light, while bidding her good night!