Wilde Quotes

Wit and Oscar Wilde have a correlation of 1.0, that is, high correlation. Sample some of these-

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

I live in terror of not being misunderstood.

It's perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely true.

I must decline your invitation on account of an engagement I am just about to make.

I always pass on good advice- it's the only thing one can do with it.

Of course I have played outdoor games. I once played Dominoes in an open air cafe in Paris.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Humour of a Kind

 All these are from Anguished English by Richard Lederer. There are many more where these came from-in the book.

Some Student Bloopers

• A myth is a female moth.
• Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
• Then came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle-aged.
• Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
• Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.

Some quotes-

1. Monotheism is a gift from the gods.
2. It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.
3. Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it.
4. I wish the Arabs and the Jews would settle their differences like Christian gentlemen- attributed to Arthur Balfour.

Notice on a doctor's door- Specialist in women and other diseases.

Love in the Air- and in Print

Here is a selection from a book that I am reading in order to appear witty- I mean, The Big Book of Wit and Wisdom. That's my way of escaping from buying chocolates.

W.H. Auden- Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can; all of them make me laugh.

David Frost- Love is staying up all night with a sick child- or a healthy adult.

Robert Frost- Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

Lord Tennyson- 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Just to add some spice, a couple of quotes about marriage.

Rodney Dangerfield- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Agatha Christie- An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

Richard Pryor- I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.

Douglas Adams Quotes

I saw the film based on his book The Hitchhiker's Guide to the galaxy, and was inspired to hunt for his quotes. Here they are, you be the judge. One of the characters in the film, Zaphod Beeblebrox is fashioned after Mr. Richard Branson, I think deliberately. The film is fun to watch too.

He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.

 Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.

It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

Douglas Adams, "Last Chance to See"

The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79.

Douglas Adams, "Mostly Harmless"

He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.

Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.

Douglas Adams, Arthur Dent in "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.

Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Anything that is in the world when you’re born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works. Anything that’s invented between when you’re fifteen and thirty- five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it. Anything invented after you’re thirty-five is against the natural order of things.

Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

Even he, to whom most things that most people would think were pretty smart were pretty dumb, thought it was pretty smart.

Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt, p. 205

More Witty Stuff

The witticisms continue, for want of any original ideas. Must be because of watching Agent Vinod. Anyway, here goes-

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.- Yogi Berra

If you don't drink, smoke, or drive a car, you are a tax evader.- Tom Foley

An inferiority complex would be a blessing if only the right people had it.- Alan Reed

A gentleman never insults someone unintentionally.- Oscar Wilde

Modesty is the hope that other people will discover by themselves how wonderful we really are.- Aldo Cammarota

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.- Henry Thoreau

A true friend always stabs you in the front.- Oscar Wilde

Self-respect is the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.- H.L. Mencken

More Wit

Borrowed, of course. These are some more quotes/jokes that lighten up the atmosphere.

A speaker who does not strike oil in ten minutes should stop boring.- Louis Nizer

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions of today is tomorrow.- Vincent T. Foss

Editors are in the same position as a plumber laying pipe. They are not responsible for what goes through the pipe. David Sarnoff

She a pretty little head; for a head, it's pretty little- Book of Insults

He shot his wife while buying a house, because the contract read: "Execute all three copies along with your wife."- Unknown

A lifeguard told him, "I've just resuscitated your daughter."
He roared, "Then, by God, you'll marry her."- Anonymous

and this, my favourite-

A word of advice- don't give it. - A.J. Vikas

Witty Quotes

When I am feeling witless, half-witted or dimwitted- happens more frequently than I wish- I dip into the storehouse of these timeless quotes. A sample for you all to enjoy!

Develop your eccentricities while you are young. That way, when you are old, people won't think you're going gaga.- David Ogilvy

I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from gruntled.- P.G. Wodehouse

I was humble for a fortnight, but nobody noticed.- Katharine Whitehorn

I have never understood why anybody agreed to go on being rustic after about 1400.- Kingsley Amis

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the pleasure is in having lots to do and not doing it.- Mary Little

I don't answer the telephone because I have this nasty feeling there is going to be somebody on the other end.- Fred Couples

To be continued.........

Mae West Quotes

While researching a quote attributed to Mae West, a Hollywood actress known for provocative and witty stuff, I came across a whole lot of them, all from the same lady. Don't know if she was blonde, but if she was, the traditional theory about blondes will need a major revision.

Here goes-

A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up.
Mae West

A hard man is good to find.
Mae West

A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that's subtraction.
Mae West

A man in the house is worth two in the street.
Mae West

A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.
Mae West

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Mae West

An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.
Mae West

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
Mae West

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.
Mae West

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.
Mae West

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.
Mae West

Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from.
Mae West

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
Mae West

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
Mae West

Personally, I like two types of men - domestic and foreign.
Mae West

Right now I think censorship is necessary; the things they're doing and saying in films right now just shouldn't be allowed. There's no dignity anymore and I think that's very important.
Mae West

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain.
Mae West

Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins.
Mae West


She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
Mae West

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.
Mae West

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
Mae West

The score never interested me, only the game.
Mae West

Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.
Mae West
To err is human, but it feels divine.
Mae West

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
Mae West

Virtue has its own reward, but no sale at the box office.
Mae West

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Mae West

When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.
Mae West

When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
Mae West

When women go wrong, men go right after them.
Mae West

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
Mae West

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
Mae West

I've been in more laps than a napkin.
Mae West

I've been things and seen places.
Mae West

If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.
Mae West

It ain't no sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don't break any.
Mae West

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Mae West

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.
Mae West

It takes two to get one in trouble.
Mae West

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.
Mae West

It's not what I do, but the way I do it. It's not what I say, but the way I say it.
Mae West

Keep a diary, and someday it'll keep you.
Mae West

Look your best - who said love is blind?
Mae West

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
Mae West

Love thy neighbor - and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.
Mae West

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Mae West

Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman a ring.
Mae West

His mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork.
Mae West

I always say, keep a diary and someday it'll keep you.
Mae West

I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.
Mae West

I believe that it's better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked.
Mae West

I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them.
Mae West

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
Mae West

I like a man who's good, but not too good - for the good die young, and I hate a dead one.
Mae West

I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far.
Mae West

Read more: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/mae_west.html#ixzz1lIhXhB7b

Quotes

"Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf." Anonymous/unknown origin.

"Russians are good at aphorisms. They have all winter to think them up." This one is from a book I am reading by Murakami titled A Wild Sheep Chase.

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.”- Oscar Wilde

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked”- Bernard Meltzer

Memory is what tells a man that his wife's birthday was yesterday. ~Mario Rocco