Marketing and Sales 101

 It's actually One on One, but also 101, as it's elementary stuff.

We have been observing it since we were kids. The sethji who sold us the annual wardrobe in raw unstitched form always smiled, and after showing us reams of the stuff, said, Aapko purani rate se deta hai (will give it to you at the old-and lesser- price). We fell for it.

The kirana was from Jeetmal Moolchand, a Marwari businessman in deep Andhra Pradesh. Again, knew his business. Went through a long list made by Mom meticulously, and kept us engaged through the long process of packing.

Single-window processing. I once bought a Subaru in the U.S., second hand from a dealer, with a loan too. Was amazed, I just sat in a chair, signing papers and he took care of everything- loan included- in around 30 minutes using a fax machine and a phone. This was pre-internet! Probably my best experience as a customer till date, except on Jet Airways a couple of times, and Air India once. And Sri Lankan Air once.

One to one is easy, actually, if you know the basics of human interaction- give importance, smile, and say sorry if something goes wrong. Scaling this up is a different thing, when you have thousands of customers- one reason Indigo goes wrong, maybe. And banks and credit card companies.

Cars I Drove Over the Years

Since I am not a zillionaire, these are quite modest and do not include the Ferraris, Mercs and the like, but I just realised that it is an interesting list nevertheless. For example, I started driving at age 18 on a vintage Ford Prefect 1955, which has that old world look, complete with a cranking "handle" to start it like the Chalti Ka Naam Gaadi car, and a floor gear. It also had a footboard on both sides, and we as children used to enjoy standing on it on the drive from the gate to the garage while my father or mother was driving. Great fun! 

The next car was a humdrum "Fiat" which was an official car (parents'), which I did not drive much, as it came with a driver. My next one in the US was a giveaway from Alok, my friend who had finished his PhD and bought a new Toyota Celica in 1986. His old Datsun (from Nissan)- 1976 I think, was what I drove for a year. It was a zippy car, by Indian standards, though it had a leaky cylinder which meant one spark plug constantly needed cleaning, much to the amusement of our American friends.

I then bought a 1979 Ford Granada, and we made our first around-the-US yatra in it, going from Clemson to Los Angeles and back. We later made another longer round trip in a similar Ford Lincoln that we hired. The Ford Granada was a luxury car, and was fantastic for long rides, though a gas guzzler compared to the Datsun. But then, petrol was cheap enough for us graduate students to go gallivanting. So we covered around 25 states of the 50 US states in that tri[.

I celebrated my PhD with another used car, a Subaru with a hatchback, station wagon style. (Pic above- black one), This was a great car for its handling, and carrying capacity. We could stuff almost anything, (though we never tried a small elephant, maybe we could have) at the back and we used it for many short trips, including to the Tennessee mountains in Fall season to see the multi-

coloured leaves. (Above- the Ford Granada)

My first car back in India in 1995 was again a Fiat (Premier Padmini), which I liked a lot for its hand-gears and seating capacity. Six was a comfortable fit. It saw me through Harihar, and my Lucknow days, where I sold it. Next I bought a new car for the first time, the good old Maruti 800. Lasted me 2 years, and I exchanged it for an Esteem (pic above, Silver-coloured) when I moved to Bangalore. I drove a lot of the 800, and I drive a lot less of the Esteem, because I am mortally scared of Bangalore traffic. But I did make a couple of trips to Goa and to Salem, and enjoyed the comfort of the ride.

All in all, an interesting bunch of cars.

My Avatars on Earth- 2

Being earthy, I have had multiple avatars on earth. This is an attempt to capture some of them.

 Above. Second from left, acting in a play "Waiting for Lefty" at IIMB.
Sudhir Goel Robin Thomas and Sivaram are with me in the scene.

 Above- posing on my parents' Ford. Below- Backseat driving at Jaipur.

Preparing for a political career, at least dressing up for one.

Thinking- a Lost Art?

We had a lot of time on our hands in my years of growing up. We probably had a lot of physical activity too, but this post is about the time we spent thinking about things, when we were not playing, studying, or watching movies-in theatres.

One of our think-tanks in engineering college, Osmania University. 1977-82.


I am not sure what we thought about-maybe what we would do as a grownup, whether we even wanted to grow up (I think we did, as the grass appeared greener on that side then). Maybe about doing wonderful things like flying (my first flight was at age 23), travelling to a different country or countries (that happened on my Ph.D. cum sightseeing trip at age 26).

Most likely, thoughts also included finding the love of your life (maybe not, maybe you thought you had already found her/him with every new crush), owning your own car and going on an adventure (it IS an adventure, come to think of it, on our city roads), owning a Badminton court so you could play without interruption ( a friend from college in Hyderabad had this ambition of having a Billiards Table in his basement and playing with Me!).

The world of thoughts is not constrained by reality, and is positive at all times. To this world!

New Ministries

The nomenclature of ministries hasn't changed in years. New Gen needs new ministries..here are some possibilities.

The Ministry of Tall Promises- this will be led by the tallest person that will make sure that every citizen grows into the tallest he/she can. Will supply growth proteins free to all short people.

The Ministry for Eliminating Cars- will exchange any car that you bring in with a helicopter, at no charge. This will also be in charge of reducing population, additional charge..

Bollywood and Cricket Ministry..these two are too important to be left to BCCI and Karan Johar (assuming he still runs Bollywood).

Ministry for Explaining Things. With life becoming complex, this is the NEED OF THE HOUR.

Ministry for Dengue/Chikungunya/Swine (Flu, I mean)...and any other virus that dares to enter our air-space.

Driving on the Wall

Top 10 Things that can drive me up a wall- next time you see me up there, you know why I am..

1. Seepage through the wall- I am yet to see a house in India (or a building) that does not have water seepage. The size of the painting on the wall varies, but it's there. Makes me wonder if the same civil engineers are building our bridges- we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Other pet peeves for now-

2. People who call, and don't message/text after or before when the call is unsuccessful. It is common sense, if not good etiquette.

3. Rudeness of many kinds. Not caring what you may be doing to someone, something- there are too many manifestations of this to list here. Unless your name is Rudy, you have no right...

4. Customer service of most companies in India today. This phrase is actually an oxymoron, and most people in it are morons..sorry guys, you just have to improve.. a lot.

5. Corporate jargon. I try to figure out what it means, and fail each time.

6. Change-the-world posts on social media. I mean, the word "social" should ring a bell...

7. Know-it-alls on any subject, clubbed with no. 3 above..positively obnoxious.

8. Humourless people. This doesn't require explanations, I suppose..or does it?

9. People living beyond their means, to impress someone ..

10. People who judge others by the cars they drive.. I don't know even one nice guy who owns a Merc..am I judgemental, or just mental?

I Was Around When...

I was around when-

We did not have Facebook, Google, Orkut, Yahoo, Hotmail, Windows.

We did not have Mobile Phones.

We had only two models of cars and one major model of scooter in India.

We had to wait in line for Sugar, and Dalda (brand of hydrogenated cooking oil).

LPG was introduced as a cooking fuel, and had no takers.

Indian Airlines was the only domestic airline, unaffordable for most.

Hema Malini, Rajesh Khanna, Amitabh Bachchan, Zeenat Aman, Tina Munim were yet to make their debuts in Hindi films. Aamir Khan and Sreedevi were child stars.

Film Duets were a personal thing between the hero and heroine running around trees, and not with two hundred guys and gals straining their muscles in unimaginable contortions around them.

"Kutte, main tera khoon pee jaoonga" was a violent dialogue.

Kissing on-screen was taboo.

There were three IIMs, known as A, B, C.

Udaipur Musings

It's fashionable to muse these days. And I can't afford not keeping up. So here goes, after the trip into Udaipur.

Why is the whole city white? And Jaipur pink? Was it through an order from the respective kings?

Such lovely art that shows up wherever you go- on the ceilings, walls, and anyplace you can draw. Why is it that we have lost the art of 'the everyday art'? Rembrandt and so on are fine as creators of the masterpieces, but we need more daily doses of it from being creative ourselves.

How did these guys actually fight wars riding horses wearing 20 kilos of armour and holding shields that remind you of that of Chief Vitalstatistix? I find it difficult to go to work if my shoe feels heavier than usual. Brave!

Why do they allow cars in the city? It's such a pity. It messes up the otherwise beautiful place.

Why don't we operate more ropeways in our towns and cities? They might boost tourism in lots of places that have a view to offer.

Lakes add a lovely touch to any place. How many new lakes have we built in urban areas in the last sixty years?

Maybe more thoughts will occur; maybe not.

Repairing Cars and More

Here is a nice sexist joke that I read somewhere. Somehow, the best jokes are either sexist, or with some (or a lot of) innuendo. Not entirely my fault. But anyway, here goes.

A car repair person from the garage calls the husband to inform him that their car is ready for pick-up. The husband tells him, "My wife has gone to the bathroom to "make herself beautiful". As soon as she is out of there, we'll come and get the car."

The guy from the garage says, "Will that be today?"

While on sexist jokes, this one is a quote from Oscar Wilde.

Men's faces are like an autobiography. Women's are like a work of fiction.

Customised Cars

The most obvious first. Audi is for auditors.

Honda is for anybody who uses 'da' in his speech, as in, ennada, or lah, di, dah.

Toyota, is for people who don't know their To from their Ta. Yo-yoing between them, so to speak.

Tata is for those who are absolutely clear that they are bidding goodbye to someone by saying an old fashioned 'Tata' instead of the modern 'bye'.

Mahindra Logan is for the biryani khanewale logaan of Hyderabad (only Hyderabadis can figure this out. hint- 'aan' attached to any singular makes it the plural in Hyderabaadi).

Hyundai is for the guys who are ready to die for the car. Dil-o-jaan lutaane ko jee chahta hai, types.

The Xylo is for those who can figure out what a Xylophone is.

The Scorpio is for those who are NOT once bitten, twice shy. What next, a Snake?

The Nissan Sunny is for anyone whose name starts with Sunny- the options being Gavaskar, Deol, and a certain heroine of a Mahesh Bhatt film.

And the i20 is for all those who can count up to 20!

Differentiating Cars

Cars all look alike. I can't tell the difference between the Swift and not-so-swift, a car with an Accent, and one without, one that plays Polo or one that plays Golf, or the car that provides you with Esteem, or just drives you around the City. I used to think Corolla is a part of a flower (as the movie Chupke Chupke told us through its Botany professor character), until one appeared with four wheels on the road!

Similarly, Tavera sounds like a second cousin of the revolutionary Che Guevara, but is not. Alto sounds like 'facebookese' for altitude, like congo is facebookese for congratulations. Ritz, glitz and glamour is actually right for the fashion world,and not the world of the automobile. A Safari is supposed to be had in a jungle, but takes you through the concrete jungle today.

Infiniti is something that most kids are scared of in their Maths class, and elders, in old age. Micra sounds like a bikini for men, but is also a name of one and an anagram for my car (spelt mi car). Figo is definitely a four letter world in Italian. Or at least, a challenge to someone who remains unilluminated about some unfolding mystery, as in 'go figo'.

Marketing experts will of course, vehemently deny all these attempts at breaking down their defences and will swear by some irrelevant excuses to charge more, like "this car has 22mm of extra luggage space or 45 microns of extra leg space", or "we have a windshield wiper that goes from 0 to 60 metres per hour in 3.7 seconds flat". But don't let that fool you. All of them have 4 wheels and a steering, as a wag said(actually, Ricardo Semler said it), and have had them since 1857, or whenever the car was invented). And in the Mumbai traffic (or in Bangalore, or elsewhere for that matter), you can't go at more than 20 kmph anyways!

Cars I Drove Over the Years

Since I am not a zillionaire, these are quite modest and do not include the Ferraris, Mercs and the like, but I just realised that it is an interesting list nevertheless. For example, I started driving at age 18 on a vintage Ford Prefect 1955, which has that old world look, complete with a cranking "handle" to start it like the Chalti Ka Naam Gaadi car, and a floor gear. It also had a footboard on both sides, and we as children used to enjoy standing on it on the drive from the gate to the garage while my father or mother was driving. Great fun!

The next car was a humdrum "Fiat" which was an official car (parents'), which I did not drive much, as it came with a driver. My next one in the US was a giveaway from Alok, my friend who had finished his PhD and bought a new Totota Celica in 1986. His old Datsun (from Nissan)1976 I think, was what I drove for a year. It was a zippy car, by Indian standards, though it had a leaky cylinder which meant one spark plug constantly needed cleaning, much to the amusement of our American friends.

I then bought a 1979 Ford Granada, and we made our first around-the-US yatra in it, going from Clemson to Los Angeles and back. We later made another longer round trip in a similar Ford Lincoln that we hired. The Ford Granada was a luxury car, and was fantastic for long rides, though a gas guzzler compared to the Datsun. But then, petrol was cheap enough for us graduate students to go gallivanting. So we covered around 25 states of the 50 US states in that tri[.

I celebrated my PhD with another used car, a Subaru with a hatchback, station wagon style. This was a great car for its handling, and carrying capacity. We could stuff almost anything, (though we never tried a small elephant, maybe we could have)at the back and we used it for many short trips, including to the Tennessee mountains in Fall season to see the multicoloured leaves.

My first car back in India in 1995 was again a Fiat (Premier Padmini), which I liked a lot for its hand-gears and seating capacity. Six was a comfortable fit. It saw me through Harihar, and my Lucknow days, where I sold it. Next I bought a new car for the first time, the good old Maruti 800. Lasted me 2 years, and I exchanged it for an Esteem when I moved to Bangalore. I drove a lot of the 800, and I drive a lot less of the Esteem, because I am mortally scared of Bangalore traffic. But I did make a couple of trips to Goa and to Salem, and enjoyed the comfort of the ride.

All in all, an interesting bunch of cars.