Forwards March

 Sounds like a marching order, but it's not. It's about forwards and forwarding things virtually.

I am part of a growing tribe of Forwarders- in my case, of jokes, or memes most of the time. Sometimes, a challenge too- strictly, not a forward, but a chain-like thing you perpetuate, like a species. Like the 10-year challenge, and so on. (there's a pati-patni challenge, but not a PP aur Woh challenge as far as I know)

Well, WhasApp forwards are a totally different ballgame..not sure who are the game designers, but many of these are in bad taste, inaccurate, inflammatory, unresearched, fake or all of the above. Mostly, what tears WA groups apart are the political posts from someone, leading to a war of words, and withdrawal of a few offended folks on either side. The original purpose of the group formation gets forgotten/sidelined.

WhatsApp groups can also quickly run out of steam or fizzle out, unless backed by physical meetings with group members.

If Today Was My Last Day

If today was my last day as a human avatar, I would (depending on when in the day I knew)-

Drink at least three cups of tea and a glass of Single Malt - tough to choose from, but my current stock would help me narrow it down.

Call and say goodbye to about a dozen people.

Watch a favourite film scene from a film or two- Anand and Padosan, or Chupke Chupke probably.

Read my favourite jokes over again.

Look at the photo albums of the years on the planet.

Write a will (unless the World was also ending-then there would be no need).

Play a round of Golf-I should have settled near a Golf Course by then :)😇

Listen to as many favourite songs as I could in the rest of the time..maybe sing a couple.

Marketing-speak

These are borrowed, I forgot from where

Customer loyalty
Inertia

Customer loyalty schemes
Bribes

Customer satisfaction
Not made ill or swindled

Satisfied loyal customers are the lifeblood of our company
Why bother with a thank you gift to customers? They've already given us their money

93% customer satisfaction
Most of the dissatisfied customers have left

We have a well-defined niche presence in the market
We don't have enough customers

Target marketing
Those with a pulse

Direct marketing
Junk mail

Database marketing
Targeted junk mail

Database relationship marketing
Personalised junk mail

e-database marketing
Junk e-mail, without postage costs

Does this comply with the Financial Services Act 1987?
Can we get away with it?

Financial adviser
Someone who invests your money until it's all gone

For the benefit of our customers
For our benefit

Customer service department
Keeping complainants at bay

All our operators are busy with customers at present
The other operator is off sick

Down-sizing
Redundancy

Dumb-sizing
Firing the marketing department

Suggestion box
Shredder

ISO 9000
Mediocrity you can rely upon

Added value
More expensive than supermarket own label in order to pay for the advertising

Premium quality
See above

Jumbo, Large, Medium
Medium, Minute, Microscopic

Sun-kissed avocados
Rapidly-rotting avocados

Traditional
Old fashioned

Old fashioned
Prehistoric

Customers wouldn't understand it
I don't understand it

We are always on the look-out for new ideas
What successful case-histories do you have on this?

Originality is essential in our business
We are always looking out for new ideas in calendars

We don't want to be too elitist
Balloons, T-shirts and fluffy dice will do the trick

You can't make changes until you're elected
Tell the prospective client what they want to hear, even if it's wrong

Mystery shoppers
Pseudo shoppers easily identified by sales staff because of their asinine enquiries

We know our staff perform because we conduct mystery shopping
See above

We're sorry you were disappointed in our product
There's nothing wrong with our product, it's your attitude that's wrong

We seem to have a breakdown in communications
You disagree with me

Why You Remember People

There is a lobe in your brain, located in the upper left corner..no, I am kidding. Let me get down to brass tacks.

I remember people who are nice to me (Dale Carnegie, are you listening?). I remember even more, those who are nasty to me (Dale has no business here).

I remember students who do well in class, by asking good questions, and preferably, answering them too.

I remember those who can tell a good joke, or at least forward me a good joke (I am grateful to all those who provide me with fb fodder :)

I remember those who ARE a joke too. I won't tell you who they are, of course.

I remember those who fake an accent- particularly a Yankee accent. (Been there, done that)

I remember people who are creative, or like chai, pan, (not chai-pani), Single Malts, Golf, books, travel, Hindi films and music, those who read my books, those who generously like my fb posts, pics, comment on them, or have nice DPs..guys/gals who karaoke are Ok too.

 

Demonetised Jokes

Don't demonise demonetisation- it's the wrong spelling.

A Demo was never so effective before.

What's the opposite of demonetise? Democratise (Cash supply).

What happens if you demonetise again and again? You become ir-redeemable.

What did the RBI guv say? I promise to pay you a sum of..conditions apply.

Who sang a song about demo? Remo.

What's it for the black money hoarders? Pay(back)- t(i)m(e)- in short, Paytm.

Three No Trumps

This is what you may bid when you are playing the card game of Bridge. I am into more mundane pursuits right now, like making Trump jokes. Because it's the done thing, and I may not get a chance to do them after November (the elections).

Trumpeting. Trump (without an elephant's trunk) talking about himself.

Ta ra rum pum pum.. reactions of people to Trump claiming to be the right man to lead a democracy of mostly sane citizens.

Trumped up charges- Founders of ISIS are Hillary and Obama.

Trump tax returns- Even Columbus would find it taxing to discover any money there!

Trump Debate- Everyone is an ***hole, but me.

Trump Home- A Wig-wam.

Donald's score - a Duck!

Aircraft Maintenance Jokes

I hope these are jokes, or else I will be scared to fly from here onwards..These are logs of complaints by pilots and responses by maintenance crews.

Complaint- Something loose in the cockpit.
Response- Something tightened in cockpit.

C- Suspected crack in windshield.
R- Suspect you are right.

C- Mouse in cockpit.
R- Cat installed.

C- DME volume unbelievably loud.
R- Volume set to more believable level.

C- IFF inoperative.
R- IFF is always inoperative in Off Mode.

Banning This and That

I just started wondering what I would ban if given the chance to enact laws as a dictator-Hammurabi the second?

Bad handwriting- hands could be cut off as punishment.

Bandh gala- why? The answer is contained in the word itself. ban-the gala. Your neck could be on the line for a violation.

Spitting- you would be shown videos of people doing horrible things (like spitting) for 15 hours continuously as punishment.

Banditry- owe it to the public

Ban-ki-moon, as in ban the moon, ki? Had this been done, Tharoor may have been head of the U.N.

Bandana- this could actually be the symbol of freedom, and against a ban culture. Not allowed. Federer, tu to gaya.

Bannerjees- there are too many, anyways.

Banta jokes-yeh ban to banta hai, hai na?

Holi Matrimony

Some thoughts about Holi and matrimony.

Both are colourful, especially the clothes bought/coloured and the language used in marital fights (the martial arts).

Both are confusing. Which day is Holi, exactly, for instance? And who is to cook in the married household, for instance.

Holi gives you excuses for chhed-chhad. Or used to, before various laws were enacted to take better care of women. Now, one less excuse to be inebriated with ''manly" power, I guess.

Just when you thought all the Holi songs had been written, there comes another. I think Ranbir and Deepika starred in one recently. On marriage, there are only jokes. Bollywood (happy) songs are all pre-marriage. What is the significance of that?

Marriage is supposed to provide security. And it promotes GDP growth. How? Married couples need a house, a car, a fridge, a washing machine, a cooking gas, restaurants, work to pay all the bills,...

So all you need to do to increase GDP growth to Chinese levels and beyond...you guessed it. Promote holy matrimony.

The Van and Other Jokes

Some original ones first.

If you had a Maruti van and you stayed in it, what would it be called?

    Vanvas (in Hindi).

If you were a rich guy who owned a Maruti van, what would you be called?

     Dhanvan. (in Hindi).

....and now some borrowed ones- they are better, obviously. That's why they come later.

The secret of longevity is to keep breathing. - Sophie Tucker

I have just had an operation for piles- all my troubles are behind me. - Ken Brett

There are more men than women in mental hospitals which just goes to show who is driving whom crazy. - Peter Veale

Show me a sane man and I'll cure him for you.- Carl Jung

A Dictionary of Sorts- Part 3

Exchequer- Title conferred upon men after marriage; if he doesn't oblige with the cheques, he becomes an ex.

Espouse- a wife one discovers on the internet.

Electric chair- where convicts come to a shocking conclusion.

Density- what Newton suffered from before gravity cured him.

Derail- to boldly take a train where no track has gone before.

Debar- to forcibly drag a husband away from the pub.

Date- a system of numbering days. Go on a date, and your days are numbered.

Crematorium- a place to satisfy your burning desires.

If you want more, read the book. PV Subramaniam's 'Dictionary of English: The Udder Side'.

Some Thoughts on Appearances

Note: The 'I' is metaphorical.

I wanted to appear thoughtful. So I thought!

I wanted to appear beautiful. So I made up (as in make up).

I wanted to appear wise. So I read up.

I wanted to appear humourous, So I cracked some jokes.

I wanted to appear fair. So I heard both sides.

I wanted to appear spiritual. So I took to spirits in the right spirit.

Hope you are spiritual, and take this in the right spirit.

Jokes by Confucius- Maybe

To celebrate 70,000 views of this blog, here are some Confucius jokes, thanks to a non-confused friend.

What Confucius did not say. But would have if he were alive today.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired... Man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money. War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. However CONFUCIUS DID SAY, "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Matrimonially Humourous

Matrimonial Ads from 'Professionals'-

 BANKER: 

Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service. 

CAR MECHANIC: 

Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. 

Should be above average and must run the household at a good average. 

DOCTOR: 

Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage. 

I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it Anasin, Metasin or Crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. 

Apply or reply. 

DRUNKARD: 

Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. 

I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friends come home only seven times a week. 

Girl preferred will carry me from bar to ghar-bar. 

Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample. 

LAWYER: 

I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. 

The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. 

The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. 

Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence. 

SOFTWARE ENGINEER: 

Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities). 

There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her. Low Bugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. 

She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, should be USER FRIENDLY. 

We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer   

Jokes

Jokes forwarded by a friend.

Ek aadmi RAM Mandir gaya aur rone laga

he RAM  meri biwi kho gayi.

RAMJI bole: Baju wale HANUMAN Mandir me jake bol meri bhi usi ne dhundi thi.  

-----------------------------------------------

Teacher ne Gadhe ke samne 1 Daaru ki aur  1 Pani ki Balti rakhi, 

Gadha Pani pi gaya.

Teacher: Tumne iss se kya Sikha?

Student: Jo Daaru nahi pita Woh Gadha hota hai.

-------------------------------------

Gandhiji ne kaha :-

Izzat karni ho to wife Ki karo...

khayal rakhna ho toh wife ka rakho,

Pyaar karna ho toh wife se karo...

Magar wife kis ki?

Ye bapu ne bataya hi nahin!!!

Naughty Bapu!!!

------------------------------------

Wife drinking BEER asked "Tum kaun ho?" 

Husband- "Pagal ho gayi ho kya? Apne husband ko bhool gayi? " 

Wife: "Nasha har gum bhula deta hai "Bhaisaab"

-----------------------------------------------

Gadha-

Mera malik bahut marta hai!

Kutta-

Toh tu bhag kyoon nahi jata ???

Gadha-

Uski khoobsoorat ladki jab padhai nahi karti, toh woh kehta hai ki "teri shaadi gadhe se kara dunga" ................. bas isi umeed pe tika hoon !!!

PJs and OJs

An old classic Ajit joke.

Ajit:         Raabert, Test Match mein kyaa ho raha hai ?
Raabert:   Boss, Vivian Richards chhakke pe chhakka maar raha hai.
Ajeet:       Saale ko sabak sikhana padega. Lunch break mein usse phone milana.
Raabert:   Yes Boss.
Ajeet:       (on phone, to Richards)   Veeveeyun Reechards, soch lo. Tumhari maa hamare kabze mein                  hai ...

Some OJs (Originals)

Why are toes missing from most photo(e)s?

Is it named face 'book' to remind you of something you should be doing-reading?

If a mad man produces agarbattis, what will the product be called?

Insane sticks.

Administration rarely gets any admiration. Is it because it does not minister to the needs of the administered?

Compendium of IPL Jokes

Once all arrests are done by the Mumbai and the Delhi police, they can
 start a tournament with two new teams - Arthur Road Indians and Tihar
 Daredevils!

 'Pepsi' is not going to be the sponsor of IPL 2014. The new sponsor is
 going to be 'Whisper' because IPL is going through its worst 'period'!

> Such a travesty...
   While the great Dara Singh represented Hanuman, his son Vindoo Dara Singh
   represents Middleman!
 
 Innovative ad outside a gynaecologist:
 We charge much less per delivery compared to Sreesanth!

> Raj Kapoor was real visionary. He made Shree(santh) 420 in 1955!

> Ever wondered the reason why IPL comes on Set Max? Because it is already
   SET!

> A towel can make one's career - Ranbir Kapoor
   A towel can destroy one's career - Sreesanth
   One can make a career without a towel - Sunny Leone

>  IPL 6:
The Tata Sky channel number of Sony Six HD for showing IPL matches is 420.
We should have taken the cue of things to come!

> TATA Docomo's latest advertisement:

> While watching IPL, think of us
    Because leading bookies use our network!

> IPL 6's best catch award goes to:
   Delhi Police - for catching Sreesanth!

Original Jokes

How did corruption start in Karnataka?

It went, "Yeddy, steady, GO!"

How do you spell corruption there?

Karuption.

What does a Kannadiga mind?

Being illegally mined.

How do you describe the result of the recent election?

Yeddy, JD, Go.

How does a Mumbaikar greet Yeddy?

Yeda hai kya tu?

If a Star Wars sequel were made in Karnataka, it would be called....Return of the Yeddy.

Repairing Cars and More

Here is a nice sexist joke that I read somewhere. Somehow, the best jokes are either sexist, or with some (or a lot of) innuendo. Not entirely my fault. But anyway, here goes.

A car repair person from the garage calls the husband to inform him that their car is ready for pick-up. The husband tells him, "My wife has gone to the bathroom to "make herself beautiful". As soon as she is out of there, we'll come and get the car."

The guy from the garage says, "Will that be today?"

While on sexist jokes, this one is a quote from Oscar Wilde.

Men's faces are like an autobiography. Women's are like a work of fiction.

Americanisms and Britishisms

Right now we have an American and a Brit on campus doing various things. So I was reminded of an old joke. A Brit and an American were taking a walk. The Brit looked around him, and as is the habit of his countrymen, wanting to make conversation, said, "Spring in the air."

To which the surprised American replied, "Why should I?"

Not sure what an Indian would have done in a similar situation. He might have brought a small spring coil and thrown it up in the air, maybe?

Anyway, there is funny communication that happens all the time. Another classic that I remember from my experience is the play on the word 'bus' and 'boss' thanks to some friends from Orissa and Kerala, where they mix up these two words with hilarious consequences.

The Bengali propensity to pronounce a 'v' as a 'b' leads to amusing exchanges if one is not used to it. We had a sentence in school that made fun of this Bengali trait. You have to say, "Venkatramana, Venkatramana, why are you walking in the verandah?", with all the Vs and Ws pronounced as Bs.

Gujaratis are hilarious with some words too. They say 'snakes' when they mean snacks, and 'rape' when they want to say 'wrap'.

Anjaiah, an old Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh, was known for his lack of command over English and a few jokes became legendary. As in, he was shown around a hospital, and when they showed him the labour room where mothers in labour were housed, he praised the staff for taking care of their labourers (he used to be a minister for that Labour earlier). Well, let me not belabour the point. I suppose you got it by now. Say 'gotcha' if you did!