Pronouncing Funny

 Funny stories about pronunciation abound in India. One of the funny ones concerns a foreign prof. who was being introduced to the audience in a gathering. His name was Roger something, and the guy introducing him kept pronouncing the g as a hard g instead of a soft g, causing mirth all around-not in Roger, maybe.

The B for V is common in Bengal, and Crazy pronunciation of many words is very common in Mallu-land. But iskool for school is also common in some parts of the North, and s instead of sh (try Social) also, likewise.

Telugus pronounce the d in bridge, and a lot besides. Marathi people tend to prolong the pain while saying pen.. peeen is how they will say it. Gujjus say shake when they mean shack, and snake when they mean snack.

Translating and Its Consequences

 Hilarious things happen when you try and do literal translations.. for example, Putting four Moons is the literal translation of Char chand lagaana ( a Hindi metaphor or idiom).

If you try the reverse, Add a feather to your cap, is literally, Aapki topi mein ek par lagaana. Makes little sense.

A Hot Potato would be a senseless ek garam aloo. Curiosity killed the cat, would literally be, Jigyasa ne billi ki jaan li. 

A Devil's advocate would be Shaitaan ka vakil, and so on..you get the drift? Aapko hawa ka rukh pata chal hi gaya hoga?

TV Serials That Withstand the Test of Time

 For me, Lucy, Little Wonder, The Cosby Show, Family Ties, Different Strokes, Sherlock Holmes, Agatha Christie and lately Nero Wolfe that I saw on Youtube were some of the best in English. Friends and The Big Bang Theory were good too, of the more recent ones. Murder, She Wrote and Remington Steele were also good, among older ones. So was Three's Company.

In Hindi, Yeh Jo Hai Zindagi, Mahabharat, Hum Paanch, Tehkikaat, and Tu Tu Main Main come to mind readily. I missed some because I was in the U.S. when they ran on Indian T.V. Surabhi was a show about Indian culture that was hosted well by Renuka Shahane.

English Translations of Hindi Songs

 Attempting some literal translations.

-Want to tell you, tell you, Today I want to tell you for the first time..

        Kehna hai kehna hai, aaj tumse

-I was going by the road. 

          Main to raste se ja raha tha.

-Mad fellow has come bearing a song of the heart

          Deewana leke aaya hai dil ka taraana

-Look mother, your boy is getting spoilt

           Amma dekh, tera munda bigda jaaye

-From your world, I am going away helpless

           Teri duniya se hoke majboor chala..

-Other than me, how many admirers do you have?

            Hamare siwa, tumhare aur kitne deewane hain?

-When my magic is in the air, nobody can escape.

            Jab chhaye, mera jadu, koi bach na paaye

-Each better than the other, I've got gifts galore

             Ek se badh kar ek, main layi hoon tohfe anek

Like, I mean..

Here's the latest on Americans' vocabulary- English vocabulary, from someone who just returned from a trip there. Sample these half-sentences-they have been cut short to prevent too much mirth,..bad for health.

Like, if you are like looking for like shoes, ...

Like, I'm gonna like absolutely go to like the North-east for my vacation

Can I, like, tell you, like, why I like the Disney characters?

Ok, like it or not, the word like is all-pervasive (not just on facebook), and is a substitute for other words, or just over-used in like, places where it's not needed..

But we can't let the Americans win so easily right? Matlab, it wouldn't be right. So we have matlab, used and matlab, over-used, in parts of our own dharti (land). Matlab, if you can't get this, you are a person from matlab, Mars or something.

The Post- Film Review

This would not be possible in India easily. But the story of a US newspaper taking on the government is a gripping one to watch. Old hands Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep do a great job of acting the parts of the editor and owner of the Washington Post, considered a local paper and an also-ran compared to biggies like NY Times. They end up exposing the misdeeds of several governments, including the the Nixon govt. of their time, on the Vietnam war.

I do remember the crusading coverage of the Emergency in India by the Indian Express in the seventies, but such coverage has been rare since then. The freedom of the press also needs the firm backing of the judiciary, as the film seems to say. Checks and balances are what makes democracy superior to autocracy and other forms of government. The powers that be always have a justification for their actions, but someone is needed to bring in perspective. I am also reading a book on the subject called the Lies of The Land, about lying by various governments, the British and others.

The press is definitely needed to play its rightful role in maintaining the balance. 

Anopheles Learns Hyderabadi

My winged friend Anopheles (the one who stings-others) was visiting, and I asked if she wanted to learn Hyderabadi, my native tongue. She agreed readily. So I taught her a few words, and gave her a test. She had to translate a few sentences from English into Hyderabadi. Here's how it went-

Why is there so much angst in the world?

Kaiku itte pareshaan hain logaan?

Do you think you are a great guy?

Motabbari hai kya? Apne aapku kyatobhi samajhrain?

Why do you want to fight? Let it go.

Kaiku lad lerain? Jaando yaaro!

Money comes and goes, but if you love each other,..

Paisa aainga, jainga, magar logaan ek dusreku pyar kareto..

She passed with flying colours..udte colouraan :)

Khaas Indori Conversation

An Indori guy just walked past, so I thought I would find out what he was up to.

"Where are you going, my friend," I asked.

"To have a poha, come along," he said. We ended up having a kachori alongside the poha..but that's another matter. I wanted to know where he planned to go next.

"Angrezi (English) Classes hain yaar, he said. Aajkal angrezi seekhna bahut zaroori hai."
I agreed wholeheartedly, in English.

I asked him what his ambition in life was. He was pretty clear - "a government job," he said.

"What kind of a job? What do you want to do there?"I wanted to know more.

He looked surprised. "I'll do what others do in a government job."

I started having nightmares. I saw Soorma Bhopali of Sholay fame saying something like "Do rupaye mein license banwaane aaya hai? Kahaan kahaan se chale aate hain..?" to a visitor in a government office, chewing paan while he said it..luckily, I woke up before the nightmare became more graphic. This conversation actually never happened.

Cities

Simpli-city.

Elasti-city.

Electri-city.

Auda-city.

Tena-city.

Univer-sity.

Fero-city.

Toxi-city.

Feli-city.

Velo-city.

Lost in translation?

What would some global characters/people/films translate to, if they were Indianised?

James Bond would be Janu Bande and 007, shunya, shunya saat. M would be Ma, in Hindi.

Star Wars would be Sitaron ki Jung.

Star Trek could be Chalat musafir taron ke sung.

Herbie Goes Bananas would be Haribhai gaye kele lene.

Mackenna's Gold, (in Telugu)- Venkanna Bangaram.

Game of Thrones- Singhasan pe siyasat.

and the reverse.

Anarkali would be Pomogranate-bud.

Chacha Chaudhary would be Uncle Chow.

Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam would be  Baby, I gave you my heart.

Prem Ratan Dhan Payo, would be That guy Prem gets the pie.

How to Confuse an American

It is easy.

Spell 'colour' with a u.

Use 'spring' as a verb.

Pronounce park as we do in India. They would wonder why you are asking them to bark.

Do some quick arithmetic without a calculator.

Speak a language other than American English. Even Queen's English will do.

Add milk to your coffee.

Be knowledgable about world affairs.

Display knowledge of five countries not situated between Canada and Mexico.

Agatha Christie, Mystery Books and Films

Agatha Christie was a part of growing up. I read a lot of her books. My favourite creation of hers is the Belgian with the egg-shaped head, Hercule Poirot. I also watched a few of the English films that were made based on her books. The three films I liked best were Evil Under the Sun, Death on the Nile, and Murder on the Orient Express. Naturally, they are all Hercule Poirot mysteries, with Peter Ustinov and Albert Finney playing him. I also saw a couple of films based on the Miss Marple character, but to me, she was an "inferior" detective.

The Hindi film Gumnaam was also based on And Then There Were None, written by her. It was a really good film in the suspense genre, where winners of a contest are flown to an island resort, and bumped off one by one..excellent plot. Mehmood acted really well, and the song Hum kaale hain to kya hua dilwaale hain that he sang on-screen became a rage. Other popular songs were Jaane chaman, shola badan, filmed on the lead pair of Nanda and Manoj Kumar, and Jaan pehchan ho, jeena aasaan ho, sung at the party where the contest winners are announced at the beginning.

I doubt if anyone wrote as well as her in the world of detective fiction, though I also like Rex Stout and his detective Nero Wolfe (with Archie Goodwin as the sidekick), and Perry Mason, the lawyer who solved mysteries while getting his clients off the hook (literally, as they faced murder charges). A black and white TV series starring Raymond Burr as Perry Mason was my favourite while in the U.S. in the late eighties.

The other singular author in this genre was of course, Arthur Conan Doyle. Sherlock Holmes is incomparable, as is Watson. Elementary, you say? Also filmed well in an old TV series I remember watching on DD.

Puns for Fun

They are self-explanatory...have fun.

A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's
just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the
wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean
your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.


I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

A woman needs a lover just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. 

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Indianising English

We have made English our own; so much that we can barely recognise it. The English would be puzzled at some of the things we do (like we are puzzled by many things they do-mess around in Iraq, for instance).

Like 'prepone' things instead of advance them.

Using "Could able to" where it has no business being used.

I did not knew - did you?

The cost was very less- oh, was it?

Did you discuss about the important news?

And, not to differentiate, "Ï'm Loving It"is also grammatically wrong.  In case you are going to a McD to improve your kid's English, please rethink.

Favourite Phrases of Teachers

We forget the courses, but still remember catch-phrases used by the teachers who taught us, as far back as high school. Why, I don't really know, you know- incidentally, 'you know' is also one.

We had a Hindi teacher in school who always began a discussion of some verses from poems with "Bahut sundar kaha hai kavi ne" (the poet has beautifully described....)

Another English teacher was famous for his unique way of presenting Keats' Ode to a Nightingale with the "littul birdae" and the important passages from Julius Caesar, not to mention the poem Ulysses which exhorted us to 'drink life to the lees'.

The Chemistry teacher in school was very strict and what we mostly remembered was his threats-       "I'll cut your tail, I say" being a constant one.

The Maths teacher was generally recognised by her pronunciation of 'which' as 'huch' ( luckily not hooch), and that was a great distraction when the theorems went over our heads. Incidentally, a mathematical romance of many dimensions called "Flatland" is highly recommended for readers who are into that sort of thing. Amazon has it, I think.

A Marketing prof. in IIMB was famous for a dramatic pause following a serious discussion of something, and then the inevitable question, " Is that the only kaas (cause)?"

Another OM (we called this POM for a very good reason that I shall explain another time) prof. had this habit of mumbling, and rocking the chair he held on to, standing behind it and holding on most of the time.

Memorable stuff all.

On the Loose

The number of times people confuse 'lose' with 'loose' has ceased to be funny. It is an epidemic worse than Ebola. And there seems to be no cure for it. Not in my sight.

But I should not lose sight of the bigger picture. And should also think out of the box. And invent a cure for it.

A tight slap on the wrist, may be?

A loosely-worded wrap on the knuckles?

A harsh notice asking the guy to tie up the loose ends in his vocabulary?

Or to lose himself among the multitudes, never to be seen again?

Would it mean that I will lose some good friends?

Will it be a lose-lose strategy, or a win-lose one?

Finally, is there something slightly loose above my neck?

Let me know, before I lose my way.

Pronouncing the Stuff

Renunciation is different from pronunciation. And it's tough to get both right.

We in India take pride in the fact that we are about speaking English the way we like it, and particularly take pride in our regional English. From a long time ago, jokes about regional accents have proliferated, and before I forget, I want to recount some of them.

Like in school, we would ask a Bengali to say, "Venkatramana, Venkatramana, why are you walking in the verandah," with results that were hilarious to the rest.

Or the famous one about a Gujju who went to the to a toy shop and instructed the attendant to "rape the doll" -all he meant was "wrap" or pack the doll.

The Andhravaadus generally pronounce the 'd' in bridge very hard, and it's hard to make them bu'd'ge from their stance.

Easterners like Odiyas confuse Boss with Bus and Bose (the name), so you never know whether the boss took a bus or missed it. Or if Bose did, if he wasn't the boss.

It's always a player to speak with a Punju, for that's how they like to pronounce 'pleasure'.

And with a Tam, it's usually 'money' above all, only you say it like Mani.

More 'eggzamples' can be found everywhere you look (ghati ending).

Find and Found

Major confusion rules in this world about silly things. Examples-

The difference between finding and founding.

The difference between lose and loose.

The meaning of beside and besides.

The meaning of alternate and alternative.

A woman and a doormat.

A woman and a model for an ad- any ad.

Politics and Economics.

Governance and Anarchy.

Nepotism and Impartiality.

Exams and Evaluation.

Looks and  abilities.

You are welcome to add those you have observed.

Up and About

Some funny stuff from a friend who might have looked it 'up' somewhere-

UP is a very strange word!

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UPa report?

We call UP our friends.

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car..

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and thinkUP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can addUP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,

for now my time is UP,

so........it is time to shut UP!

And now it's UP to you what you do with this knowledge!

English Bites- Book That Does Not

This is a book that tickles. Manish Gupta is the author, and the byline of the book, or its subtitle is-My Fullproof English Learning Formula.

This is the second book about English I have read recently, after Etymologicon, and it does not disappoint. I will give you some free samples from it, and let you decide for yourself, whether it will disappoint you or not.

Darling literally is 'little dear', from the ancient 'dar' for dear, like duckling, or pigling. Remember that, the next time you use the word to address an endearing personality.

Amphibology is any ambiguous usage in English. Examples in the book-

1. Fine for parking. Get the double meaning?

2. Eat our curry- you won't get (any) better!

3. A quote by Groucho Marx- I once shot an elephant in my pajamas-er,  how did the elephant get in them?

4. Our dog eats everything and loves children.

About punctuation, there is a famous Oscar Wilde quote- 'I spent most of the day putting in a comma and the rest of the day taking it out.' A common problem authors face, and editors too, I am sure.

Well, lots of nuggets like this, and footnotes that explain meanings like in a Barron's guide, are lovely features of the book.

Since we are on words and language, I read an interesting term for an unmarried spouse in the papers the other day- POSSLQ, or Person of Other Sex Sharing Living Quarters. How's that for making your day?