Debating- A Dying Art?

 I am not talking of the loud antics on television channels that pass off as debates. The well-prepared speeches for 3-5 minutes by good speakers, that we used to see or take part in. 

Some people speaking For the Motion, and some, against. One such tradition at the Tollygunge Club in Kolkata I was witness to, on Sunday. It was also well-attended, and had a good controversial topic- that the Institution of Marriage has lost its Relevance.

 Lively speakers, sometimes quoting research, and sometimes taking pot-shots at each other. There were lawyers, doctors and professors. A journalist too, and a couple of audience members chipped in. But the real star of the show was Kunal Sarkar, who moderated. Himself a doctor, he added a lot of witty comments and remarks, to keep the House engaged.

A pic or two from Tolly-

A view of the stage, above, and us relaxing before the event started.

Bibhuti Dash, and Anuradha Nargundkar, with a view of the Golf course behind.

Dating Versus Marriage

 No, I haven't turned into a dating guru overnight. But thought I would point out a few differences.

1. You are trying to impress a date, and not really trying to impress a spouse..most of the time. Reason is you think you have achieved your goal-if you got married to that person.

2. Money problems don't exist while you are dating. You scramble, and find the money, or you have enough to spare for the project. Marriage, you never know. Depends on whether one or both of you are spendthrifts, or thrifty. Jokes about each other's spending habits are par for the course, as are a few others.

3. A meeting of bodies is no guarantee of a meeting of minds. Divergence in thinking is not obvious at first glance, and only comes to the fore over the long term- 2 years or more. Considering a marriage can be a 30-40 year affair, that is a long time to consider.

4. Short term versus long term is always going to be different. Children also add to the change of equation, or priorities. Raising them require different skills from keeping each other happy, and it can be stressful, because cuddling a kid for a few minutes is different from raising a full human being over 20 years. 

5. My advice for the married-if anyone wants it- is, take it easy. You are not trying to prove anything. Just go with the flow, and be nice to each other if you can. The rest will take care of itself.

Adventures of a Couple

 I am one half of that couple, and we have been at it for 33 years now. Well, adventurous life has meant travel, living in two continents, six states in India, and of course, raising two kids in this roundabout tour of Bharat. The best part is, it's not over yet, so we don't know how many more adventures are in store-at least till we are immobilised by old age. Till then, we are like a combo of Sindbad the Sailor and Baron Von Munchausen with a bit of our own masti thrown in. Maybe a bit of Don Quixote too, since my wife has visited his hometown-must have rubbed off.

Along the way, we made lots of friends. These number in the thousands, since both of us have taught a few hundred kids at different times and of different age groups. Some are globally spread out, and we will attend a Zoom wedding of one such in a couple of days-they are marrying in Finland.

A pictorial representation of some good moments from this journey.

Ha Long Bay, above. Grand Tetons near Yellowstone, below, with my Dad.

Arizona, and NY, my cousin's house.

Kondajji, Harihar, above and Nagpur, below.

Maheshwar on the Narmada, above, and Khandagiri, Orissa, below.

NY, and Las Vegas.

Negombo, Sri Lanka above, and Jaisalmer, below.

Padukone (town), above and Coral Island, Pattaya, below.. the kid has grown up.

At the start- 1988. My parents and hers.

The cake we had on the occasion...ok, two cakes we had. 

Kids I Used to Know

 One of the benefits of getting old (I am not old-just getting there slowly) is to look at the dramatic changes in how many of the kids you know (including your own, if any) look after a decade or more.

So many kids I can remember, among them my cousins' kids from India and abroad, and some who migrated abroad from India. We don't meet as often, but pics are good enough to figure out.

Another age group is my students in their early twenties who are now young parents in many cases, with their own cute kids. There are hundreds in this category, and I have met a few of their kids too. Some I have only seen on facebook, but it gives you a great feeling to know someone for so long, more than a generation. 

An Indian parent used to have only two wishes in the earlier generation- to see their kids "settled" (meaning married) and then, to see them have kids. I don't insist on any of these, maybe because I feel like a grandpa by proxy to all these kids!

Not to forget, kids make some of the best models, so you can also indulge your passion for this hobby, with your camera.

Anniversary Number 32

Coming up soon on June 26th is our wedding anniversary. This is an attempt at looking back through photographs.

Jab we met and decided to get hitched. Some traditions, at Pune, Patrakaar Nagar.

The families get into a frame. My BIL, and brother/sister are in it. Both parents too.

Many memories created over the years.

Clemson, our first abode after we got married. (below- Work-in-progress)

Thanks to our friend Anne Pouliquen, we had an amazing tour of France-she clicked this. Below, a recent one from Sanchi (around the stupa) and then, not-so-recent from Bhubaneswar (another stupa nearby)

Before I became a pain in the neck (above), and after (below)-

On our way to Udaipur (above) and after getting there (below).

 

Along the way, Prarthana and Pooja came along..proving we were religious!

We laughed with friends globally, from Coimbatore (above) to California (Neena, in pic below, lives there)

..attended weddings (with the bride, Aditi, in Bangalore in 2019 October).

and had parties large and small..with students doing karaoke, to music buddies in a large gathering, or small get-togethers (next 3 pics)..

to chai parties.. (below, with Bhagyalakshmi and Venkatesh)

..and went to exotic places like Cambodia, Angkor Wat complex (above), and Ha Long Bay cruise, Vietnam (below).

Generally, it's been an exciting time, fights included.

Leading Life Online and Other Ponderables

Imagination is supposed to be the difference between man and (other) animals.

Here's letting some of it loose-

What if we could lead our lives online? What do we really need to do offline? Work life can certainly be online 90% of the time. And online marriages can probably succeed as well as offline ones..you just need to figure out how to throw pots and pans at each other online..I am sure our I.T. guys are capable of doing that, given time.

What if instead of freebies, we made everything free? How will the world change? Karl Marx must be shuddering at this leap of faith beyond what even he thought of.

What if we banned jargon? Lawyers (and MBAs) may cease to exist, and all corporates would have to mend their ways. Point 2 above anyway would have shut down marketing departments.

What if all Heads of Government disappeared?  Would the world be a better place? And national boundaries? (I can already see the smile broaden on your face...)

I could go on,..but the real nightmare is if Apple disappeared from our Garden of Eden, isn't it?

Second life becomes First life..any takers?

Shubh Mangal Saavdhaan- Film Review

Good film, and enjoyable for most part.

It stars the wonderful pair of the expressive Ayushmaan Khurana and the lovely Bhumi Pednekar (from Dum Laga Ke Haisha), and takes you through an Online Arranged-cum-Love match, and both are excellent. In my own view, Bhumi is a shade better in this one.

Everything is hunky-dory with the match until he discovers he has a "Gents Problem," in his own words. The world calls it erectile dysfunction, mostly. The angst that both feel, and how the rest of the universe conspires to either help them along or force them to break up forms the rest of the story. It has many ups and downs, and keeps the audience sympathetic most of the time. The rant at the end by Ayushmaan was probably unnecessary, but the rest of it is a cute film touching on a somewhat touchy (or rather, unpsoken) topic. The support cast is decent too, and keep the movie light through their comic dialogue. The 'Alibaba reaching the gufa' dialogue is the funniest in a long time on the subject.

Produced by Anand Rai, who has also produced or directed some of my favourite films in recent times -Happy Bhag Jayegi, Tanu Weds Manu 1 and 2.

Anniversaries and More

We all have anniversaries. I recently had one- of my wedding, many years ago. OK, 28 years to be precise. I was in the U.S. at the time we married (in Pune), two-thirds of my way through a Ph.D. and living with 3 flatmates in Clemson, a university town in South Carolina, on a student budget.

After the Ph.D., we moved to another town, Greenwood, with exactly 15,000 as its population. Two Indian friends, Samren (and wife Annie, below)

and Dr. Soni (and wife Shakun in this pic)

kept us great company, and some American friends  too (like Leslie, and Ron Green, who are in touch). Alok, my senior at Clemson (and Pam, his wife), and the former flatmates (Satish, Anil and Suresh) and their partners Marla, Vinita also occasionally met with us. Some of them are in this pic taken outside our Greenwood apt.

My wife Anuradha (Iyer/Nargundkar) was able to manage the chaos of all these new friends effectively, and we also agreed on coming back to India, proving that it's possible to have unanimity after marriage :).  Of course, we visited Vegas before we came back, and Europe too.

Our stay in India so far has included Bhubaneswar (XIMB), Hyderabad (Vignana Jyoti Inst. of Mgt), Harihar (Kirloskar Inst.), Lucknow (IIM), Kozhikode (IIM), Bangalore (PESIT and IFIM Business School), together. After this, for the sake of our daughters' education, she set up base in Pune and I moved on to IMT Nagpur, Ghaziabad, and on to IIM Indore. It has been an eventful journey of 28 years, and we made new friends in each place- and more importantly, retained them even after we moved from a place. Having a large contingent of relatives also helped us in many ways, including in the US where my cousins Jayashree and Sheelu (and friend Kiran Kenjale) have lived for years. With the support of friends, relatives, well-wishers including former students (between the two of us, we have about a million), it's been a great ride- and continues to be. This pic is of Prarthana, Pooja and their mom in Jaisalmer on a trip last year.

How to Deal with Marriage

Being a conventional guy, I will stick to hetero marriages. So, there is a guy and a gal. They get married. You are one of them. You have to live happily ever after (I think till death do us part is the Western version). So how do you do it?

If you are the girl (wife)-

1. You don't expect any help. If you get it, you praise the giver.
2. You don't criticise his choice-of anything. He chose you, right?
3.  Sports- it's not his fault. He has limited things on which he can sustain a conversation. Why take that away from him? Enjoy if you can, ignore if you can't.
4. Shopping is a lethal word to use. Steal his card if you must, but never suggest going out shopping. Eating out maybe, but NOT shopping. And don't brag about what you bought. It will have no impact.
5. Have a comfortable couch in the house. If you have to have a potato, might as well treat him right.

If you are the Guy (Husband)-

1. Tell her she looks beautiful, approximately every three hours.
2. Never ask why she wants to shop. It's genetic, like your love of beer.
3. If she cooks, eat without complaining. These days, not many can or will.
4. Mumble answers to razor-edged questions involving body fat, comparison with others of her species, or similarly sensitive ones involving choice of clothes. Anything decipherable may be used as evidence against you-till death does you part..
5. Never criticise your in-laws.

May you live happily ever after this..

Great Inventions

These are on my list of my ten great inventions-

1. Chair-improved our lives and elevated us from the floor.
2. Spoon-gave us ways of using jars and stirring things up.
3. Radio-everything else pales before this. An infinite source of information, entertainment and joy. Accessible to the common man. Even Modi uses this to connect with people.
4. Pen and paper- how else would we have distinguished ourselves from animals? Books are an endless source of joy.
5. Aspirin- it cures something (headache) with certainty-with most other medicines, you are not really sure.
6. Homeopathy- again, accssible medicine, and despite what experts tell you, easy to learn and administer yourself. Cures at least a few known uncomfortable conditions.
7. Sarcasm- without it, life would be dry and humourless. By using this, we also make friends-and lose some. Keeps the wheel of life on an even keel.
8. Marriage-after laughter, this gets my vote as the next best thing. The twain cannot meet, usually, unfortunately. 
9. Blogging- you are already being subjected to this, so I shall not speak further on the subject-until my next.
10. Communism- a better fantasy is yet to be invented. 

 Some day, I will also list out the worst inventions.

Alarmists

Let us try and clear the mist- I mean, from the alarmists. They are the ones who keep posting alarmist messages like-

Don't read the newspaper, it'll make your mind weak.
Don't eat pizza, it contains hidden micro-organisms that will cripple you.
Drinking Coke makes you impotent.
Morning walks/jogs can displace your arteries.
Ogling at guys/girls can make you blind.

You get the drift, right? So I decided if I can't beat them, I shall join them. Here I go-

Stay away from Arnab Goswami. He is too serious.
Stay away from Salman's films or you'll lose your shirt!
Stay away from investment bankers. If you don't, you'll lose your pants.
Stay away from parents. They tell you what to do.
Stay away from your teachers. Or you will start believing you are a nitwit.
Don't have kids. They make you cry.
Don't marry. Prevent Chapter 11/bankruptcy.

That's all for now. Back with more if you aren't 100% Satisfied with these.

How To Guides

There should be a How to Guide to help us negotiate important tasks that we need to perform in our life. I have customised this (potential wish) list for India. Anyone interested? You could be a millionaire.

1. How to fill up water to last you a day.
2. How to get a cooking gas connection.
3. How to Get an Address Proof.
4. How to Get a Driving License- with and without knowledge of driving anything, except driving people nuts.
5. How to Find a Suitable Match without using Shaadi.com
6. How to Negotiate your way through the ceremony.
7. How to Get Your Kid Admission into Kindergarten.
8. How to Get Through the maze of 'Type 1, Type 2' instructions and get hold of a Customer Care executive (why do they call them that?) with service of any kind.
9. How to Read a text book without falling asleep.
10. How to Play with a Straight Bat- this is for our test cricketers.

Forecasting in Life

The ability to forecast is interesting. It can also be scary. If you knew what would happen to everyone around you accurately, you may be scared to tell them. If you knew what would happen to you, you might be even more so. Ignorance is bliss, in a way.

But more than clairvoyance, it takes observation and experience to make reasonably good predictions about our actions and their consequences, I think. For example, it requires no genius to figure that if you study well, you will do well on an exam. Or that sooner or later, the electorate will get fed up with the party in power and throw it out (in a democracy). That a husband and wife will quarrel. That a marriage will produce kids (in spite of the above quarrels). That a woman will do the household work (at least for another century in India).

Further, that 90% of the celebrity gurus will one day get caught in a scam or a fraud. Actually, make that celebrities and people in positions of power (political, economic or other kinds). The good ones may never (want to) be celebrities. That people will Copy and Paste if they can get away with it. That handwriting is a vanishing art ( I am reading a book about this, more on that later).

That lawyers, to survive, need someone to fight a case against someone else. Judges, ditto. Dentists would be out of work if everyone maintained discipline in eating and drinking habits. Coke would fold up if Americans (and their ad agency) did not exist. Potato production would drop if Germans did not exist. Or, that Abhishek B. will never learn to act. Nor will Arnab learn to listen.

And finally, that I would stop writing this blog if I was the only one reading it. 

Matrimonially Humourous

Matrimonial Ads from 'Professionals'-

 BANKER: 

Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service. 

CAR MECHANIC: 

Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. 

Should be above average and must run the household at a good average. 

DOCTOR: 

Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage. 

I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it Anasin, Metasin or Crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. 

Apply or reply. 

DRUNKARD: 

Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. 

I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friends come home only seven times a week. 

Girl preferred will carry me from bar to ghar-bar. 

Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample. 

LAWYER: 

I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. 

The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. 

The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. 

Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence. 

SOFTWARE ENGINEER: 

Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities). 

There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her. Low Bugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. 

She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, should be USER FRIENDLY. 

We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer   

The Weight Loss Club by Devapriya Roy

What I liked about the book.

This book contains no advice about eating carrots instead of radish, or eating less sweets, if you are so inclined. It does, however slightly, nudge you towards exercise, and two of the protagonists fall in love with each other in so doing. So it is totally worth it, at least for some.

It has the charm of an Amol Palekar- Basu Chatterji film (think Rajnigandha), or a Hrishikesh Mukherjee classic (Bawarchi?  Khubsoorat? You take your pick). Actually, there was a film called Thoda sa Roomani ho Jaaye, which I was sometimes reminded of, in terms of unhappy people with unresolved lives slowly ‘finding themselves’. If I remember that right, Nana Patekar played a critical role in it.

It could happen anywhere. Substitute Dhokla and Thepla  for the Mishti doi and Sandesh, it could be Gujarat. Or Puran poli and Shrikhand, it could be Maharashtra. Though Calcutta is finely integrated into the story, it is not critical to it.

The characters are very real. I could identify at least a couple of people from my own life who would (did?) behave like each of these characters.  Treeza and John, Ananda, Apu, Monalisa and her competing gang of moms with a ‘killer’ instinct, the God-like tuition master Bor Da, and the college kids Abeer, Mandy, AJ and the rest. The ma-in-law takes are really reminiscent of the Lalita Pawar character in films, but also of real life haranguers-in-chief in many households.

From an educationist’s point of view, the parental obsession about their kids’ careers (usually to their detriment and with no concern for their likes) that comes through forcefully (even if it is unintended), is worrying.  Actually, the marriage obsession too, and the middle class love for NRI grooms-though I shouldn’t be complaining. I was one a good 25 years ago. Until we both decided to go desi.

The story is complex, because of the many characters, but is resolved nicely, and the style of writing is first rate. The idea of a flash mob relevant to some recent happenings is used well in the climax. You will however, be disappointed if you were looking for a crash course on weight reduction, with diets, charts, and asinine advice. That is NOT what it is about.

If you liked Devapriya’s first book (The Vague Woman’s Handbook), I am sure you will like this one even more.

RTI

This is not about the Right to Information but about a book called Return to India, written by Shoba Narayan. I first discovered her when I began reading the Saturday Mint Lounge recently. She writes a column in it, a pretty nice one.

The book is about THE GREAT DILEMMA that every immigrant faces at some point, or at many points- to return to your native country/home country or not. One begins to empathise with Hamlet when faced with the question, as every true-blue immigrant will tell you. Shoba writes a very honest account of her urge to get out of India and its domineering relatives' circle around her in Chennai, her transformation from a psychology student to a sculptor and a journalist (something that could only have happened in the U.S.), and her subsequent 'arranged marriage' to an NRI, love for her parents and theirs for her.

She does not pull any punches about her longing for America in the face of all the 'evils' she faces back here in her growing up years (like ultra-conservative parents). But slowly, unknowingly, she starts missing things Indian as she grows older and has children. Then this desire to return becomes an obsesssion, and she convinces her husband into taking up an assignment that brings them closer- to Singapore, and eventually to India.

The story is well-told, and will be of interest to anyone contemplating a trip abroad, a stay abroad, or a return - an RTI. Or to those with friends facing such a dilemma.

Love in the Air- and in Print

Here is a selection from a book that I am reading in order to appear witty- I mean, The Big Book of Wit and Wisdom. That's my way of escaping from buying chocolates.

W.H. Auden- Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can; all of them make me laugh.

David Frost- Love is staying up all night with a sick child- or a healthy adult.

Robert Frost- Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

Lord Tennyson- 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Just to add some spice, a couple of quotes about marriage.

Rodney Dangerfield- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Agatha Christie- An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

Richard Pryor- I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.

Reading Yashodhara Lal

Another IIMB alum writing a book. This thing is assuming the contours of an epidemic. Thankfully, it does not talk about placements on campus. Those ones got a bit boring. This one is about marriage and its ups (few) and downs (can give one a Down's syndrome, though I have no clue what that is).

Nicely written, 'Just Married, Please Excuse' is a trip through familiar territory through incompatible bride and groom (just what IS compatible in marriage is a mystery that Sherlock or Hercule will be hard put to solve) falling in love and getting married, and assorted foolishness that follows in terms of arguments, catfights and dogfights. Life in a metro elements are there too, in terms of Bangalore blues and Mumbai blues, like living in the neighbourhood of Shah Rukh on Bandstand and the like. Various relatives add to the fun at all points in their life, from before the shaadi to much later.

Entertaining, and comforting, to find that all marriages are alike in some respects. You are not alone in the (married) world.

Congrats, Yashodhara, for letting the writing bug come out in print.

Ishaqzaade- A Review

The tale has elements of a Laila Majnu or Romeo Juliet, the differences being that it is small town India instead of Italy, and there is no balcony scene- just kidding. The story has its dark side, that of inter-religious (or even inter caste) marriages being taboo in most of our country. I suppose the ultra-urban folks are excluded, though I am not so sure they are always progressive enough. My wife had done a survey among Indians abroad (the U.S.) in the late 80s, and found caste mentioned in about 95% of the matrimonial ads then.

Anyway, the dark underbelly of politics and its impact on love between unlikely suitors is explored reasonably well. But in this day and age, that two young people cannot simply elope and get married is a bit hard to digest. Maybe, coming as they do from privileged families, they are not used to working for a living. But still, they seem pretty good at tapori (illegal, a loose translation) activities themselves, including wielding a gun, and it should not have been too tough for them to earn a livelihood elsewhere.

The language is a bit crude, and the violence and chases sustained, so it may not be everyone's cup of tea. Not exactly a mushy romance ending in a tragedy as the movies mentioned earlier. But for others with a bit of thick skin, not too bad. Particularly as Parineeti Chopra is pretty decent in looks and acting. I was not thrilled with Arjun Kapoor, but he is tolerable. The song 'Pareshaan pareshaan' is pretty cool.

Bill of Marital Rights

I sometimes wonder why the words 'marital' and 'martial' are so close to each other. Is it indicative of the way most marriages are conducted? In the interest of peace, I think the time has come to come out with a Bill of Rights for married individuals. The Bill will be completely constitutional, will respect the sovereignty of God in Heaven, and still protect the voice of the oppressed (the married in this case).

Husband's Rights

To be silent: even under accusations, extreme provocation, etc. etc.

To read the newspaper undisturbed.

To watch his favourite sports event, without taunts. His only obligation will be to buy a second TV if there are conflicts of interest with his wife on what to watch.

To go out with friends at times unspecified, with return times undefined.

To forget birthdays, anniversaries.

Wife's Rights

To shop until the bags are bursting at the seams- (no one would notice these, as the husband would be reading the newspaper/watching the TV at such times) or till husband's salary runs out, whichever comes last.

To nag the husband about things he has not done, in this life and the last life.

To phone a friend and have long conversations even while not contesting Kaun Banega Crorepati.

To shed tears copiously once in six months, for reasons known to herself.

I think eternal peace will prevail, once this Bill of Rights becomes Law.