Race 4 - A Script

 There was this horrible Hindi film called Race 3 a couple of years ago. So, being the creative mind that I always was (patting myself on the back is congenital and incurable), I sat down to think about a script for their next- Race 4. If you can't beat them, join them was my watchword. And, I succeeded. So here it is. I am selling it to the highest bidder.

Race-4

There are 4 teams in the race announced by the Intergalactic Vehicles Association based on Asteroid no. 420. The four are- Branson with a virgin (craft), Jeff Bezos with a new girlfriend, Elon Musk with a pet, and Salman Bhai with Katrina Kaif (or Jacqueline, based on who wins THAT race- to speak Hindi properly).

They start from the Sahara desert, because there's no parking available in Nevada anymore. All of them have a crew of two to four, in case they get lost, and have to be steered back to Earth. Whoever finds the headquarters of the Godforsaken Planets Association (GPA) on Pluto wins. 

They all blast off at the scheduled hour, when an Olympics gun borrowed from Tokyo is fired. Katrina (or Jacqueline) looks at Bhai and says, "Yeh kya ho raha hai?" like Dhritarashtra did in Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro when mayhem took place in his court. Bhai explains the rules of the game to her and says, "Don't worry, Bro, hum hi jeetenge." (the dialogue writer from Race 3 was borrowed here). 

The vehicles run by the competitors all have the latest solid fuel technology, and take an intial lead. But they are no match for the Hindi film heroes that take inspiration from writers that gave them so many flights of fancy over the years. So, there is a happy ending (not that kind, the filmy one), and Bhai's craft (with Jacqueline, or Katrina) sails into the GPA HQ and lands gingerly, waving the Tiranga. The crew sings to the losers, who appear after a few minutes- "Tum besahara ho to, kisi ka Sahara bano,." -signifying THE END.

There are a few twists and turns along the way that I cannot reveal, because this script is for sale. Interested? Bids close tomorrow.

Meaningless Cinema

As an antidote to meaningful and mindful everything, I propose meaningless cinema, with mindless stories, characters, situations, songs, and so on. You get the 'picture' I guess..

The conditions-

There must be no plot, story, that is discernible..the audience must be kept in the dark- this dark is different from the lighting in the auditorium that screens the meaningless film.

The characters must behave strangely- like some zombie moving from one scene to another..Deepak Parasher once had the look required..looked as if he was modelling, when he was supposed to be acting.

Songs if any must have lyrics that make no sense, and music that is out of tune, preferably a worse  remix of a bad remix..

Singers must sound like the combo of that Dhinchak lady plus Himesh Reshamiya..or Taher Shah.

You may argue that we are already there, with Race 3 and its ilk, but films in that class would be a very small minority..methinks we ought to do more!

Race 3- Half a Review

There is a race. Till half time, could not figure out between whom and whom..so, there is definitely suspense..about the title.

There is a wannabe director who was once a choreographer- wish he had stuck to his original profession. Film direction koi bachhon ka khel nahin hai!

There are terrible lyrics, dialogue and script. Not sure if anyone was actually paid to write any of these. Does not look like it-to me.

Even the choreography is bad. So I take back statement no. 2 above.

Anil Kapoor tries hard and may be the only good thing in it..relatively speaking.

..as you may have guessed by now, I saw the first half of the film, and yes, am crying about the gem of a second half that I missed out on...but given the wooden acting by everyone, maybe a furniture shop could have been opened instead of making the film.