RCB Wins IPL- Lessons for Us

 Who cares who wins the IPL? It's a commercial enterprise, unlike the matches between cricketing nations- particularly the Test Matches that test (literally) endurance and many other skills.

Well, that's true, but IPL seems to have a cult following - maybe for lack of anything better to do! So let's try and learn something from the phenomenon. 

1. A challenger can't be a winner. It takes time to convert! 17-18 years, to be precise. May be shorter than the waiting period for a Green card,- look on the positive side.

2. A liquor brand will eventually displace Cement.

3. Kings can lose their crown. History is replete with examples. Queens too, but IPL has none- gender bias? Could be. Though there are some behind the scenes. I saw Preity Zinta once in a match at Hyderabad.,,

4. Akshay Kumar could make a film about this.. possible title? Virat ki Jai ho!

Sloganeering

 Elections are back, in a few states. My former state of residence, Karnataka, very soon, and my current state of residence, Madhya Pradesh, a few months later. So I thought I would coin a few slogans for anyone who might use them. I would claim royalty, please remember..

Sev your pals, from Indore and Bhopal. Vote XYZ.

Ee saala IPL cup hamara hai. Vote for ABC

You got free swimming pools earlier. Now we promise you diving boards.. in Bangalore.

The Metro will be built, including the Bannerghatta Road stretch, the new MG road station, the airport connection..we just don't know when..

We will develop M.P. and make it the Export hub, the I.T. hub, the Food Processing Hub, and the eating-out hub.. no spokes will be allowed!

Belgaon will become Belshahar, one of the most developed cities. If you vote ABCD.

Dharwad will compete with Harvard. 

Indian Brands

India, in spite of worshipping Coke, Domino's, and Cannes (yes, we can), has some remarkable brands of its own. MNCs have not been able to displace them for years.

AMUL is one such brand. Seemingly ubiquitous, because its butter is everywhere, and so is its milk. It is also a cooperative, and its history therefore is unique.

Fevicol, another brand that uses humour to advertise itself (like Amul), is a great Indian brand in its category (sticking things together)

Symphony air coolers is the top-of-the-mind national brand, known early on for its distinctive design.

Asian Paints, for its decorative paints, remains the leading brand for decades.

IPL, though not exactly unique, is a sports brand with a huge following, and international cricket players want to be a part of it.

Among the recently launched ones, Carvaan, a music player from Saregama, has made waves.

Worrisome Worries

Ok, I am getting philosophical. But natural, one would say, coz I am a Doctor of Philosophy.

But I am serious. We worry too much, and don't listen to the song "Don't worry, be happy" enough.

We worry about the future, when the present calls out and says, "I am here."

We worry about what we don't have (and possibly, the neighbours do have), forgetting that we do have a lot.

We worry about the world, which seems to have taken care of itself since we were born. And probably will do so after we die..

We worry about the potholes, and the jackasses who drive like crazy.

We worry about things we have no control over, and discuss them to death. Such as, "Who will win the IPL?"

We'd be better off worrying less, and doing (or not doing) more.

Rana Pratap the Great

Someone  has demanded that Rana Pratap be named 'the Great' . I quite agree. But then I thought a little, and decided that we must crown these people/things who/which also achieve greatness in their own way. Like-

Officials in municipal corporations who cannot see traffic, dirt, dry taps, overflowing garbage dumps.

Sportspeople who are unconcerned about sportsmanship.

Bookies who can fix anything that can be fixed.

IPL audience who can watch any number of games with enthusiasm. .
and their global equivalents by any name (game).

Serial killers-sorry, killer serials that occupy a lot of minds.

Dance shows, likewise..for promoting athletics rather than dance.

Home buyers of treadmills..who keep them in pristine condition..unused.

Bloggers who continue to write, regardless of readers ...

Mumbai Meet

A few years ago, when I joined IMT Nagpur, we started holding a series of alumni meets across five cities, culminating with a sixth at the campus. We figured that the best time for these was in May/June, because students of first year were available to coordinate the events while doing their summer internships. Four to five faculty would also attend, to establish a connect with alumni, having taught them. This idea took off like nothing I have seen before. Some senior executives are also special invitees, but there are no formal speeches-only informal socialising. Our placement reps are also there, to get in touch with older alums.

Last night I found myself enjoying the Mumbai meet, this time as an alumnus faculty. There were many faces that were familiar, but I had to ask names from a few because though I see them on facebook, it is tough to put a name to a face immediately. Particularly as I have around 1500 ex-IMTians on my friend list- a staggering (but pleasant) number. Combined with weakening memory cells or RAM.

Still, some names I did recall, including Saksham, Kanika, Geetanjali, Aditya, Pavan, Neha Jha, Sheetal Garg, Aakancha, Mohnish, Shivangi, Chaitra who was an organiser last year; others introduced themselves, and the penny dropped. Like Swati, Abhijeet, Aadi, Meha, Tanvi, and many more. I think we lost a few attendees to 'shadi ke side effects' (Ishita, Anurag, Vaishali, Meghana Joshi).Surprising was a visit from Nikita who dropped in from Delhi, just to be there. There was some singing, lots of jokes and leg-pulling, some serious conversation about various facets of IMT Nagpur and IIM Indore (I told everyone that students of both were equally bright, and I believe that), and the IPL match that was on next door. We also had an interview with Concept PR, IMT's agency of choice, who covered the event with pics and videos.

It is great to see an idea implemented years ago thriving and giving so much joy to so many.

Election Manifesto

Since it is approaching election time, I propose a manifesto that can be adopted by any forward-looking party.

Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha will be shut down. We will save 2000 crores by doing this, and 20,000 crores on the elections as a bonus.

We will have an Indian Idol competition to select one lawmaker (judged by Karan Johar, Kajol and Kumar Sanu), who rules till the next season. One sidekick is also selected from among the losers to assist him. This will restore the dying viewership of this boring program.

All citizens have two choices. They watch IPL matches or Ekta Kapoor serials. These will be played/manufactured/fixed regularly. Production licenses will be auctioned, with the reserve price (minimum bid) being fixed at half of India's GDP. Both together will make up our whole GDP. (Arnab will be gagged, just in case you are wondering.)

There will be no work, only fun- of two kinds, defined above. Everyone will be happy, and all our problems would be solved.

Please vote for our party.

Daft Definitions

Some fun de(finitions)-

Shoe- A piece of leather wrapped around your foot.

Lipstick- Lip-synching wax with weird colours.

Car- A hollow piece of metal with four wheels driven on a moon-like surface on earth.

Aircraft- A hollow piece of metal intent on taking off, except when it is fogged out.

IPL- A system devised by scammers, for scammers with spectators’ money. Spectacular.

TRAI- The regulator that gives everyone a ‘trying’ time.

RBI- An entity that always holds your ‘interest’.

Compendium of IPL Jokes

Once all arrests are done by the Mumbai and the Delhi police, they can
 start a tournament with two new teams - Arthur Road Indians and Tihar
 Daredevils!

 'Pepsi' is not going to be the sponsor of IPL 2014. The new sponsor is
 going to be 'Whisper' because IPL is going through its worst 'period'!

> Such a travesty...
   While the great Dara Singh represented Hanuman, his son Vindoo Dara Singh
   represents Middleman!
 
 Innovative ad outside a gynaecologist:
 We charge much less per delivery compared to Sreesanth!

> Raj Kapoor was real visionary. He made Shree(santh) 420 in 1955!

> Ever wondered the reason why IPL comes on Set Max? Because it is already
   SET!

> A towel can make one's career - Ranbir Kapoor
   A towel can destroy one's career - Sreesanth
   One can make a career without a towel - Sunny Leone

>  IPL 6:
The Tata Sky channel number of Sony Six HD for showing IPL matches is 420.
We should have taken the cue of things to come!

> TATA Docomo's latest advertisement:

> While watching IPL, think of us
    Because leading bookies use our network!

> IPL 6's best catch award goes to:
   Delhi Police - for catching Sreesanth!

Blographics

This is the reported readership of this blog since it began ( I plead guilty to having started it all). I found it very interesting, assuming these are real readers. Earlier, I did have a revelation of sorts that there were statistics probably misreported due to servers being located in various non-English speaking nations that seemingly read my blog.

Anyway, accounting or discounting for trawling that idly sends anonymous comments to me fairly regularly, one may assume that there is some increase in readership of the said blog. I also have to thank some authors whose books I happened to review (not paid ones) for the spike in my blog viewership.

Interesting, and a graph of the sort that most sales companies would like to see. Thanks to the genuine readers. If you are reading this in spite of IPL (at least in India).

National Time-wasting Strategies

There is something we are no.1 in the world at- apart from producing babies, I mean. It has not been documented or certified, or we'd be at the top of the pops (no, not the baby-producing ones, the charts). We are the no. 1 Time-wasters in the world.

Time-wasting strategies, like those of corporates selling umbrellas, are seasonal. In April and May, we have the IPL- a so-called cricketing extravaganza, in which the cricket is hidden in a maze of before the match, after the match and during the match interruptions. Don't ask me how you can interrupt before the match-ask THEM.

In June-July, we crib about rain. Either too much, or too little. Shakespeare was right when he said something about floods leading to fortune. Famine or drought also leads to fortune for some.

August is a month we worry about foodgrain production not being enough. In September, we start planning vacations for the next three months. In the next three months, we actually go on holidays for Dasara/Durga-pooja, Diwali, Christmas, New Year, and a few others in between.

January is spent talking about the New Year party and the Christmas holidays, and how we plan to actually work in the new year. February is usually a mixed month, because there is an anticipation of a budget being presented at the end of the month, and March is spent dissecting the same after it is presented.

Test matches, football matches (even though we rank 189th out of 190 in the world here) and price hikes from onions to petrol, and evil bosses at work to destroy our careers are other hot topics. Celebrity gossip (whether Aishwarya is pregnant a second time, etc.)  takes away whatever remains, and we are left with little time to contribute to our GDP. No wonder we are growing at a snail's pace again.

And then, when we have the time, we crib about not having any.

General Knowledge Gets Tough

In the old days (as in my school or college days), I used to be a quizzer. One had to be thorough with the number of states India had, their Governors, Chief Ministers, locations of all UN Head Offices, and a few sundry country names and capitals, and you were OK for about 80% of the questions. But it can be quite a trauma for today's G.K. quizzers, I can see.

You need to still know all the above (which gets tougher with more states and wannabe states getting added on), and what's more, you need to know all the major goings on in the EPL, the IPL, and everything in between. Who got charged with molesting X, Y, Z, could be the question, and more likely than not, it would be an IPL player. So you have to be in the know, you see. Or, who got into a brawl at Wan-khede? The answer to that would be the Khan without a hit- what a 'misfit' for a brawl! Being used to hits, this was the only way to get a sure thing. Gotta excuse him his minor fracas.

Or, take the latest. You also may get asked- Who Decided to Get Down to Their Birthday Suit to celebrate the victory of Kolkata Knight Riders? Oh, the things you need to keep abreast of. And after all that, if you do win the thing (the quiz, in case you are now distracted by irrelevant things), you may have to be mentally prepared, coz someone may do the Full Monty to celebrate that!

Innovations To Kill Boredom

Here are some neat ideas (95 on a 100 point neatness index) for innovations that can kill boredom in common situations we face.

1. A nodding puppet which nods metronomically, to sit in front of an old relative repeating his/her tales of the past for the nth time, so you can slink away, do your own thing and come back in a while.

2. A smoke-generating toy which can be used to scare people and make a long line disappear in a crowded place - can be used in a bank, amusement park, or in a booking counter for IPL. Just for long enough to give you enough time to get to the front of the line.

3. A joke-telling device- the J-app, which you switch on in the most morose situations- like an airline journey, the most humourless of all. Will tell a joke at the click of a button, but only when electronic devices are allowed to be switched on, by the morose air host. Will make passengers jealous if you laugh too much, though. Use carefully.

4. An animated dancer that performs a dance of your choice on screen while you wait for your page to load on the computer on a slow day in cyberspace. This can also be adapted for your mobile if you have a bad connection.

5. A dialogue programmer where you can program the dialogue you want to hear and play it along with the TV, automatically muting the IPL commentators, or the talkative Arnab Goswami, or the garishly made-up ma-in-laws/daughter-in-laws of the various serials, or the tiresome judges of reality shows on TV. This gives you immense scope to test your creativity, and you may end up writing some masterpieces like 'Kitney Aadmi They'  or ' Phir Bhi Waapas Aaye? Khaali Haath?' from Sholay, one day.

Khushwant Singh on Happiness

Khushwant Singh, one of India's most entertaining writers, has written about almost everything in his long years as a journalist, editor, column writer (with Malice Towards All) etc. His light bulb logo was designed by Mario Miranda, the famous cartoonist. The Illustrated Weekly was very lively in his days as the editor. I respect him because he made a living from writing- a tough thing to do.

His take on happiness (or what I remember of it) is somewhat like this-

Earn enough to help yourself. Mendicants may or may not be happy.

Learn to live in solitude. Not in the Himalayas necessarily, but have significant time for yourself.

Make use of the time you have. Mostly, we spend a lot of time cribbing about (the time and much else) we don't have.

Don't waste time on parties and celebrities (and IPL- which might be fixed anyway).

Reduce the irritants in life-we may have lots of them, like unwanted phone calls, visits from people who have nothing positive to share or teach us, ...ad infinitum.

Following from the above, indulge in things you like to do, so that you get better at them. And naturally enjoy life.

I would add-play a sport, play with children. Listen to music. 

IPL ShyPL

There are plenty of endearing ways that we Indians speak. One of these is the way two words are used together. Like, I don't want to go to any party-sharty. In Hindi, it sounds just right. Mujhe koi party-sharty nahin jaana. So what is it that is happening to the IPL-ShyPL this year?

Koi Paul-Waul aagaya, pata nahin kahan se, aur dhuandhaar century maar ke apne team ko jitaya. Sachin ne phir century maari, aur phir uski team haari. Yeh koi bhoot-woot to nahin hai na uski century mein, jo uski team ko dubaata hai?

Kolkata Knight Riders jeetne laga- ek aur bhoot ke team se nikaale jaane ke baad- jo kaafi dadagiri karne ka aadi thaa. Ab unki haar bhoot-kaal mein jamaa ho gayi hai. Apna Punjabi puttar Pune pahunchke jeetna seekh gaya. Aur Pune Warriors ka home-ground Mumbai kabse hone laga bhai? NAVI hui to kya hua? Mumbai to Mumbai hai, aur Pune Pune.

Jo cheerleaders kapde kam karne mein maahir thee, woh ab nau yard ki saadee bhi pehenne lagi hain. Aur phir bhi dekhne waale mazaa lete rahe. Iska matlab hai ki sirf kapde utaarne se entertainment nahin hoti- aur bahut se tareeke hain logon ko khush karne ke.

Aur finally, zoo-zoos waali ads (vigyaapan) ke aagey baaki sab ads pheeki padne lagi hain. Kuch nai soch-woch dikhaiye, baaki adworld waale,varna extinct ho jaaoge, apne products ke saath.

Character Sketches 2

Continuing with the thoughts in the last posting, here are some more, this time in the form of job profiles.

The IPL Commissioner- A Job Profile

You are expected to 'modi'fy the existing game format, the rules, the timings, in short, everything about cricket. The EQ, or the entertainment quotient, has to be as close to 100% with glitz, glamour, cheerful behavior (particularly of the leaders), whiff on controversies ensuring continuous media limelight. Unexpected winners and losers are a must in as many matches as possible, to keep bookies on their toes. A twitter account is the minimum qualification, as in the case of certain ministries of state.

A Management Guru

You have to spawn a new vocabulary, and a new 'paradigm' which is expected to change the business world forever. A best-seller outlining 10 ways to achieve the largest market share in any business in 1 year, is mandatory. You must wear a three-piece suit even in peak summer, so that your brand value is not eroded, corroded, etc. You must also have a travel itinerary that spans the world, so you can be unavailable for appointment seekers, again enhancing your value through what cine-stars have been practising for ages- being elusive.

A run-of-the mill Guru

These are now perfected recipes. Take 1 ashram on the outskirts of any city with a large population of IT or other rich guys. Mix one measure of robes of any colour. Give gyan in a branded course on anything under the sun, including yoga, pranayam, breathing, or anything Sanskrit-sounding. Throw in a dash of calisthenics on any spiritual TV channel by buying enough airtime, and you are all set. Buy a couple of currency counting machines (or borrow from chief of Medical Council of India) to keep track of the cash. Do some invigorating exercises, after making sure there are no hidden cameras.

Media Scams

In the good old days, there were some scoops- Dharam-Hema, Amitabh-Rekha, and other varieties, splashed across Stardust. Now there are scams- Harshad Mehta (stock-market scam), Lalit Modi-Shashi Tharoor-investors, blah, blah blah (IPL scam), Nirav Modi scam, Fodder scam, Abdul Karim Telgi (stamp paper scam),  Nityananda (the holy smoke scam), Ram-Rahim, Asaram, and a few other Babas in a jam...

What our scam-thirsty public can endure, or even cherish, we don't yet know. The boundaries of common decency and privacy have already been breached, and the paparazzi rule our lives- sometimes, a la episode Diana, causing deaths too.

Scams can get boring too, but then you have the IPL (not the scam, the game), FIFA (not being anywhere on the world map doesn't stop us from watching those who are), the child bride shows, the dance beta dance (or some similar titled one). The nice comedy serials are somehow missing after Kapil went into a depression, and any serials with an intelligent story are even more missing. The GOT is the only GoTo serial, it seems..

IPL 2010

We seem to be seeing a revolution in which the Royalty is getting overthrown (which happens in all revolutions) in IPL. The Rajasthan Royals in the current IPL are a case in point. The Kings (either from Punjab or Chennai) are also having their thrones rocked incessantly. The Chargers, the Challengers, and the Indians seem to be better off, and the Daredevils still in the reckoning, along with Knights (Riders).

There is of course, an overdose of matches, but you can catch one out of two, and still have your daily fix. Beats going out, in the Nagpur sun, at least- much better to let the highly paid cricketers do all the slogging in the heat. Robin Uthappa finally has shown he can be a match winner, and some of last year's heroes are not doing so well. With Pune and Kochi also joining the bandwagon soon, the scene will be even more confusing in future. But this certainly beats the saas bahu, chhoti (underaged) bahu and similar sagas for me. Only laughter shows are some competition.

We will soon enter the admission interview phase for IMT, and that will keep many of us occupied for a few weeks, selecting the best.