Anopheles and AI

 I was meeting Anopheles, my winged friend, after a long time. For some reason, her visits to my house had dwindled. Maybe she had found food closer to her own place. 

Anyway, I said hello, and asked her how she'd been. 

'Well, not bad, I'd say. And you?' she replied.

I said our whole world has been upended by this thing called AI. 

'What's that?' she was curious.

"It's like God," I told her. "It's omnipresent, and omnipotent. "

"What on earth does that mean?" she asked, quizzically, arching her eyebrows (in my imagination).

I said, 'Wherever you go, AI follows. You go to a seminar, it's about AI. The news, ditto. You can't turn a page (or scroll one) without AI hitting you in the face, it seems.'

"But what is it, exactly?" she was more mystified than before.

"That I am not so sure about," I was honest. "But I know it's pervasive. Apparently, we humans are about to replace our natural stupidity with this intelligence, which knows everything and can do anything better than we can."

"Well, it doesn't have a lot of competition, I'm afraid. Look at Donald Trump. Even an average mosquito can beat him. You don't need AI to do that." she said drily.

"Forget Trump. What I am most afraid of is that it'll start writing my blog, and telling me what to reply if you ask me a question. What will happen to my grey cells? Will they go into cold storage?"

"You seem pretty proud of your grey cells. Tell me, what's the solution to hunger, in your world, or mine - the mosquito world, I mean.

"A blood bath, for your world," I joked.

"And yours?" she persisted.

"Importing American corn, under threat from Trump, I suppose. " I replied.

Reflecting on that, she bade goodbye, and promised to come and visit more frequently.

Anopheles and Happiness in 2025

 My friend, Anopheles, the female mosquito with a sting, visited again, and I wished her a Happy New Year. She looked skeptical. 

"Are you sure?" she asked. 

"Sure of what?" I enquired.

"Of being happy, of course."

"Why not? Nirmala just gave us non-Ambanis a bonus on Income tax" I replied.

"Yes, but how many in this country earn that kind of money?" she wanted to know.

I was crestfallen. "Agree," I said. Drivers and maids still make about a lakh and a half a year. Rupees, not dollars. But look at the positives around the world." 

"Are you serious? You mean Trump? Or Putin? Or Xi?"

That last one hit close to home. I hurriedly diverted her. "No, no, I mean things like sustainability issues, slow travel, and climate change -people engaging with it."

"What about pollution, disease, and killer viruses?" I had to admit she had her data in place.

I said, "Yeah, you win some, you lose some." 

Anopheles then bowled a faster one. She said, "Wake up, or you'll lose the planet, and we, our blood supply." And added for effect, "even though it's not too healthy, what with cholesterol and so on in high doses.."

She left me in that state of being apologetic about our Race, as always, and flew off after a goodbye.

Comedians as Heads of State

 Seriously (!), it's not such a bad idea. We already have the Ukrainian Prez., the Punjab C.M. and in the past, Trump and Bush (OK, not officially comics, but you know what I mean).. and a bunch of dictators all over the world, who were extremely funny when they weren't executing people randomly. Let's be rational, and list down the benefits of having a funnyman/woman in the top job.

Humour is in short supply, with all the WhatsApp wars going on about your favourite politician, cricketer, or Football player (nod to American football too). 

Most governmental decisions are funny, to the discerning eye. 

The Happiness Quotient of a nation is something to preserve and expand.

Comedians in Hindi films are extinct - with all the special effects, and superheroes, who has the time to think of a comedy track like the guy who says 'Khamba ukhaad ke,' the sidekick to Gunmaster G 9 (Mithun C.) played by Jagdeep?

The bureaucrats run the show anyway, regardless of the party in power (as Yes, Minister proved so well), so might as well have fun with a funny guy/gal up there.

No, I am not contesting.. not funny enough for the job.

Behaviour and Leadership

 I think if you wanted to study contrasting styles of political leadership, you only have to look at New Zealand and the USA in the last few years. No idea where Jacinda Ardern came from, but for me, she symbolises what leadership is all about. Of course, economic growth is important, but it's not everything. We are human beings, not robots. 

Even robots may not be too happy with the kind of crass behaviour that the last POTUS put up, I am sure. He posed as a successful businessman, but I am not too sure that was also misrepresented like most things about him. Of course, he was legally elected, and had a right to his political and economic views/policies. My point is more about the human angle. Maybe if COVID had not shown him up for what he was, he may have won again. In a way, Biden must thank the virus too for helping his cause.

Hope the Biden-Harris era reminds us more of the gentlemen of the past.

Using Products Innovatively

That is, not according to directions- I am crediting Donald Trump for making my defunct brain function again, for this one! Thanks, bhai. My top 5-

1. Spray detergent in the air as you walk- poof, you get clean air.
2. Wear a suit made of magnets..your attraction levels triple!
3. Use a fly-swotter for all unseen viruses, and carry it wherever you go.
4. Use a garden hose to clean your furniture.
5. Use the big garden scissors to perform surgery (even plastic surgery)- no disinfectant please, that is strictly for injections!

Ruled Out?

There was this curious phrase on the news today. There was a suspicious-looking package that turned out to be a bomb in Germany. The police defused it, but they also said that more such packages in town CANNOT BE RULED OUT. That got me thinking about what else we can't rule out.

Aliens coming to earth day after tomorrow.

RaGa as the P.M.

My learning how to dance.

Kapil Sharma coming out of coming out of a depression induced by too much comedy.

Santa really turning up with a gift for all of us.

North Korea's great leader getting a proper haircut.

Trump making sense.

America banning ownership of guns.

Teenagers giving up social media and reading books.

Startups without a Bansal or Agarwal at the helm, in India.

Padmavati releasing.

All of us losing weight in exactly the (kilo)grammage we want.

My blog going viral.

Anopheles and Trump- 2017

Anopheles was always perceptive about goings-on in the human world, though she was a mosquito, and I enjoyed my conversations with her. We had become friends ever since we had debated the merits of her tribe biting humans, a few years ago (she convinced me it wasn't such a big deal).

She was looking serious this time when she asked, "Who's this Trump character? And what's he known for?"

I am a follower of Gandhiji's maxim to speak the truth, so I replied, "He's known for groping, and running businesses into bankruptcy. And building walls between man and man."

She was aghast. "And he got elected to a high office?"
So I spoke what I thought was the truth again. "Women don't really count. We mostly treat them as an accessory in a man's life. Tell me, how is it in mosquito-land?"

She was thoughtful. "We don't discriminate among males and females. Everyone has equal rights and opportunities. All adults have to earn their own blood. Kids are brought up by both parents participating equally. There are no crimes against female mosquitoes, like you humans seem to have, if your news channels are to be believed." That stunned (Trumped?) me. One, she was even more aware than I had imagined, and two, they were a more advanced civilization than ours- on this count at least.

I muttered something about our race having lost the race, ..or something to that effect, and bid her goodnight- we had a gentle(wo)manly pact that she wouldn't bite, if I talked to her.

What World Leaders Might be Telling Trump

Trump brings out an opinion about him in every one. But if you were a world leader at this time, what would you say to him? Let's guess-

Angela. Why are you going where Angels fear to tread?

Modi. Can you modify that last bunch of orders you signed, please?

Putin. What exactly are your policies? Can we discuss them over a vodka?

May. Your exits from all the pacts are threatening to overshadow Brexit.

Mexican Prez. You are driving me up the wall.

Canadian PM. Trudeau or not Trudeau is not your dilemma, it appears.

France- Can you return the Statue of Liberty, please?

Hillarious Observations on the 2016 Elections

Now that we are close to the end of a tragi-comic sequence of events leading to many Americans wishing that they had more Trudeau (pun intended) with candidate selection, we can brace for the aftermath.

If Trump gets elected, I will start a wall-building company, before Hiranandani or other construction companies get in. The Mexican border is big, and can keep me rich for 4 years.

If Hillary becomes President, I will start an email-destroying company, and get rich. If a mere secretary of state destroyed 35,000, imagine how many a Prez can destroy?

The Pentagon may be re-named The Hexagon, with a multi-faced President deciding that 5 sides are too few.

Ab ki baar, Trump sarkar, ya Hillary ke achche din aa gaye? Tension is increasing. Fox (news) is panting, and the stock markets are watching. Voters, I am sure, are wondering..what to do.



 

Three No Trumps

This is what you may bid when you are playing the card game of Bridge. I am into more mundane pursuits right now, like making Trump jokes. Because it's the done thing, and I may not get a chance to do them after November (the elections).

Trumpeting. Trump (without an elephant's trunk) talking about himself.

Ta ra rum pum pum.. reactions of people to Trump claiming to be the right man to lead a democracy of mostly sane citizens.

Trumped up charges- Founders of ISIS are Hillary and Obama.

Trump tax returns- Even Columbus would find it taxing to discover any money there!

Trump Debate- Everyone is an ***hole, but me.

Trump Home- A Wig-wam.

Donald's score - a Duck!

Trump Presidency- A Look Ahead

Peeping into the future, around 2017, this is what I predict for the US of A and consequently, all of us-

1. The game of Bridge- No Trump bids will no longer be allowed.
2. Immigration- You are either in before November 2016, or out!
3. Muslims- You are out, no matter when you were in.
4. Mexicans- Go fruit-picking in Mexico, no more cherry-picking in the US. 
5. Wig-makers- will get an incentive to make strange-looking wigs. The new normal!
6. Speech-writers will get free access to all speeches ever made worldwide, no charges of plagiarism will be entertained against them. "I have a dream, too.."
7. The Apprentice (hope that's the show he starred in) will be compulsory screening on all TV channels at primetime.
8. Trump Tower will have to be the biggest one in any town he builds one in, and others will be cut to size if they are taller.
9. Taj Mahal will have to be rebuilt to look like like The Taj Mahal Casino built by him.
10. The statue of Liberty will be replaced with the Trump statue-that'll teach the French!

Changing Roles

The roles, they are changing.

Kanhaiyya used to dance with the Gopis. Now, he shows bhai-chara with Laloo.

The farmers used to cultivate land. Now they don't know whom to cultivate, with all the politicians vying for their attention.

The bankers used to be conservative. Now you can't bank on it.

Kejriwal specialised in dharna. Even he now finds it Odd.

Trump built a fortune with his casinos. Now he plans to gamble the future of a country away.

Babas were once spiritual; now they are commercial.

Mallya was the King of Good Times. Now he's targeted by the Times.

Being backward was once infra dig. Now it's aspirational.

There were once Reality Shows. Now it's Virtual Reality.

Some Mundane Fantasies

The subjects of my fantasies are as mundane as clean roads, people with civic sense, governments with vision, and so on. The top few-

1. Accountants who say yes, rather than no. I know that's not possible ever, but that's what fantasies are about, right?
2. Enough check-in counters based on the number of flights - is that too much to ask? Simple maths is all that is needed.
3. A government office that believes its job is to serve people, and not obstruct them (and practices it)-refer to point 1 above.
4. Actors (particularly actresses) who can act- Katrina, are you listening?
5. Directors who can direct, editors who actually do some editing- like the above.
6. Students who take an elective course because they are interested in working at it/on it.
7. Speakers who know how to...SPEAK, and not be the same as the objective of a role model drill- a BORE.
8. Journalists with sense, interviewers who keep shut after asking a question.
9. Facebookers who are not always holier-than-thou.
10. A magician who can make Donald Trump vanish from the face of the earth-Mars needs colonizing!

Now tell me, am I asking for too much?